Last night’s premiere of
“Moment of Truth” marked the beginning of the end for TV as we know
it. The show straps a crew of money-hungry Joe Schmos to a lie detector test
and forces them to answer 21 questions that could ruin their lives. The best part
is their loved ones sit in the studio audience taunting the contestants,
glaring a hole through them or just weeping hysterically.

Sounds awesome, doesn’t
it? So, why does it mean the end of television?

After we get tired of this
show, there will be nothing left for us to be entertained by ? seriously. Television
has evolved rapidly in the last 50 years. From ?I Love Lucy? to ?M*A*S*H,? ?The
Real World,? ?Survivor? and ?American Idol,? television has been inching toward
an entertainment singularity. It?s sort of like a gravitational singularity,
except it?s the quantities used to measure entertainment value that become
infinite rather than a gravitational field. That’s right, Einstein’s theories
also apply to the boob tube.

These shows moved us
closer to what I call the Peak Entertainment Level, or PEL. Of course, some
programming is so bad it goes against the trend. I’d rather watch an episode of
the ?A-Team? than that crappy, canceled abomination ?Joey? on NBC. And don’t
even try to tell me “Gilmore Girls” is any more watchable today than
“Doogie Howser, M.D.” But in general, old TV moves in slow motion
compared to our current batch of multi-tasking-compatible programming.

For example, the ?American
Idol? tryouts are the perfect blend of mocking people stupider than us from ?The
Jerry Springer Show,? the bland musical wares of ?American Bandstand,? and the ability
of ?Scripps Spelling Bee? to make it seem OK to laugh at small children
fighting for college money.

The PEL of ?The Jerry
Springer Show? is an impressive 59.3, while ?American Idol? rates a whopping
84.6. Once a PEL hits 102.4, it has been theorized you will never be truly
entertained by anything ever again. Instead you’ll just remember bits and
pieces of “Moment of Truth” and imagine it in place of whatever
you’re watching.

How can you measure PEL
from your own home? Well, it?s a complicated double-blind scientific formula
with tons of those variable things. But here’s a simple version:

1) Measure the shock
value from 1-20.

You may think this is a
subjective cultural observation, but you’re wrong. After all, was ?2 Girls 1 Cup?
open to different cultural interpretations? Hell, no. That shit was disgusting
in any language, on any continent. Just think of it this way: An eyebrow raise
is a 5, an audible “gross” is 10, covering your eyes is 15 and
giggling like a schoolgirl is an 18. While ?2 Girls, 1 Cup? is 20, “Moment
of Truth” is an 18.5.

2) Determine the visible
pain inflicted on the loser (or antagonist) from 1-40.

This is an easy one.
Maury’s teen skanks and negative pregnancy tests of 10 guys for one woman’s
baby are a 30. Lives are ruined on national TV, but there’s just not a big
enough audience during the day. “Moment of Truth” is a primetime 40.
There’s nothing quite like watching a TiVo slow-motion replay of someone’s soul
being crushed in front of a nation.

3) Measure the host or
star?s “asshole quotient” from 1-10.

Simon Cowell is a real
dick on ?American Idol,? Ryan Seacrest is only a jerk some of the time, Randy
Jackson desperately clings to his imaginary street cred and Paula Abdul is
probably insane, but not in the good angry way. So, ?American Idol? weighs in
at a disappointing 4. “Moment of Truth” host Mark Walberg (not that
one), on the other hand, is nice enough to keep the show moving but sets up the
families nicely for inevitable disappointment with his damning small-talk
questions like “Do you have small town values?” ? yeah.

4) Resolve
“hilarity/drama variability index” from 1-10.

Good television relies
on predictability ? that?s what makes it so damn relaxing, as thinking is
strictly optional. Nonetheless, not being too predictable can still win points.
If almost any variable of funny or dramatic crap can be plugged into the show’s
standard equation, it?s a 10. I can?t even begin to think of all the
embarrassing questions I’d ask a guy strapped to a lie detector if his wife was
there. “Moment of Truth” easily scores 10.

5) Determine “Dude,
that looks awesome” factor from 1-20.

Upon viewing the
commercial for the show in question, you should say some variant of this
phrase. TV concepts must be digestible in 15-second promos.

6) Calculate ?How bad do
you feel watching this?? index from -5 to 5.

Would you feel the need
to explain why it?s on if someone walked into the room? Would you turn off the
TV like you were caught masturbating? This is subjective and can be positive or
negative. After all, no guy wants to get caught watching ?Golden Girls.? But we
all know guilty pleasures are that much more pleasurable.

Yeah, yeah, some people
say TV is about great storylines and ?scripts,? but let?s face it, stories are
expensive (see: the writers? strike), and television survives on cheap,
repetitive, shitty sitcoms (see: ?That ?70s Show”). Even FOX knows they
don?t really need to spend any brainpower promoting this show. A poll on the
FOX website asked, ?How often do you lie?? Sometimes? Never? Always? That?s a
big step back from the previous poll: ?Will u go out w/ House??!?? (check box)
Yes? No? Maybe?

Indeed, this is the
endgame for TV. “Moment of Truth” is literally the most entertaining
thing that could ever be broadcast beside death match spectacles, and those
would be totally immoral. Right, FOX?

The game is structured
so host Mark Walberg (still not that one) asks six levels of questions. Completing
a level is worth a certain amount of money up to $500,000, but if contestants
don’t answer a question once it has been asked, they lose everything. The game
does offer a bit of help, though ? if Walberg asks a question your loved ones
don’t want to hear the answer to, they can switch it out for another question once
per contestant.

Of course, the show isn?t
without its flaws. The sexy robot lady voice that reveals whether the answer
was truthful waits way too damn long to say true or false. Plus, why the hell
did retired NFL quarterback Rodney Peete ask a question?

I just can?t wait until
the take-home game comes out, and you can strap morons to lie detectors from
the comfort of your own home. Then and only then will I know whether my
roommate ?really cares about the starving children in Africa.?

Still, this is a
bittersweet end for TV lovers. Don?t ask me how we?ll entertain ourselves after
this show is over. Maybe we?ll turn to books, maybe porn. Maybe TV will just
broadcast porn. I don?t know ? I?m not a philosopher.

It may have taken an unprecedented
string of unimaginable failures (see: ?Love Boat? and ?Temptation Island?), but
the FOX network has finally created a show that could ruin TV for everyone. In
the words of that space on the Internet they’re also trying to destroy,
“Kudos.”

?

Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a senior
majoring in political science and journalism. He is now taking bets on when FOX
will finally debut the “Dane Cook tells terrible jokes while Jessica Alba
strips in a cage hour.”