We begin the fifth bout of The Badger Herald's Battle of the Networks missing one octogenarian. I'm sure CBS would be here to greet you, fine readers, but the aging network just laid its dusty old bones down for a nap. Its fourth. Today. It seems CBS simply cannot shake its ancient ways, and it doesn't seem to be it's trying either. Once again, CBS hails another installment of "Survivor" as the network's flagship production and not even a weeping ex-WWE star can vitalize the series, now in its 15th season. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe the network is trying, despite still not loping off the obnoxious head of David Caruso, and the rest of his "CSI" hydra. A show like "Kid Nation" does bring a youthful air to CBS — except the network seems to determined to kill the children off by forcing them to compete "Lord of the Flies"-style. So, if you can even keep your eyes open long enough, read on about CBS's new fall television lineup in The Badger Herald's Battle of the Networks: Numero *Yawn* Cinq. — Sarah Probst "Survivor" Thursdays, 7 p.m. Another television season, another wonder of the world for America to put its coasters on. Yes, "Survivor" is back, and this time it's taking on wage slaves and Communism. Just kidding. Although based on the amusingly hybrid job descriptions of this year's crop, I'm sure we'll hear much of the woes of the salaryman and woman, including the requisite bartender/whatever, a gay Mormon flight attendant, a chicken farmer, a lunch lady and, naturally the wimpiest of the bunch, a WWE wrestler. Who will be the first to walk away from their sojourn on Zhelin Lake (which could be just outside Miami for all we know)? I shan't spoil it, but shall make fun of everyone involved. If that irritating "Survivor" theme song teaches us anything, it's that we all chant in vaguely the same way. Similarly banal comments about humanity open the premiere, from everyone's favorite middle-aged robot, Jeff Probst. An unfortunate carryover from when the show had a $10 budget (which, given each season's frequent Doritos appearances, is probably still true), Probst leads a painful ceremony at a Buddhist temple to greet the survivors. The only purpose of this scene, of course, is to have the Christian radio talk show host freak out. But the joke's on the wacky CBS producers, as she probably is one of the most rational in the bunch, which, as usual, ain't saying much. The first two episodes, if never genuinely entertaining or suspenseful, at least hint at a return to distinguishable characters. Highlights include one girl (OK, maybe they're not all distinctive) exclaiming "We've got pot!" upon finding a kettle in her camp; a conversation whose entirety before sneaky editing consists of "You're an interesting guy; what do you do? … Bury people;" and the one actually funny comment by the newly stranded on yet another island in hurricane season: "The heavens have unzipped on us." The actual competition is as boring as usual, although there's an amusingly censored mud wrestling brawl in the second episode, accidentally foreshadowed by passive aggressive dirt-slinging by the resident Type-A(sshole), Dave. Was it a faux pas or a devious machination? Find out in twelve monologues mostly filled with audible pauses next week! Kidding again. The only way a conflict could make "Survivor" relevant again is if China decided to start testing nuclear weapons on Craphole Island and its misfits. — Tim Williams “Kid Nation” Wednesdays, 7 p.m. CBS's "Kid Nation" may be the most painful, torturous reality show to date — and that includes "The Littlest Groom" and "Who's Your Daddy?" The show drags 40 kids ranging from 8 to 15 years old to a social experiment producers have dubbed "Bonanza City," where they leave the "pioneers" to fend for themselves despite freezing temperatures and little food. This may just be the worst day care service ever conceived. Now, at first glance, the premise is a Karl Marx wonderland. They're basically kids running a commune. Sure, they may have no idea how to cook, clean or survive in the midst of the wilderness, but it's a pretty serene, egalitarian town, right? Well, not if capitalism has anything to say about it. Host Jonathan Karsh informs the mini-proletariat that there must be a division of labor. From there, the children are divided into four "classes": The upper class that earns $1 an hour for doing absolutely nothing, the merchants who take everyone else's wages at a rate of 50 cents an hour, the cooks who earn 25 cents and the laborers who do everything else for a measly 10 cent rate. And how do they decide who goes where? Survival of the fittest. They pit "reds" against "greens" and "blues" against "yellows" in absurd challenges, such as a plumbing obstacle course with PVC pipe. However, because the last team — the downtrodden laborers — fail to complete the challenge, the town doesn't get any more water pumps. Oh well, who needs water to survive anyway? Sure, you could say this social experiment tells us a lot about ourselves, but it's basically just the bastard child of "Survivor" and "Kids Say the Darndest Things!" The largest moral dilemma comes when the show's producers, by way of a poorly Photoshopped "town record," encourage the children to kill chickens for food. After the town council — appointed, not elected — decides in favor of butchering the chicken, 9-year-old Emilie stages a protest in the chicken coop. Eventually, she backs down. She may think "the animals are our friends," but she later expresses her love by eating them. Reality television is all about exploitation, but this may be the worst agreed-upon abuse of children since Christian crusaders sent their kids to retake the holy land. While these kids may have succeeded where those kids didn't — namely, surviving — the trauma visited upon them, their family and the viewers may blight the historical record for years to come. — Jason Smathers “Cane” Tuesdays, 9 p.m. Take one part gangster drama, one part hokey soap opera, bake it in a spicy Cuban fire and you have the recipe for CBS's new primetime headliner, "Cane." Set in the cultured Latin community of Miami, "Cane" takes CBS in a new direction, away from the formulaic family comedies and forensic crime dramas it has followed so loyally in the past. The premiere kicks off by packing punches of information for its viewers, wasting no time creating multiple dramatic plots to interweave throughout the season. The drama starts when Pancho Duque, entrepreneur and sole proprietor of Duque Rum and Sugar chooses his son-in-law, Alex (Jimmy Smits) over his own son, Frank (Nestor Carbonell), as the successor to his powerful company. This instantaneously generates rivalry inside the Duque family, which undoubtedly instigates backstabbing plots and deceptive motives behind the grin-toothed smiles of this "happy" family. Alex is also receiving threats outside of his family ties from a nearby covetous family looking to take down the Duque business. Alex's multiple rivalries taken on by his acceptance of the CEO position of the Duque company creates overlapping storylines. Although these storylines contribute to multiple means of entertainment, they can become hard to follow, as the show pushes too much in too little time. In the first episode alone, viewers are hit with more shocking events than are often found in a cliff-hanging finale. Along with news of his promotion, Alex finds out his wife is pregnant, his eldest son is off to war and sends his henchmen to kill off a family enemy. By the second episode, Alex must deal with the repercussions of these events, and the plots begin to germinate until there are too many roots to grasp. The show's sexy ensemble and modern view does give this primetime melodrama an eye-catching edge over competing premiers. Although it can become overwhelming, "Cane" meets its basic requirement of simply being pleasurable to those who watch it. — Lauren Toler “60 Minutes” Sundays, 6 p.m. The timeless stopwatch ticking has returned for another season on CBS as "60 Minutes" kicked off its 40th season in September. With Mike Wallace all but gone from the program, the late and great Ed Bradley passing away last year and legendary Morley Safer hanging on for dear life, the show has taken a shift from one generation of correspondents to another. Last year, Katie Couric and Anderson Cooper joined the program, with Scott Pelley officially taking on a full-time role. Pelley hit the ground running this year with a fascinating interview with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In classic "60 Minutes" fashion, Pelley asked tough questions and responded to Ahmadinejad’s side comments by calling himself a “simple average American reporter.” Pelley is emerging as the new star of the broadcast after being passed up in 2005 to take over for Dan Rather on the "CBS Evening News." Good move hiring Couric instead, executive. Speaking of, if Couric plans on crafting features this fall, like her interview with John and Elizabeth Edwards — filled with strange questions and awkward responses — let’s all hope she has a change of heart and keeps her dismal efforts contained to "Evening News." Last week, veteran Steve Kroft talked to Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas. Kroft, not known for being one of the toughest correspondents, unfortunately did little to challenge Thomas on his past or anything in his new book. Despite the newest cast in about 20 years debuting in 2007, "60 Minutes" remains the best and most dignified newsmagazine on television. Nothing much has changed this year, and thank God they haven’t started catching predators. After catching the first two episodes this year, I’ll keep watching when I can, always hoping for another classic piece from Morley Safer. — Tom Schalmo