What could we expect from a network that proudly advertises "Girlfriends" as a flagship program?
Well, next to nothing, if the first installment of our Battle of the Networks serves as any indication of just how sad CW's new fall lineup truly is. Save for the potential exception of the witty, "Office"-flavored comedy "Aliens in America," nothing in the CW's new programming offers anything of real substance — unless you're into schmaltzy South African teen dramas, that is.
Yet, as good as "Aliens in America" may be, one show alone is still no match for the programming on Fox, the subject of today's spotlight. Shows like "House" and "Prison Break" have been breakout hits in the last several years, while "The Simpsons" and "Family Guy" are longstanding fan favorites, if on the decline in the last few seasons. And let's not mention the new crop of "me-too" reality shows.
But even the Kelsey Grammar-Patricia Heaton comeback "Back to You" looks to possess at least an inkling of substance. Of course, this is Fox, so who knows how long any of these last before Rupert Murdoch's throws a dart and pulls the plug.
So who's up, and who's down? Turn to page 8 to see the Herald's running scorecard of our first two networks.
“House”
Tuesday, 8 p.m.
It would be safe to say the third season of Fox's megahit medical drama was a misstep. Into a raging river (i.e. the one that inexplicably only appears in the opening credits). Boring, redundant and absurd story arcs, including an impossibly drawn out rehab-and-vigilante-Valium-snatching cop debacle. The low point, however, had to have been another House-Cameron "will they, won't they" retread, with the entirely out of left-field twist of Cameron and Chase getting it on "Grey's Anatomy"-style in closets, sleep study rooms and more than likely CAT scan beds (although the writers did show rare restraint in sparing us that sight). Luckily, the snoozer of a season finale at least did us the service of killing, or least annoying, off the Cottages and their wearing neuroses.
The premiere opens in classic "House" dramatic irony, with a couple bantering over their girl's secret loathing "Star Wars." Yawn. Oh wait, the cubicle hula doll and the walls are shaking.
"I think I'm, like, hallucinating," the woman tells us in a metajoke about "House" plot devices. Yawn. Oh wait, the building really is collapsing. Now we're talking! Although strangely Shore let a B-list director play out this episode, which features a plethora of weird shaky close-ups. "House" needs cool, rational distance, which the script at least returns to satisfactorily.
Better than "House" playing with its clichés is the return of the title character, the cheerfully evil mastermind (and affronted musician, in a hilarious "kidnapped guitar" subplot), and creative patient plot twists, as well as even more rapid-fire dialogue between House and his would-be ego-enabler hospital director Cuddy.
And although a new set of ducklings are sadly nowhere to be found in the first episode, the fourth season of "House" looks to return to its delightfully formulaic strengths, with the next episode centering around an "American Idol" pastiche between House's fellows applicants, complete with frenzied car-washing.
— Tim Williams
“Family Guy”
Sunday, 7 p.m.
It has always been a puzzle to me why, after five complete seasons, Seth MacFarlane is still allowed to churn out "new" "Family Guy" episodes. Each week there is less and less pretense of a plot, and the jokes are completely independent of anything else the characters are doing.
The premiere of Season 6 begins with — surprise! — an absolute non-sequitur with Phil Mickelson approaching a putt while the announcers comment on how attractive his wife is. Why is this tangent inserted here? It is not funny, it does not advance any kind of plot, so what could the point be?
Because the writers can. "Family Guy" has slowly moved into absurdity to the point where it can say anything, about anything, without any humor involved, and its fan base will eat it up.
The entire half-hour show is a near exact copy of "Star Wars: Episode IV." This goes beyond a spoof or homage, moving into the realm of plagiarism. It is as if "Family Guy" writers suddenly remembered the night before deadline they had a script to write, so they copied and pasted from the Internet, hoping no one would notice. The verbatim retelling of "Star Wars" takes up the majority of the episode, aside from other random pop culture references devoid of any creativity or wit.
Seth MacFarlane is not even original enough to come up with this idea first. The last scene of the episode gives credit to "Robot Chicken" for spoofing "Star Wars" before "Family Guy" in much the same way. At least "Robot Chicken" had the inherently hilarity of claymation.
Of course, I could be in the minority. If the phrase "Darth doodie," appeals to your sense of humor, then the next season of "Family Guy" will probably leave you completely satisfied.
— Benjamin Jones
“Simpsons”
Sunday, 7 p.m.
In its four-millionth season on air, Fox's mainstay and 23-time Emmy award winner "The Simpsons" has turned from ageless wonder to network blunder about as quickly as pre-teen idol "Hanson" did at the end of the '90s. However, like the Julio Franco of network television, "The Simpsons" has managed to hang on for an exhausting 19th season and even squeezed a movie deal out of Twentieth Century Fox this summer.
In the season premiere Sunday, "The Simpsons" picked up where it left off in the summer movie by continuing its lingering themes (a demolished Springfield, Spider-pig, etc.) in its hallmark opening sequence. The problem with this is that the tired show started its new season with old and unfunny themes. Then it continued with tangential sequences of Homer flying on a private jet, losing his job and finally ending up flying another jet. If only the jokes were still funny.
For the common "Simpsons" fan, today's episodes are a bittersweet relic of a once glorious age. Just like a fresh pair of Zubaz, your mom's sweet-pea casserole and Bill Clinton, consistently funny "Simpsons" episodes provided a warm and fuzzy feeling that has long since passed, never to return. There is only one catch-all cliché that could possibly describe Al Jean's decision to produce another year of this washed up television series: D'oh!
The sad fact is that "The Simpsons" was an innovator and truly revolutionary concept in American media. A cartoon chock full of adult references and sophisticated humor while still being silly enough for the average child, was a brilliant notion that brought the series untold fame and success.
Yet the genre has expanded and evolved, and "The Simpsons" has yet to catch up. "Family Guy" — which will surely prove to be the climax of the cartoon television era — is the quick, witty younger brother that has perpetually left viewers without the motivation to tune in to the hit series of yore.
However, Maggie, Lisa, Bart, Marge and Homer can still bring it on occasion. There will always be amazing guest stars — Stephen Colbert and Lionel Richie made appearances in the season premiere — and the show's original brand of humor still has the potential to invoke a raspy chuckle echoing that of Marge herself.
Myself, though, I'd rather be eating shorts on a Sunday night.
— Andy Granias
“Back to You”
Wednesday, 7 p.m.
For the first time in more than 20 years, Kelsey Grammer is starring in a network sitcom not as Frasier Crane.
The highly publicized new Fox sitcom "Back to You" premiered last week, and already, Fox is touting its 9.5 million viewers as the "most watched new sitcom" of the young fall season.
But Fox would be lucky to get all those viewers back for Week 2.
The show starts out with news anchor Chuck Darling (Grammer) returning to Pittsburgh after being fired from a Los Angeles TV station for losing his cool on the air. Chuck is reunited with his former co-anchor Kelly Carr (Patricia Heaton), who feels particularly uncomfortable with Chuck coming back to town.
Grammer and Heaton act remarkably similar in "Back to You" as they did in "Frasier" and "Everybody Loves Raymond," respectively. Chuck is a sophisticated bachelor, while Kelly is cold and angry with a hidden soft side. Grammer and Heaton have excellent chemistry for only working together for a short time, as both have clearly established themselves in the past.
The supporting cast is pretty funny, the highlights being Fred Willard as the sports anchor and Josh Gad as the news director.
The big problem with "Back to You," though, is its potentially short-lived dominant storyline. Before leaving Pittsburgh, Chuck and Kelly had a one-stand night, resulting in an unexpected child. In the coming episodes, Chuck will likely meet his long-lost daughter, and the big plot device will be gone. If the show can keep the teleprompts lively, though, expect to grow up and grow old with Kelsey Grammer one more time.
— Tom Schalmo
“Kitchen Nightmares”
Wednesday, 8 p.m.
What is it that makes a no-nonsense Brit chewing someone out so compelling? There's Simon Cowell and "American Idol," and Jo Frost and "Supernanny" — and then there's Gordon Ramsay, whose vitriol has whipped three seasons of cooking contestants into shape on "Hell's Kitchen." Now Ramsay is hosting "Kitchen Nightmares," which has been imported from the U.K. and adapted for American consumption. Unfortunately, this half-baked mess should have been sent back.
The premise of "Kitchen Nightmares" is that Ramsay blows into towns across America, plying his superhuman culinary insights and quaintly British insults and turning dives into five-star dining destinations. In the season premiere, his assignment is the failing family-owned restaurant Peter's, in (the appropriately named) Babylon, N.Y.
While the haggard restaurateur Tina counts the accumulating bills and contemplates the sweet release of death, her inconsiderate brother Peter, manager and co-owner, spends his days wasting money and fighting with the cook staff, led by the likable, grizzled head chef Tom. By the way, the food's also pretty bad. Ramsay to the rescue.
Fox should know by now that this is an easy formula: We like watching people cook food, and as "Hell's Kitchen" has taught us, we like watching people screw up while cooking food. Yet the actual food is continually placed on the backburner, and the show instead turns Ramsay into a guidance counselor for Tina and the rest of her staff as they deal with Peter's arrogance.
This is definitely not appreciated, and even though he eventually gets around to telling Peter off (complete with Tom gawking in disbelief), it's too little, too late. Ramsay even plays at being Ty Pennington from "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" when he surprises the staff with a new, fully working stove and double-sized fridge. Worst of all, in the last five minutes of the show, Peter makes a turn-on-a-dime transformation into both a productive employee and an actual person.
It all leads to a smarmy, too easy ending complete with cheery piano music and the restaurant hosting the “first-ever Babylon Family Day."
Until Fox cuts the crap and makes with the food, "Kitchen Nightmares" isn't worth your time.
— Jason Lester
"Prison Break"
Monday, 7 p.m.
How far would you go to help your brother out?
In Season 1 of Fox's "Prison Break," Michael Scofield intentionally got himself arrested so he could help his brother, Lincoln Burrows, escape.
His plan worked, and the two escaped, along with six other inmates. Now, in Season 3, it's Burrows' turn to help his brother, as Scofield finds himself imprisoned in Sona, one of Panama's most notorious prisons.
Whereas the prison setting at the fictional Fox River Penitentiary in Season 1 was realistic enough to be played off as a maximum security prison, the new locale in Panama is a bit hard to fathom. Total chaos is the name of the game, as the opening scene of the third season's first episode finds Scofield standing among a mob of crazed men. No guards occupy the prison, ensuring future plot lines revolve around the anarchy of the prison.
As has been the style of the show for two seasons, suspense remains the ingredient that keeps viewers coming back week after week. Each scene leading into commercial breaks leaves fans in anticipation, as important questions remain unanswered. Although there is less action thus far in Season 3, the cliffhangers are as intense as ever.
Acting has never exactly been the strongest point of "Prison Break," but the writers do a great job of developing the characters yet again, illustrating why the show has been nominated for several awards since it's debut. Wentworth Miller as Scofield and Dominic Purcell as Burrows both excel at portraying hardened criminals, while Robert Knepper succeeds in capturing the essence of a southern scoundrel in his character Theodore "T-Bag" Bagwell. Unfortunately, new characters Susan B. Anthony, played by Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, and Lechero, a drug lord and prison ring leader played by Robert Wisdom, lack the depth of previous figures in the show. However, each new addition adds an intricate part to the ever-thickening plot.
With so much uncertainty each week as to what will transpire, viewers are left guessing. The clever Scofield has broken out of prison once before, and fans can only assume he will do it again in Panama. The only question is how.
— Tyler Mason
