O.J. Simpson's new (again) book, "If I Did It," is both sensational and boring, but above all, a vicious attack on monogamy.

The 208 pages cover the drawn-out story of the Simpsons' marriage and estrangement, all the way up to the night of the murder and the subsequent trial. Simpson seems primarily concerned with painting his late ex-wife, Nicole Brown-Simpson, as a constant emotional wreck who filled every moment of poor Mr. Simpson's life with drama and arguments. He even goes to great lengths to describe how his wife would constantly lose her temper and even try to punch and kick him. Simpson also describes how their constant bickering led to an excessively unhealthy marital situation.

"Did things ever get volatile from time to time? Yes. Did I ever regret it? Yes," states Simpson in a passage from the book.

Of course, the whole thing is hard to take seriously, especially when taking into account Simpson's enormous bias. After all, Nicole Brown was 18 years old when they became involved, whereas Simpson had already been married. Is it really a surprise that a man nearly two decades her senior would find her immature? Because of this, the whole book feels like an overly extensive laundry list of his marriage complaints.

Though the reader may expect a thorough (hypothetical, of course) description of the murders, the chapter devoted to that night is dissatisfying, at best, to the voyeur.

"Then something went horribly wrong," Simpson said of murder, "And I know what happened, but I can't tell you exactly ." If Simpson only knew how the law of double jeopardy works, maybe we would get a few more juicy details. He describes the murder scene after the fact, but never explains how his knife and clothes became soaked in blood. He just blankly transitions from a blind rage to a state of total confusion.

The interesting parts are few and far between, and they mostly revolve around his 1989 domestic abuse conviction and, of course, the trial. Another notable portion is the retelling of the slow-speed police chase involving the infamous Ford white Bronco and the Simpson's near suicide.

"I saw nothing but more pain ahead of me, and I decided to end it. I realized, I can make this stop. One shot to the fucking head and it’s over," he writes.

Obviously Simpson is still alive today, but one can't help wonder how history would have remembered the 2,000-yard rusher if events had taken a different turn.

Orenthal James Simpson will always be remembered as the comeback king of the century. After years of living off his NFL pension so as not to pay off his $38 million civil suit to the Goldman family (pensions cannot legally be used to settle civil court debts), he is finally getting his career back. Mr. Simpson's agent is a genius for planning on not only milking the cash cow of the trial-of-the-century, but also for coming up with a master plan to revamp the Hall of Famer's tarnished image. "If I Did It" is without a doubt Phase 1 of this plan. His armed robbery publicity stunt in the Palace Station Casino of Las Vegas, Nevada must have been Phase 2.

So, what could possibly be Phase 3? Not another hypothetical murder, but a brand new reality show with Simpson as the star! It could be a combination of "The Flavor of Love" and "Survivor," but with higher stakes, of course. And if Simpson's winning smile and charming demeanor don’t convince America of his true star potential, he can use his new thug street cred to play the main muscle or a jaded gangster in a Youtube-exclusive re-re-remake of "Ocean's Eleven."

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