This year's Academy Award ceremony clocked in at three hours and 50 minutes. To call the pace glacial would be an insult to glaciers. Still, this did not stop me from keeping a running diary of Sunday's proceedings, mainly because it was brought to my attention that I have not devoted enough time and energy to the Oscars in recent weeks.
6:25 — For the first time in my life, I feel compelled to watch an Oscar pre-show. Call me crazy, but I've never seen the appeal of watching people step out of cars. Turns out, this is more entertaining than one might expect: Within 30 seconds of putting on E!, I see a clearly outgunned Ryan Seacrest asking Spike Lee about his predictions for Best Picture, only to have Spike chastise him for not first taking the time to ask about Black History Month. Seacrest gets flustered, stammers his way through the rest of the interview and then finishes things up by inexplicably telling Spike, "You look lovely." This is followed by Spike looking like he was just told that Isiah Thomas re-signed Allan Houston for $200 million.
6:31 — Seacrest interviews an openly scornful Alan Arkin, who is in full-on confused old man-mode. Arkin repeatedly tells Seacrest, "Speak up! I can't hear a word you're saying!" and bristles when Seacrest asks him if he swore in front of Abigail Breslin. Seacrest asks him if he knows what the movie is rated, and Arkin shouts, "How should I know what the movie is rated?!" and stalks away.
6:50 — Seacrest interviews Meryl Streep and her stunning daughter, who looks exactly like her mother did in "The Deer Hunter." As you might expect, Meryl mercilessly busts Seacrest's chops, to the point he stops talking to her and starts hitting on the daughter, who predictably shuts him down.
7:05 — First Al Gore sighting of the evening. If Chris Nolan needs somebody to play the Penguin in his "Batman Begins" sequel, I think Gore would be a solid choice. He's pushing three bills at this point. Sadly, he doesn't do an interview with Seacrest…
7:31 — We open up with a short from Errol Morris with all the nominees talking against a white background. Interesting choice, but I like it.
7:37 — Ellen Degeneres takes the stage for her monologue in a purple crushed-velvet suit and bowling shoes that make her look like Max Fischer from "Rushmore."
7:42 — First Peter O'Toole sighting. He's sporting the same confused, glassy-eyed look my grandmother has when she demands pancakes at 4 in the morning.
7:44 — Steve Carell looks visibly annoyed when Ellen uses him as a punch line toward the end of her monologue. Easy there, Steve-O.
7:46 — Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman come out to present Best Art Direction. On a night when Oscar producer Laura Ziskin put on a very good show, opening with Craig and Kidman was a mistake. As a rule of thumb, you don't want your opening presenters to come off like they just downed a quart of Robitussin.
7:48 — Our first winner of the evening is Eugenio Caballero for "Pan's Labyrinth." Ahh, yes, an art director babbling in broken English, an Oscar tradition unlike any other!
7:54 — "Ooh, Ryan Gosling, you're all hip and now. Well, I'm going to break your hip… right now!"
8:00 — Jaden Smith and Abigail Breslin present Best Animated Short and Best Live-Action Short. Get it, because they are short? I could make a few highly inappropriate jokes about what Jaden and Abigail are going to do at the after-party, but I won't.
8:01 — "The Danish Poet" wins for Best Animated Short. The director, Torril Kove, has undoubtedly been waiting her whole life for this moment, but I have to think it's a little disappointing to have your Academy Award handed to you by two 11-year-olds.
8:02 — Random cutaway to Cate Blanchett, chewing a piece of gum big enough to choke Secretariat.
8:05 — Finally! Our first Jack Nicholson sighting. He's inexplicably bald and looks like Colonel Kurtz.
8:15 — "Sound editing is a lot like sex: It's usually done alone, late at night, while surrounded by many electronic gadgets."
8:20 — Jessica Biel arrives to present Best Sound. I'll never be confused with an expert on fashion, but even I can tell that Biel's whole look — a purple dress paired with a frizzy perm — does not work. She looks like she's auditioning for a Rick Springfield video.
8:21 — The "Dreamgirls" team wins for Best Sound, and everybody goes out of their way to thank director Bill Condon, who is not nominated tonight. We are then treated to a shot of a decidedly pissy Condon, who looks like he's being robbed at knifepoint. Way to be a sport, Bill.
8:23 — Proving that I could live until I am 103 and still never correctly predict Best Supporting Actor, Alan Arkin pulls the first upset of the night and takes down Eddie Murphy. Arkin seems slightly more with it here than he did with Seacrest. More notable is the fact Eddie Murphy looks like he's about to cry, although that may be because his date appears to be 100 percent woman. Hey-oh!
8:26 — First shot of the entire camp for "The Departed." As you might expect, considering the parties involved, the whole crew looks a little shaky. I'd put the odds of somebody in this group going to detox at 2-1.
8:32 — James Taylor turns in a surprisingly non-sucky performance of Randy Newman's song from "Cars." While the rest of the audience enjoys the performance, "The Departed" team takes the opportunity to take a few belts from the big plastic bottles of alcohol they are all hiding under their tuxes.
8:33 — In an apparent effort to drive away all viewers under 50, Taylor is immediately followed by a performance from Melissa Etheridge. Perhaps thrown by being only the second most famous lesbian in attendance, Etheridge turns in a hard-charging performance of her song from "An Inconvenient Truth." Needless to say, it is found wanting.
8:36 — Al Gore and Leo DiCaprio come on stage to tell us about recycling. Also, Gore seems to have pulled a "Flowers For Algernon" and gone back to his old condescending self: Mr. Vice President, I think we all know what green energy is.
8:52 — A sweaty and overwhelmed William Monahan wins Best Adapted Screenplay for "The Departed." He could just be overwhelmed by the moment, or maybe he's just realizing that he's probably going to finish up the night floating facedown in the pool at Chateau Marmont.
9:00 — Emily Blunt and a practically translucent Anne Hathaway giggle their way through Best Costume Design. I love how a major story leading up to the ceremony this year has been about how all the nominated actresses represent real beauty and whatnot, and then we get a dose of these two. They weigh like a combined 85 pounds. Ladies, please — have a sandwich.
9:08 — Ears around the world perk up when they hear Tom Cruise say the words "stem-cell research" during his tribute to Sherry Lansing. Does Tom have anything he'd like to share with the rest of the class regarding his views on stem-cell research?
9:09 — Sherry Lansing takes the stage, obviously upset she couldn't replace Cruise with Billy Friedkin. During her speech, she takes a strong pro-teacher, pro-school stance, which is indicative of the kind of bold, risky decisions she made while running Paramount.
9:11 — Clint Eastwood calls Ellen Degeneres "darling." He also thanks her for a pair of headphones he claims she gave him. Clint may or may not be playing with a full deck this evening.
9:14 — Guillermo Navarro wins Best Cinematographer, the third win for "Pan's Labyrinth." By this point, you have to think Lou Dobbs has turned off the telecast.
9:36 — As expected, Jennifer Hudson wins Best Supporting Actress. She proceeds to thank God, Bill Condon, and, um, God.
9:45 — "Several years ago, I was featured in a documentary called 'Comedian.' It won nothing and made even less."
9:57 — Clint Eastwood presents a lifetime achievement award to composer Ennio Morricone. Eastwood manages to butcher the end of his speech and complains that he can't find his glasses. Before the "Will Clint Eastwood Find His Glasses!?" saga can reach a dramatic crescendo, Celine Dion hustles on stage to perform a new song set to a Morricone score.
10:02 — Eastwood is forced to translate Morricone's acceptance speech. That's right, Clint Eastwood — actor, director, writer, producer, composer and now, translator.
10:30 — Somehow, Melissa Etheridge wins Best Original Song, depriving the world of another shot of Bill Condon. She spends her whole speech thanking Al Gore, who at this point has taken on mythic hero status: Al Gore cured polio! Al Gore formed the Grand Canyon with one swing on his giant axe!
10:37 — A Michael Mann-directed montage on how America depicts itself in the movies. This is easily the most enjoyable part of the telecast.
10:44 — Thelma Schoonmaker wins Best Editing for "The Departed," effectively putting the movie into the driver's seat for Best Picture. Interestingly enough, I don't see Matt Damon or Alec Baldwin in the crowd. Did they just decide to stay home and pre-game?
10:55 — Helen Mirren: Academy Award winner, and, lest we forget, star of "Teaching Mrs. Tingle."
11:05 — As expected, Forrest Whitaker wins Best Actor and gives a decidedly chill-inducing acceptance speech that immediately joins the ranks of top 10 Oscar moments.
11:08 — Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola are presenting Best Director. George Lucas' neck-waddle is enormous.
11:10 — Marty wins! Marty wins! The cast of "The Departed" staggers to their feet and implores the crowd to do the same. In a wide shot, we see the audience rise to their feet, and Eastwood's date takes the opportunity to wipe lint off of his groin. Nice move. Scorsese — looking quite frog-like — screams his acceptance speech and then advises his daughter that he won't see her until tomorrow afternoon.
11:15 — Nicholson and Diane Keaton stumble out on stage to present Best Picture. Both of them are clearly having trouble with this. Finally, Keaton just blurts out that "The Departed" won, and I honestly start to worry about the safety of people in downtown Los Angeles. Sadly, Nicholson does not seize the microphone and shout "Hey everybody — we're all gonna get laid!" Now that would be a finish.
Ray Gustini is a sophomore majoring in English and journalism. Want to compare notes on Ryan Seacrest's incompetence, George Lucas's neck waddle or the escapades of "The Departed" cast members? E-mail him at [email protected].
