As I write this, it's Friday night and I've got a cold, so I decided not to go out. But then I go over to the fridge, pull out a Diet Coke and open it, only it's not a Diet Coke — it's a Bud Light. So now I've got a problem: I've got this open beer and nobody to drink with. Do I just let it go, or do I drink by myself? Or do I let it sit? These are the questions that consume my life. Maybe doing a quick mailbag will help.

Since this season of "24" officially sucks, I was thinking we should shake up the series by giving Jack a partner. How great would that be? Who would you choose?

I actually have a confession to make: I don't watch "24." I know, I know, it has become part of the American canon (right there with "The Great Gatsby," "The Grapes of Wrath" and "Cocktail"), but I just have a lot of trouble with the whole "Kiefer Sutherland: Action Hero" thing. I trace this back to the fact that he absolutely terrified me as a child when I saw him in "Stand by Me." Also, this may make me sound stupid, but I find the show very confusing. I'm always one of those people who gets confused at the movies, and it only gets worse when I'm at home and have the Internet to distract me. I posed this question to my neighbor Andy, a huge "24" fan, and he concluded that Jack Bauer cannot and will not ever work with a partner. "Look what happened with Nina," he says (at this point, I have no idea what he's talking about, but I nod my head anyway). That being said, I know I would tune in if Jack got partnered with Sean Taylor, but only if Taylor played himself. You're telling me we couldn't catch bin Laden in like 15 minutes if we had Sean Taylor and Jack Bauer on the case?

Can we just move "drunk online shopping" into the category of "drunk dialing"?

I have excused myself from answering this question. During one of our weekly chats, my mom got on me about talking too much about drinking in my columns. We came to a tenuous agreement that I should only include one reference to being bombed per column, and I've already used that up with my story about the Bud Light. So let me think how I can get around this rule, while still answering what is a fascinating question. OK, here goes: From what I have heard, and this is just anecdotal mind you, drunk shopping is a horrible, horrible thing that results in people getting a lot of useless things they don't need and would never want if they were sober. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to return the first season DVDs of "Murder, She Wrote." Maybe my mom wants them.

Better Super Bowl blogger: Chuck Klosterman or Bill Simmons?

This is one of those questions, like "Bird or Magic" or "Jack or Sawyer," that is going to be the subject of fierce debate for years to come. I think Klosterman is probably a better writer and his blog this week from Detroit was probably the funniest thing I've read in the last six months. That being said, Simmons has three strong years under his belt and cranked out, like, 25,000 words a day last year in Jacksonville, a city where nothing was going on. How he did that is a mystery to me. I have panic attacks over having to write two 1,300-word columns a week. The on-location reporting does play to Klosterman's strengths as a reporter, whereas Simmons is always better when he's just pontificating about some random subject. But you have to give Simmons the advantage, if only because if Isaiah Thomas does indeed hunt him down and slaughter him (a situation that is looking more and more likely every day), he'll have that whole "dead artist" thing going on for him. (My vision of how the whole Zeke/Simmons thing is going to go down: it'll be like "The 6th Sense." One day, after he has been fired, sued for sexual harassment and discredited in the basketball community, Zeke comes stumbling into the Sports Guy Mansion with a gun. Bill tries to calm everything down, but then makes an ill-advised comment about Eddie Curry's heart troubles and gets shot. Then, for the next six months, Bill will think the Sports Gal is being unduly distant towards him. Then, one night, he's in his basement watching the Celtics game and hears Derek Lowe upstairs, making a pass at his wife. It is then that he realizes that Isaiah really did kill him that night.)

Can I just inquire as to why you listed "tall goofy girls" as one of your interests on Facebook? Are you sexist or just a jackass?

To answer your question, yes, I am a sexist, but in a good way, if that's possible. I'm the guy who can joke endlessly about Scarlett Johansson's chest then go out and volunteer to answer phones at Emily's List. But then I'll end up spending the whole time flirting with the girl at the kiosk next to me. The thing about tall, goofy girls is, basically, they rock my world. I'm not sure why this is: I'm tall, but not that tall. I think it has something to do with fact that from an early age their height has forced them to not take themselves too seriously, and so they know when to laugh at themselves, which is always a plus. Also, many of them played basketball in high school, which is great for me, since approximately 22 percent of everything that comes out my mouth is somehow related to basketball. Also, there's nothing like a girl banging their head on something when they're out on a date to cut the dreaded tension level. And really, this is what makes tall, goofy girls so special: they cut right through the tension level. I have this unnatural fear of tension, stemming from the fact that I grew up in a household where people competed and schemed against one another — we were like the salesmen from "Glengarry, Glenross." As a result, I actively seek out situations that are tension free. Some people confuse this with laziness, but really, it is just to save myself from being put in a situation where people are actually expecting me to come through for them. Which is why I have such a problem going out with girls who put pressure on me to, you know, do anything or say anything of substance. Tall, goofy girls, they just seem to diffuse that pressure. I dig that. Also, they have good legs.

Actor or actress that you're inexplicably fond of?

See, this is the kind of direct questioning that I love. Not a word wasted. Anyway, I like where this question is coming from, especially since it has the potential to embarrass me to no end, which is the point of the mailbag. I really like Val Kilmer for some reason. I just think he's a good actor. He never really connected as a megastar, but I think he's great as a character actor, kind of like Alec Baldwin. I feel bad, because this choice isn't that embarrassing. What you really should have asked was who my favorite guilty pleasure musical act is. The answer, of course, is Alanis Morisette. I am a sucker for anybody off the Lilith Fair tour. Speaking of the Lilith Fair Maidens, whatever happened to them? I mean, I know Jewel and Sheryl Crowe are still kicking around, but what happened to Shawn Colvin, or Meredith Brooks or Lisa Loeb? Did they just get pushed out by the likes of Kathleen Edwards and Kasey Chambers? Shouldn't at least one of them be making a comeback album where their voices are all hard and hoarse and they swear a lot? I think I need to bump some Jagged Little Pill. Can you tell at this point whether I drank that Bud Light?

Ray Gustini is a freshman majoring in political science and history. He's happy about the fact that Lisa Loeb has a reality show on E! Ray can be reached for questions or comments at [email protected].