Well, another semester has come and gone here at the old U-dub. The spring of 2005 marked the second semester for Last Action Heroes. We set out months and months ago with a simple goal: to give a voice to action fans everywhere. With this being the final column of the semester, it’s time to get all retrospective up in this mother and reminisce about what we’ve learned in two semesters. Let’s go straight to the action, no pun intended.

Joe:

We’ve had many arguments, all of course won by me in grand and decisive fashion. There has been some fun had at the expense of others: Lou Diamond Phillips, Dolph Lundgren and, of course, mini-Badger Herald page designer Tom Joy. But, above all, there have been movies. Lots and lots of action movies. I’ve watched some masterpieces like “Under Siege” and “Commando,” but I’ve also endured the likes of “Strike Force” and “Full Clip.” Platinum Discs of La Crosse, I shall never forgive you for your treacherous packaging of “Strike Force.” How dare you fool me into thinking Richard Gere was an action star. He was barely in that movie. The only thing worse than that was the time Charles Parsons forced me to watch the video of his “glorious D&D victory” from the previous weekend.

Derek:

Joe would like you to believe he won all of his arguments. The truth is, most of his arguments (see ’90s as best action decade) were as horrible as Tom Joy’s page design skills or Charles Parsons’ aptitude with a 20-sided die. All that aside, Joe has been a glorious addition to the Last Action Heroes staff. Throughout our numerous appearances on national television talk shows and grueling all-night meetings with executives at USA, TBS and Spike, Joe has been the brain behind the syndication juggernaut that is Last Action Heroes.

I’ll second Joe’s criticism of La Crosse’s Platinum Discs. The company also put out “Full Clip.” Terrible. What else has Madison’s action fandom learned from our adventures? Don’t do Four-Star Video Heaven; it doesn’t have any of the Delta Force movies. Hollywood Video has every imaginable action flick from the first “Delta Force” to “xXx.”

Joe:

We’ve met some new friends on this journey. There’s Eric Bert, the action aficionado who became this semester’s guest Last Action Hero. Eric welcomed me into his humble abode, fed me pizza and beer and burned me a copy of a pretty sweet music video he made featuring Steven Seagal fight scenes. Keep on keepin’ on, Mr. Bert.

Then there’s Alex Paschke, one of the legion of loyal readers who sent us e-mails. Alex sent us a song he wrote entitled “Seagal Broke My Neck.” Just check out some of the lyrics:

“Help’s out of reach, I’m under siege, you’re hard to kill,

You’re out for justice and you marked me for death yeah.

Today I die, but I’m only half past dead.”

I truly know not what to say, Alex. Your dedication to the legendary Steven Seagal is both deranged and impressive. Keep up the good work.

Derek:

The Seagal ballad by Alex Paschke was both mesmerizing and nauseating at the same time. It was almost as awesome as “Masterz of Dartz and Swordz” by the Workout Freak. This brings me to my next topic. The intense investigation, research and examination of all types of action movies by Joe and myself have left me wondering if there were any real life local action heroes. The answer is yes and he is known only as the Workout Freak. He won’t be battling bad guys unless the bad guys are University of Wisconsin Track & Field Records. Armed with a bag of nuts, fruit and pitas, he roams the UW campus in search of straight-aways where he can speed walk. Flexible as a cat with rap skills like Ron Artest, the Workout Freak was a column the Last Action Heroes never addressed and for that we are sorry.

How can one forget the “filet mignon of action movies” line the column winner Eric Bert dished out in Van Damme style? Also, a huge thank you to all students, professors, school administrators and regular citizens who took time to tell us about their experiences with the action genre.

Joe:

Yessiree, there have been some good times. But, all good things must come to an end.

This shall be my final appearance in the quasi-journalistic juggernaut that is Last Action Heroes. The world needs me and I must move on. Fear not though, action fans. Like Celine Dion’s heart in that horrible “Titanic” song, Last Action Heroes will go on. I pass the torch of action education to Ryan Gauthier, better known to the world as “Goat.” Don’t be fooled by Goat’s Clay Aiken-like hair do, he is a worthy successor.

I leave you with these inspirational words, paraphrased from the legendary band New Radicals: Don’t let go, you’ve got the action in you.

I’m out. Roll credits and cue the cheesy theme song.

Derek:

With the passing of Joe, we welcome Goat. It’s true, Goat does look like a cross between Clay Aiken and David Bowie, but don’t let that fool you. Having watched “Commando” as a young toddler, the man is groomed in the art of action analysis. While not a Joe Ziemer, Goat brings a new flare to Last Action Heroes and little challenge to his future counterpart.

We’ve talked about everything from Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) as an action hero to the greatest decade for the action genre. We hope the diverse topics we covered will allow you to become a fully developed action aficionado. Until September, have a craptacular, action-filled summer.

The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Have an idea for Derek and Ryan to discuss next semester?! Then get all interactive and contact the fellas by e-mail at [email protected]. Your question or comment could be featured in an upcoming column.