This is the long-awaited day. At last, after weeks of hype and build up, the Last Action Heroes welcome Mr. Eric Bert to the ArtsEtc. section of the Badger Herald. Now, for all those whose brains were too warped by Spring Break to remember, here’s a quick history lesson: Eric, an aspiring filmmaker and true action aficionado, is the winner of the recent Guest Last Action Hero contest. His reward was to review a movie of his choice with everyone’s favorite action critics. This week, he will be doing more than just that, however. With Derek stranded in Syracuse, Eric has been called upon to fill his shoes. Mr. Bert has selected the classic “On Deadly Ground,” starring and directed by Steven Seagal. In this action gem, Forest Taft (Seagal) wreaks havoc on the evil oil company he used to work for. Let’s go straight to the action, shall we?
Eric:
Seagal’s acting performance, delivered through an intimidating deep whisper, is phenomenal in this filet mignon of action movies, “On Deadly Ground.”
The first fight scene of the movie begins when Seagal goes to a bar. While enjoying a few drinks like a gentleman, this connoisseur of fine apparel and his fierce ponytail become subjected to name calling by a group of drunken oil workers.
One word of advice, if you and a group of your friends ever decide to go to a bar and repeatedly call Seagal the name “cupcake,” you better make sure you bring enough body bags.
Shortly after making fun of Seagal, the oil workers start beating down a harmless Native American. This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Seagal responds by jumping up on a table and punting one of them in the head. As adversaries flank around the port and starboard side of Seagal, it quickly becomes apparent that they are no match for his panther-like reflexes, as he ruthlessly administers a beatdown worthy of federal legislation.
Shortly after finishing this effortless activity without breaking a sweat or getting touched, Seagal challenges the last man standing to play him in the hand-slap game.
Within seconds, this sauced-up barbarian is beaten beyond recognition. Seagal then asks him the philosophical question, “What does it take to change the essence of a man?” After receiving the adequate answer, “Time,” Seagal pats his new friend on the shoulder and strolls out of the bar.
Joe:
What you really have to love about “On Deadly Ground” is the insight Seagal the director gives into the mind of Seagal the character. I’m not even going to bother referring to him as Forest Taft because, let’s face it, the guy has played the same character in all of his movies and that character is Steven Seagal.
In this film, we see Seagal’s transition from the greedy oil employee who declares “For $350,000 I’d f*** anything once,” to the environmental steward who asks the dastardly Michael Caine, “How much money is enough?”
Seagal is a badass with a conscience. However, don’t for a moment think he turns soft. He records 24 of the movie’s 26 kills and 29 of the 34 beatdowns. No wonder the villain says of Seagal, “Try this: delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate f***ing nightmare. And that won’t come close to that son of a bitch when he gets pissed.”
C’mon Michael Caine, you didn’t expect Seagal to stand idly by while you destroyed the Alaskan environment, did you?
Eric:
Knowing that Seagal is aware of his evil intentions, Caine attempts to have him killed. Sending Seagal to fix an oil rig booby-trapped with explosives that hurl his carcass hundreds of feet in distance through the air upon detonation only manages to make the wrong man very, very angry.
Seagal, slightly injured from the explosion, is found by a group of Native Americans passing by, taken to their village to recover and sent on a brief journey to the supernatural world. While on this journey, Seagal comes to a fork in the road when he has to make the tough decision between gaining knowledge from a wise old lady or hittin’ skins with a super hot, naked chick. After choosing the old lady option, Seagal learns that he is part man, part grizzly bear and is to be guided by the bear and the eagle on his mission to protect nature from man.
Unsure of the effectiveness of the eagle and bear, Seagal decides to stick to more conventional methods in defeating his enemy: a sixth-degree black belt in Aikido, C4 plastic explosives, trip wires, pits with sharp sticks in the bottom and as many guns as he can carry.
I give this film the rating of four Steven Seagals.
Joe:
This is simply a classic. Were there an action movie Hall of Fame, “On Deadly Ground” would be in on the first ballot. There are just so many incredible moments. From Seagal’s multitude of one-liners to his tackling of a bear in the spiritual trance, the highlights just don’t stop. The final fight scene is nothing short of awesome. In the span of about 20 minutes, Seagal single-handily destroys the Aegis 1 oil refinery and kills just about every thug and goon on the company payroll. My personal favorite is the homemade silencer he fashions out of a two-liter soda bottle and some duct tape. There’s nothing better than arts and craft time with Seagal.
Just when you think you’ve seen the best “On Deadly Ground” has to offer, Seagal hits you with the environment speech. That’s right, Seagal lectures the local tribal council on how to take care of the environment. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that is the equivalent of me giving dance lessons to Usher.
The film ends with a shot of Seagal and his lady in a canoe somewhere in the middle of an Alaskan lake. Work that game, playboy!
I give “On Deadly Ground” the highest rating at my disposal: four Steven Seagals. I would also like to give equal props to my co-author for the week, Eric, who not only hosted, but provided a delightful menu of pretzels, pizza, beer and Seagal. My friends, it just does not get any better than that.
The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you! Contact them via e-mail at [email protected]. Your question or comment could be featured in an upcoming column. Don’t worry ladies, Derek will return next week.
