Spring is always a time to roll out optimism with new climate-appropriate cocktails … but there was more going on in Gato’s complicated life this year.

It’s so dramatic, Gato’s lawyer suggests starting with his version of a Vodka Gimlet before proceeding. You’ll need 1 to 1-1/2 oz. of vodka, a splash of lime juice and limeade ice cubes with half-rinds of lime floating in the middle. Shake with regular ice cubes, strain and serve in cocktail glass with limeade ice cubes.

Now you’re ready for 60-degree weather and a story more scandalous than Paris Hilton’s lost Sidekick filled with racy messages from Tony Blair.

Magda, Gato’s manager, had just acquired Jenna Bush as a client for her PR agency. Jenna’s instructions were: “Magda, I want you to remake me as someone between Amy Carter and Ashlee Simpson.”

Gato, in the same time frame, had introduced a grad student “friend” to a group of Columbian Marxists and said “friend” had flown to Medellin to meet with them for research interviews. Little did Gato know this particular hombre was involved with a stateside anarchist movement. Hence, his meeting caused him more than a few problems once arriving back on U.S. soil. In detention, he used Gato as his one phone call.

Then, at behest of Magda, Jenna phoned her twin, who then called Condoleeza Rice, who in turn, called Homeland Security brass and arranged for the release of Gato’s acquaintance. In exchange for the favor, Dr. Rice asked that Gato do service to his country and be retained as her personal shopper.

Jenna warned Gato before he started, “Condi is sick about bargains, sick. You don’t want to see her rage if you buy her one of those blue Chanel suits at full price.” She leaned over and whispered in Gato’s ear, “Between us, that’s the real reason Uncle Colin quit; he’s not a sale shopper. That rubbed her the wrong way.”

And that’s where Chanelgate all started. Yes, Gato did use Dr. Rice’s influence a bit to push down prices for Chanel suits … and at Henri Bendel. But let it be known, if Dan Rather, disguised as a drag queen, wasn’t following Gato around taping everything on a DV camera stolen from the CBS Early Show set (evidently, not even CBS knew their own morning show was still on the air), no one would have known.

Thanks to Jenna, who calmed Gato and Magda’s nerves, everyone could still enjoy the spate of spring cocktail parties Gato was planning.

Needless to say, one of those soirees was held at the late actor Marlon Brando’s secret lakeside Kenosha home, and the fact that the grounds were protected by Chicago mobsters would not help the Chanelgate case. At least readers can enjoy throwing a small cocktail affair without Dan Rather, wearing gold lamé, spying on you from a dingy in the middle of Lake Michigan.

Choosing cocktails to appropriately fit the season has gone the way of grammar lessons in American schools. At the same time, the U.S. has prospered dramatically in the rise of celebrity literature like inTouch magazine. Therefore, Gato warned Jenna that he only sees the U.S. declining like Rome if people forget Baley’s Irish Cream is a winter and spring liquor, not a summer cocktail ingredient.

“In Texas,” Jenna said, “Every girl knows density determines the season in which something can be served.”

At that point in the evening, Magda proposed the No Cocktail Left Behind act, which included a provision that all spring drinks include a twist of fresh fruit.

In honor of the bill, Gato mixed up a batch of frozen valencias for his friends and the two FBI agents watching from the ice cream truck outside, (they figured Dan Rather might be onto something).

To mix up enough valencias for four you’ll need 6 oz. Of Apricot Brandy, 1/2 fresh apricot, 3/4 cup of not-from-concentrate OJ, 6 dashes of orange bitters or Contreau and 2 tsp. of fine sugar. Blend ingredients with 3/4 cup of ice in blender, serve in short glasses.

While savoring the valencias, Magda assured Jenna that she checked the calories of everything her clients ate or drank. In keeping with spring diets, Magda informed us that vodka, gin and rum all have 65 calories per ounce while thick liquors or créme liquors have 120 to 135 calories per ounce. “But,” Magda cautioned, “Alcohol turns to sugar so too much of it can be more vicious to a beautiful body than Vladamir Putin’s “Three-Ham-a-Day Diet.”

While Gato mixed the next drink on the menu, a round of Sid Vicious, Jenna and Magda debated which Russian autocrats actually had their own fad diet.

Make Gato’s Sid Vicious as follows: 1-1/2 oz light rum, 1/2 oz sweet bourbon, 1/2 oz. Contreau or triple sec, 1/2 oz lemon juice and 1/2 oz cherry juice. Shake and serve over lightly sweetened lemon juice ice cubes.

Gato’s lawyer would like to advise, if you happen to be mixing any of these cocktails in class or in the kitchen of your workplace and a professor or boss tells you to terminate your daytime bartending, leap up and yell for all to hear, “You can’t use that Patriot Act on me!”

As the night was winding down, Jenna asked Gato to make one of her favorite drink categories, a Pousse Café. “As long as the French keep inventing new versions of those beautiful layered drinks,” Jenna said, “they can sell as many missiles to China as they want!”

A basic Pousse Café is white créme de menthe and white créme de cacao, in two layers. To achieve the layered effect, always pour the heaviest liquor first. For the second layer, place a bar spoon or teaspoon upside down, into the glass against the edge. Pour the next heaviest liquid over the spoon and continue with each, ending with the lightest. These are not easy to make (or cheap) so they’re best for a small group of friends who don’t mind chipping in or drinking mistakes.

Other beautiful layered drinks are a Blue Moon, which uses amaretto, Bailey’s Irish Cream, and Blue Curacao and the Rainbow using Créme de Banana, Créme de Noyeaux (a pink, almond-flavored liqueur), Curacao, midori and cream with vanilla flavoring.

After vacation, the lowdown on Chanelgate: Gato was only scouring cities for the greatest designer bargains for Condi — and his readers.