The year was 1993. It was a time of new beginnings in the action universe, as action megastar Chuck Norris journeyed where no action star had gone before: network television. Teaming with CBS, Norris kicked his way onto the small screen with “Walker, Texas Ranger.” For nine years, Norris portrayed Ranger Cordell Walker and taught everyone with a television set once and for all, not to mess with Texas.
Joe:
Produced by Chuck and Aaron Norris, there was no way “Walker, Texas Ranger” could have been anything but awesome. From the cheesy theme music through the even cheesier moment of levity at an episode’s conclusion, this show was simply a gem. I mean, how can you go wrong with Chuck kicking stuff for an hour a week? You have to love a show set in Texas where every law enforcement agent and criminal have extensive knowledge of martial arts.
I experienced the full magic of “Walker” Saturday night, when I stumbled upon an old episode during some late-night channel surfing. The show opened up with a video montage of Walker working out, set to music so horrible it wouldn’t even make the cut for an Uncle Kracker CD. I knew immediately this was going to be a dynamite episode. Now, check out this plotline: Walker’s friend is a principal in charge of a troubled school. You see, it turns out the shop teacher is running a drug ring. When the principal finds out, the corrupt teacher kills him. But guess what? Now Walker becomes the principal. Oh, snap! Not only does Mr. Norris teach all the kids that drugs are bad, but he busts the drug ring and karate kicks the evil teacher off the top of a building. Brilliant! Isn’t “Walker, Texas Ranger” great, D-Rock?
Derek:
Joe, you just don’t get it. Chuck Norris agreeing to star in “Walker, Texas Ranger” after filming the “Delta Force” series is tantamount to Jean Van de Velde’s three-shot collapse on the 18th hole of the 1999 British Open. You see, Norris was looking at action immortality. Take the best two films of Van Damme or Seagal, add up the kills and the beatdowns and you still don’t come close to Norris. That’s how bad Chuck was in the 1980s. Then he dropped the rockets and machine guns in favor of a cowboy hat and a fist. What?
Since when did action stars take on the roles of educators? The only lesson learned watching true action flicks is don’t mess with the guy killing all your cronies. The closest thing I can compare Principal Norris to is Vin Diesel taking on the role of Mrs. Doubtfire “The Pacifier.”
Joe:
I don’t get it, Derek. Why? Why do you gotta be like that? Why do you have to bust out the Haterade on Chuck? Sure, there is considerably less action in “Walker, Texas Ranger” than in say, “Delta Force” or “Breaker! Breaker!” So what? He’s still kicking butt, isn’t he? To be honest, I don’t think network television was ready for the unbridled action of one of those discount bin mainstays.
By making “Walker, Texas Ranger,” Chuck Norris brought action to the masses. No longer did the average Joe have to venture to the movie theater or the discount video shelf to get his fill of guys beating the crap out of one another. Thanks to the magic of television, the awesome martial arts abilities of Chuck Norris were beamed into households everywhere once a week. You know what Chuck is? He’s an action ambassador. Not only is he spreading positive messages to the youth of America (or at least the ones who were cool enough to spend their weekends watching “Walker”), he’s also teaching a whole new generation of action fans how awesome it is to watch bad guys get their comeuppances in the form of slow-motion roundhouse kicks. For that, I salute you, Chuck Norris.
Derek:
Action ambassador? What? Since when did ass kicking have to come packaged with a message? Take “Hard Target” for example. The only thing one can learn from Jean-Claude Van Damme’s murderous rampage is that you don’t mess with a man trying to get his boat pass. What kind of message is that? When was the last time anyone ever met a dude looking to get a boat pass back? If I want to see ass kicking with a message, I’ll tune into Jerry Springer and we all know how their guests would matchup against Van Damme, Seagal or Norris.
With the exception of USA and TBS Superstation, television is not the domain for action movies. You want to be able to hear bones cracking, necks snapping and fists smacking in front of a gigantic screen. Ladies, you know you want to see a version of Jean-Claude Van Damme that makes George Muresan look like Weeman.
Joe, you also said it yourself that there is “considerably less action.” Since when did action fans settle for less action and more messaging? This isn’t “Strike Force” starring Richard Gere. If I was ever granted the opportunity to create my own action series, this is what would happen. It would star Jean-Claude Van Damme and he would single-handedly take out terrorist cells while defusing nuclear warheads attached to the suicide bomber who has taken his wife and kids hostage onboard a public bus that will blow up if it drops below 55 miles per hour. All of this while JCVD was intoxicated and struggling with migraines. That’s drama and you damn well know there’ll be explosions, deaths, beatdowns and maybe even a risqué scene at the end.
We all know about Van Damme’s appearance in the television series “Friends.” Awful is the only word that can describe that terrible experiment. Luckily, JCVD did bring a little bit of actionesque into the hyper-drama that is “Friends.” He showed as much respect for the women of “Friends” as he does for women in real life (four divorces). While it wasn’t pretty, JCVD quickly learned his lesson and jumped ship. Norris, on the other hand, tries to combine Jerry Springer and “Unforgiven.” Not going to happen.
The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Contact us via e-mail at [email protected]. Don’t forget time is running out to enter the guest Last Action Hero contest! One lucky action fan will join Derek and Joe on an action adventure! To enter, submit an essay of no more than 317 words including what movie you would watch, what snacks you will provide and why you would make a good guest Last Action Hero. The winner will be announced in next week’s column!
