This week we’ve decided to step back from the traditional movie review. Instead of debating the merits of a particular film, the Last Action Heroes will take a look at the action genre as a whole. Now, we have purchased and watched many movies in our action exploits. In the course of doing so, we have taken note of many trends. Let’s discuss several of them, shall we?
Derek:
Look no further than the “Delta Force” series to see vigilante justice at its best. From all accounts in “Delta Force 2,” there are no known native survivors in the fictional country of San Carlos. Yet, when Norris returns to the United States he is hailed as a hero and nobody asks about the nearly 65 people he has killed. Then again, they were foreigners, but what about good old killings on American soil?
In the movie “Hard Target,” Jean-Claude Van Damme and an elderly man lay waste to some of the most ruthless criminals in New Orleans. The bodies pile up in abandoned warehouses, beaches and busy pedestrian centers. Still, no questions are asked. There must be a reason for this. The answer is quite simple, but complex. You see, each action movie is meant to represent real life, even if the main characters are standing on motorcycles traveling over 80 miles per hours while shooting two shotguns at an oncoming vehicle. Each adventure and each action hero are supposed to be exceptional instances — amazing true to life stories. Since each movie is a representation of real life, each character in the movie has seen such films as “Under Siege,” “Rambo,” “On Deadly Ground” and “Passenger 57.” They know what happens when you mess with badass street toughs like Van Damme, Seagal and Norris. Having this knowledge, the police, the governments and everyday people know very well the consequences of confronting the dead. Seriously, go out and kill about 20 to 30 people and do it in such a way that most are left to the forensic scientists for DNA identification and then you will see what kind of resistance you get from the authorities.
Joe:
You know, I’ve watched a lot of action movies and I’ve noticed that a lot of them take place on vehicles. “Passenger 57,” “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory” and “Derailed” are just a few. Now, there is one key to this particular plotline. The action star is always in the bathroom when the madness breaks out. I don’t care if it’s a tinkle or a boom-boom, within the first five minutes of the voyage the hero best be in the bathroom because there is going to be a hijacking. Airplane, train or Greyhound, it doesn’t matter. Somewhere on that vehicle there is a crew of sketchballs (and anyone who has ever taken a Greyhound knows there are enough shady dudes on board to take on Seagal, Van Damme and Norris) determined to take control of that vehicle. The only possible way the movie can work is if the one passenger who is well-schooled in martial arts and small arms just happens to be unaccounted for.
Derek:
Great point Joe, here’s another: Watch out for those foreigners. In “Delta Force,” the main villain is an Arab from the New World Revolution. In “Delta Force 2,” Hispanic Ramon Cota takes the helm as world’s richest drug dealer and most ruthless villain. Come to think about it, I think every foreigner in both films did not survive the movie’s running time. Hate Communists? Look no further than “XXX,” for Xander Cage to snap the necks of some Russians and infiltrate secret government territory faster than that kid who beat Super Mario Brothers 3 in less than 10 minutes.
And finally there is action star Danny Trejo. His role is to appear in action movies and take up minor parts, appear as a badass and then be mercilessly slaughtered. He is also Hispanic. Trejo was a child drug addict and criminal and spent 11 years in and out of jail. While serving in San Quentin, he won multiple boxing titles then won his way out of prison by completing a 12-step cocaine rehabilitation program. Naturally, his movie career started when he took up the role as a convict extra. Since then he has blossomed into the bloody victim everyone thought he could be. He is generally portrayed as vile and disgusting and usually suffers deaths by fire, impalement, having a leg or arm or head sliced off or in a haze of gunfire.
Joe:
Oh, and on the topic of action movie villains, let me offer up a bit of advice. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my years of cinematic intake, it is this: Never trust the Eastern European guy sitting in the corner of a dimly-lit room smoking a cigarette. That guy is nothing but trouble. Odds are he’s proficient in various forms of hand-to-hand combat and knows his way around a sniper rifle. Also, that guy never has a first name. He’s simply referred to as “Mr. So and so.”
Derek:
Finally, we have the love pursuit. In “Speed,” Officer Jack Traven, played by Keanu Reeves, meets the alluring Annie Porter, played by Sandra Bullock. Naturally, shit hits the fan and he climbs around the underside of a bus traveling at least 55 miles per hour while trying to defuse a massive bomb. Of course he is doing this because there is the chance he might score with Mrs. Porter post explosions and mayhem. In “Hard Target,” Chance Boudreaux, played by Van Damme, agrees to throw his life on the line to find some random girl’s homeless father. All of this for $100/week because he needs to get his boat pass back.
Joe:
Here’s one final observation. No action movie is complete without the previously unaware villain discovering the credentials of the man beating the crap out of his goons. Usually it goes something like this. Some nerdy crony runs up to his boss and stammers, “This guy is the greatest Navy SEAL who ever lived. He’s won every medal the Navy awards and in his spare time he bench presses city buses and fights bears.”
The best example of this ridiculous ego-inflating dialogue comes from “On Deadly Ground,” starring Steven Seagal. One of the hired thugs informs his leader of his research on Forrest Taft (Seagal): “My guy in D.C. tells me that we are not dealing with a student here, we’re dealing with the Professor. Any time the military has an operation that can’t fail, they call this guy in to train the troops, OK? He’s the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire! You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush, and tomorrow afternoon he’s going to show up at your pool side with a million dollar smile and fist full of pesos.”
Wow, there is no way that anyone but Seagal himself wrote that script. I’m amazed the term “well-endowed” wasn’t included.
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