Before we begin with this week’s tales of action and intrigue, let’s take a little trip down memory lane. This is a special trip back in time, way back to the beginning … the beginning of Last Action Heroes.

It was a hot and humid summer evening. There was nothing to do but sweat and watch television. It started the way all great things do in this modern age: over AOL Instant Messenger.

Joe (in Madison): Hey, “Delta Force 2” is on UPN.

Derek (in Eau Claire): I’m watching it right now.

And with that, the seeds of greatness were planted and a partnership was formed. To honor that fateful summer night, it is time for an extra-special action review. Today, we take a look at Chuck Norris and the exploits of the Delta Force.

Derek:

Almost six months ago, Joe and I brought forth on this campus a new column conceived in mastery, and dedicated to the proposition that all action heroes are not created equal. After breaking down Seagal, Gere, Van Damme and Xzibit into their primary parts, we decided to turn our attention to the Delta Force.

After photographing the Outback Bowl, I returned to the media hotel to review pictures and wait for my coworker Brandon Gullicksrud to complete his article. After an hour, I grew restless and then remembered I had “Delta Force 2” in my backpack. My action cohort was only a mile away and my laptop played DVDs. Instinctively, I called Joe and he was actionside in less than 10 minutes. Over the next two hours while Brandon wrote about Jim Leonhard and Scott Starks, Joe and I witnessed Chuck Norris annihilate dozens of foreigners and drug dealers.

The sensation left behind after watching “Delta Force 2” would make the hair rise on any Bulgarian woman’s upper lip. The kills, the beatdowns, the explosions and most importantly Chuck Norris left Joe and I in a state of disbelief. How could the family man’s action hero, Chuck Norris, consistently top Seagal, Van Damme and every other major action star in total kills and beatdowns? The man is simply unbelievable. The next mission for the Last Action Heroes became apparent: find the original “Delta Force” and analyze it, too.

The first stop in our search was Four Star Video Heaven. We figured an establishment boasting the possession of over 3,000 video titles would most certainly have one of the greatest action flicks of all-time. We were wrong. There was no specific action rack, but there was an action/adventure section. The only things I can think of when I hear the words “action/adventure” are Brendan Frasier and “The Mummy.” And much to our horror, neither of the “Delta Force” titles resided in the action/adventure section.

How could a store with the name “Four Star Video Heaven” not have the greatest Chuck Norris action flick of them all? Four Star Video Heaven? More like No Star Video Hell.

Our plight became apparent. We were forced into travel in hopes of finding the original “Delta Force.” If all else failed, the Last Action Heroes would have to call upon the services of NetFlix.

Joe:

We were discouraged, but undeterred. Jumping into the Actionmobile (that would be Derek’s Oldsmobile Intrigue, not my Ford Taurus), we set our course for Wal-Mart. We headed straight for the discount DVD bin and Derek proceeded to dive in, head first.

Despite our best efforts, which included Derek frightening old ladies and perhaps breaking his hand digging through the worst Hollywood has to offer, we were foiled once again, like Tom Joy trying to pass the height requirement to ride the bumper cars.

The battle may have been lost, but the war was far from over. Our very next stop was Hollywood Video. Rushing to the action section, we saw it … “Delta Force.” Not one, but two copies. The day belonged to the Last Action Heroes, and for the first time in the computer age, Hollywood Video made money off “Delta Force.”

“Delta Force” is a classic military action movie. The good guys in this one are an elite military group called, you guessed it, “Delta Force.” The unit is led by Chuck Norris and an elderly man. I kid not. The colonel has got to be at least 70. Needless to say, he does not kick a whole lot of ass. That, of course, is left up to Norris.

Chuck, portraying Scott McCoy (basically the same character he plays in every movie), takes on a band of Islamic terrorists known as the “New World Revolution.” I’m sorry, but these guys are the lamest terrorists I’ve ever seen in a movie. First of all, that is the worst name ever. Secondly, their leader looks like Rocky Rococo. Don’t worry. Chuck Norris kills him with his missile-launching motorcycle.

Anyhow, the “New World Revolution” hijacks an airplane headed for Israel and holds the passengers and crew hostage. All this does is ensure that all the terrorists get killed because who does the President send in? Not the Alpha Force. Sure as heck not the Beta Force. He calls in the Delta Force!

In the end, the Arab terrorists are defeated (read: slaughtered by Chuck Norris), the hostages are saved and everyone cheers America while the horrible “Delta Force” theme music plays for the 300th time. So, this movie is more or less an affirmation of U.S. foreign policy. I’m picturing Paul Wolfowtiz and his friends watching this at every one of his birthday parties.

This takes us to the sequel, creatively titled “Delta Force 2.” This time, Chuck Norris is beating the crap out of South Americans, not Middle Easterners. Evil drug lord Ramon Cota draws the ire of Chuck when he kidnaps some DEA agents and kills Norris’s partner. Oh, you fool, Ramon! Don’t you realize that Chuck’s just going to rally the Delta Force, skydive into Colombia and kick your ass?!

Derek:

Like it’s predecessor, “Delta Force 2” starts out in style. Within minutes we have our first kill, beatdown, and baby snatching. Not only did “Delta Force 2” earn the Golden Sombrero by accumulating at least one of all three major assaults, it did so in fewer than 10 minutes. Way to go, director Aaron Norris!

Seeing that Cota is a drug dealer and the movie was created in 1990, when the United States was deeply involved in the War on Drugs, the Delta Force is dispatched to capture Cota alive. The best way to do this, obviously, is to abduct him while flying over international waters, kick him off the airplane without a parachute and dive down and catch him before he goes splash. Then again this is the Delta Force and it is starring Chuck Norris.

Norris and his partner bring Cota to court, but he is let off virtually scot-free. Norris’ partner lashes out at Cota as he is leaving the courtroom. Cota takes offense and returns the favor by offing his wife and child. Norris’ partner turns to the bottle and then to pistol, whipping Norris, who was trying to stop him from traveling to Colombia to kill Cota. Unfortunately, Norris’ buddy finds himself gassed to death by Cota.

Cue Chuck Norris’ revenge. He dodges rocket-propelled grenades, breaks power lines with his bare hands and delivers one of the greatest non-Van Damme or Seagal one-liners. After finishing off a sketchy thug, Norris replies “school’s out.”

Finally, there is the showdown with Cota. Like the arch-villain in the original “Delta Force,” Norris makes quick work and delivers another classic line. “You’re nothing but a chicken shit weasel who thrives on the misery of others and when death calls you’ll be screaming like a baby.” Well, death called and Norris was his messenger.

Like the original, “Delta Force 2” is obviously an extension of the American propaganda machine. Check out the movie’s tagline: “He’s a gentle man, with a soft touch, a mean kick and his own special brand of diplomacy.” Hooray American hegemony.

Joe:

“The Delta Force” franchise (I’m not counting the craptacular third movie that did not star Norris) is a solid action series. Chuck Norris more or less wipes out the criminal population of two countries in classic hero fashion. However, despite the jaw-dropping number of fatalities, I still cannot put Mr. Norris on the same plateau as Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme. Thus, I award the solid rating of three Chuck Norrises to the series.

Derek:

I was thoroughly impressed by Norris and his ability to supplement his lack of words with an abundance of kills and beatdowns. To this date, nobody has come close to the number of kills that Norris accumulated in both movies. Thus, I bestow my highest praise upon the Delta Force series by awarding it four Jean-Claude Van Dammes.

While Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme easily kick ass and take names in a timely fashion, The Last Action Heroes cannot seem to get their column in before deadline. If they miss deadline one more time, they will be replaced by a 1500 word review of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back.” Express your concern. Contact them at [email protected].