It was my intention to open my first ever column with a depiction of a memorable scene similar to the one in “Saving Private Ryan” where the Allies storm the beach at Normandy. An opening that would be emblazoned upon the memories of the audience like the visage of the Virgin Mary on your English muffin or that stain that just won’t come off of your bottom sheet. After I had the opening gloriously written out, it was edited down due to violent content and profanity. All that remained was a short speech by Vin Diesel and a few words of Taco Bell product placement. So scratch that.
All that can be said is: I will try my best to keep this from being the typical who’s-banging-who gossip column (although I did hear a juicy rumor about Joey Fatone and the Hamburglar); this scribe is definitely striving to bring you the weird, the gross and the funny. And if I can’t find any of that grime, I’m sure as Sally not afraid to make it up. So when thinking of ways to be entertaining in this new format, one thought kept resonating in my tuned-to-Tinsel Town brain:
Is there a better way to usher in a brand slappy new Hollywood Gossip column than with a piece on celebrity homosexual relationships and artificial body enhancements? I can’t think of one.
When dealing with that first topic, it is most obvious to start with Ellen DeGeneres, so I’ll get to her third.
“Whom does he let into his square pants?” was the question asked recently when Spongebob was pronounced gay recently by multiple sources. A video made involving the cartoon character, Barney the dinosaur and Winnie the Pooh was spanked with a “gay warning” by Christian Conservative Groups. Creator Stephen Hillenburg was shocked at the news and claimed that Spongebob, to him, was “asexual”. Hillenburg was soon after arrested for angrily beating a reporter with his sequined handbag after the journalist accidentally called him “Steve” instead of ‘Stephen.”
Also being outed on the subject of secret homosexuality is President Abraham Lincoln. Researchers say they have discovered proof that the former Commander-in-Chief had an unhappy marriage and was living a double life. Incidents involving the Head of State included multiple intimate relationships with men and spending four years sharing a bed with male companion Joshua Speed. Can historians really know for sure if Lincoln really loved logs? And does it matter to anyone except the GOP?
Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres are de-voted! Reportedly, De Rossi gave Ellen a Tiffany wedding band as a symbol of commitment on Degeneres’ 47th birthday. Male fans of her FOX show “Arrested Development” may be disappointed to learn that Portia drives on the other side of the road. But, hey guys, considering the way that Ellen notoriously hits ’em back over to our team, all I have to say is get out your gloves. De Rossi has a tattoo on her ring finger from a previous relationship that she has removed now that she is with Ellen. In another story, after splitting with supermodel Rebecca Romijn, John Stamos is having his heel implants taken out.
The Rock also had some sculpting done. Pectoral liposuction was cookin’ on the surgical menu for the ex-wrestler who sometimes goes by the name Dwayne Johnson. He says the procedure was “an aesthetic thing” and resulted in the maximized muscular definition he desired. Another source reported that Johnson is developing a means of implanting smack down directly into his opponents via a surgeon to avoid the exhaustion of all that superfluous laying. No word yet on whether or not he’s planning to get any inflection injected into his dialogue.
Sinewy “Alias” star Jennifer Garner was said, by co-star and ex-boyfriend Michael Vartan, to have commented that her recently-released movie “Elektra” is “awful” and he should avoid seeing it. It’s nice to see an actress being so open about missing the mark with a project. Apparently, Ben Affleck — her current love interest — has let her study a few pages from his Spiraling Downward for Dummies manual and eat some of his Suck Cookies.
At this — the time for conclusion — some of you may be saying, “Hey Studhaus, why did you only mention big-time celebrities? What about us who want our dirt on Deathcab and our Australian didgeridoo indie-rocker headlines?” To you I say: Be patient and relax, it will all come in time. Now let’s all just take a second to hold our sweetie tight and think of that guy who bounces off the propeller in “Titanic.”
David Steinhaus is a senior majoring in English and Communication Arts. He respects ketchup, but thinks mustard needs to get over itself. David can be reached at [email protected].
