Ready for a creamy story? It goes something like this: A thoughtful boyfriend decided to throw his girlfriend a surprise birthday party. He invites all of her close friends and family over to her house and down to the basement awaiting her arrival. When the unsuspecting girlfriend comes home there is noise in the kitchen before she opens the basement door. She innocently calls to her German shepherd, “Come and get it, boy.” The lights are flicked on and everyone yells surprise, but the surprise is on the guests. They have caught her standing on the steps butt-naked with peanut butter spread all over her crotch with the dog scrambling to get to her.
It’s not all that surprising that some kinky girl would do this. It’d be wet, soft, and I’m sure you could get off to it. Although, if you didn’t mind that your dog eats its own puke.
Between the Rolling Rock and the basketball game, you may not even recognize a story is fiction. Urban sex legends are all around us. If you’ve ever overheard a group of people talking about sex, you’re bound to hear a few farfetched stories that capture everyone’s attention. Tales that being with “My brother’s, girlfriend’s, second cousin’s, former roommate” always draw our attention. They are told with such enthusiasm and excitement, but also a total lack of regard for reality. They are set in some place far away from you, yet tell of things that could happen just down the hall. An element of truth lingers in the air.
Case in point, there is a widely spread story of one very lucky frozen hot dog. The story goes that while masturbating to this pump ballpark frank, it breaks off inside the girl and gets mysteriously “lost.” She needs medical assistance to retrieve the now little smoky from inside her. The conviction expressed by the guy telling the story is so convincing to the listeners that the story keeps circulating.
Let’s examine this more closely. Just as with a dog eating out a girl, a frozen hot dog has the potential to feel good. What is unsettling is why a woman would put something as smelly as a hot dog in her vagina, but there have been stranger things. As far as it getting “lost” inside of the vaginal cavity, this is simply absurd. It is a naive person infusing their own ignorance into the story, not fully understanding a woman’s body. It could not get “lost” unless it was somehow squeezed though the cervix and into the uterus. Only then would medical help be required to remove the wiener. This is an easily debunked urban legend, due to its ridiculousness, but not all stories are so easily spotted.
Most of us know when to spot an urban sex legend; they tend to have over-exasperated, unintelligent main characters doing things to themselves that don’t make much sense. In the next stories, labels and a lack of brain cells are to blame for these misadventures.
Words can have two, even three, everyday meanings, such as the word “jelly.” Jelly is most commonly known to be sweet and fruity, but it can also describe a consistency. I over heard this story not long ago; it was told by a friend who swore it was true. A woman attempts to sue a pharmacy. She claims that a misguiding label led her to conceive a child. Every morning she would eat a piece of rye toast with plenty of “jelly” spread from crust to crust. What she was actually eating was a popular contraceptive jelly. Just as the story of a couple mistaking crazy glue for lube, it must be an uncreative mind that comes up with this story.
One story a little bit more creative comes from the land down under, Australia. A pleasant couple in their late 40s began to have problems in the bedroom. The wife suspects that her husband is seeing another woman on the side and hires a private investigator. The detective finds that the husband is seeing a dominatrix on the side and tells the wife of his misdeeds. Instead of confronting the husband she calls him into the bedroom early the next night and explains that their sex life is in need of a little spice. She tells him she wants to take the reigns and he gladly obliges. She feverously ties him to the bed face down. Then proceeds to lube him up and stick a large curling iron up his ass. She packs her belongings as the iron is heating up and leaves him there to contemplate his wrong doings.
If you are seeing a trend in these stories you are on to something. Most urban sex legends prey on the naive and easily persuaded. They amplify common misunderstandings about our bodies. What starts as kinky or abnormal to one person can easily becomes a tale of precaution or bigotry told by another. Stories like the cell phone ringing in an anus, or the more common story of the doomed gerbil, tend to be born of homophobia.
Make no mistake, these tales, or similar stories, undoubtedly have a grain of truth. Many urban sex legends come from an unofficial sex culture created between the playground and the water cooler. Pay closer attention to the next wild sex story you hear and ask yourself: could this all just be make believe?
