There are not too many issues on which the Last Action Heroes disagree. The Cubs suck, pizza is tasty and slipping shots of Tequila into Tom Joy’s “Real Thing” is hilarious. However, there is one ongoing difference that has yet to be reconciled in this column. That of course is the matter of Steven Seagal versus Jean-Claude Van Damme. Today, we revisit this ongoing dispute by examining a simple question: which of these two action kings is harder? To answer that question, we have selected “Hard to Kill,” starring Seagal and “Hard Target,” starring Van Damme, from the extensive Last Action Library.

Joe:

There can be no doubt that Seagal is harder than Van Damme. First and foremost, his character is way cooler. His name is Mason Storm — a pretty sweet name if you ask me. Storm is a pretty cool customer, too. After pummeling a group of thugs trying to rob a convenience store, Storm calmly walks to his car, cranks up the easy listening tunes and cruises home in his puffy shirt and spotted vest.

Just take one look at Van Damme in “Hard Target” and you’ll know he’s a chump. Dude looks like a Euro-trash version of Billy Ray Cyrus. How can an action hero be taken seriously while rocking a black trench coat, two gold hoop earrings and a mullet? Oh yeah, and Jean-Claude, when you’re playing someone from the New Orleans Bayou, you might want to try an actual Cajun accent.

Seagal also kicks some serious butt in “Hard to Kill.” The guy fights out of a coma, overcomes both crooked politicians and corrupt cops and emerges victorious in the end. Of the 21 kills in the movie, 14 belong to Mason Storm. That’s an impressive two-thirds ratio, better than Van Damme. Jean-Claude, as Chance Bordreaux, may record more total kills in “Hard Target,” but none of those came until the last 20 minutes or so of the film. Seagal, meanwhile, consistently kicked ass throughout “Hard to Kill.”

Derek:

Sure, JCVD sports a Mississippi mudslide while Billy Ray Cyrus and Journey trumpet the virtues of his immaculate body. From the very beginning when the camera teases the viewer with snippets of Van Damme’s body, the movie clearly sets out to portray Van Damme as not only a HARDened action hero, but a sex symbol.

As usual with most movies, Joe and I analyzed and tallied the number of beatdowns and kills. Seagal falls short in both categories to a more crisp, agile and badass Van Damme. In “Hard to Kill,” Seagal accounts for almost 70 percent of the kills in the movie. That’s what we would expect from a typical action movie. However, Seagal takes a major dive in the beatdowns category.

A beatdown is defined as an attack that renders a bad guy or animal incapacitated or knocks them off their feet. A villain can receive an official beatdown before being officially killed. Back to the topic at hand … Van Damme accounts for the nearly the same percentage of kills as Seagal. This is where the similarities end.

Van Damme tallies 10 more total kills than Seagal. When it comes to the beatdown category, Van Damme is unmatched, accounting for nearly 80 percent of the movie’s beatdowns. If someone was getting shot up or beat down in “Hard Target,” Van Damme was likely the one responsible.

In “Hard to Kill,” Seagal is left in a coma for seven years and makes his getaway on a gurney. Weak. If Seagal was so hard and so bad as Mr. Ziemer likes to think he is, then he would have survived two direct blasts from a shotgun without going into a coma. Action heroes on the level of Seagal and Van Damme should never be shown in a coma. There are entire hospitals filled with villains left in a vegetative state because of the handiwork of these two.

Seagal was about as athletic as Tom Joy was sober after the Last Action heroes slipped him a Mickey last Saturday in “Hard to Kill.” Van Damme dominated this realm. While Seagal may be able to do the splits or slide across a greased up floor and shoot up some bad guys, Van Damme’s signature moves leaves the viewer foaming at the mouth.

One scene finds Van Damme standing atop a motorcycle traveling at least 80 miles per hour and heading directly for an oncoming sports utility vehicle. With few bullets and a lot of balls, Van Damme whips out two shotguns and fires into the cabin of the oncoming vehicle just before they collide. The motorcycle then collides with the truck, launching JCVD over the truck where he lands comfortable on concrete and rolls to safety.

In the movie’s final minutes, JCVD has a “fight” with the top villain. I put fight in quotation marks because it was never really a match. The villain’s family starts collecting on their health insurance when JCVD flips through a blazing inferno and fires his shotgun into the chest of the bad guy … all before hitting the ground. Has Seagal ever completed a flip in any of his movies? I think not.

Joe:

Okay, enough about their abilities to beat the crap out of villains. Everyone knows Seagal kicks butt better than anyone. Let’s talk about Mason Storm’s success with the ladies. Storm hooks up with not one, but two females in this movie. This category isn’t even a contest. Even a comatose Storm has more game than Chance Bordreaux. The guy is in a seven-year coma, has shaggy hair and an unkempt beard and the nurses in the coma ward still can’t get enough of him. One of them is so infatuated that she talks dirty to the unconscious Storm before lifting up his gown to inspect the goods. She gets her wish later in the movie, let me tell you. Where’s your boy Chance at with that, D-Rock?

Last, but not least, I present Seagal’s dominance in one of the most important action categories: one-liners. In “Hard to Kill,” he delivers perhaps the greatest one-liner in the history of mankind. After realizing the vile Sen. Trent (whose catch-phrase is “and you can take that to the bank”) was behind his assassination attempt, Mason Storm utters, “I’ll take you to the bank, Sen. Trent … to the blood bank.” Game, set, match. Jean-Claude cannot compete with that. There is no doubt that it is Steven Seagal who is the more hardened action hero. Thus, I award the action masterpiece that is “Hard to Kill” a heady three and one-half Steven Seagals, the highest rating I have handed out to date.

Derek:

Let’s review what we have here. I’m not excusing Van Damme’s mullet. It was the early ’90s. JCVD matches Seagal in the kill count, but with 10 more kills. Seagal is no match for Van Damme in the beatdown category. Seagal is weak sauce in the athleticism category and is unable to stay conscious after receiving two direct blasts from a shotgun. So after seeing Seagal slip in and out of consciousness and Van Damme obliterating him in the kills, beatdowns and athleticism category, is the question of who’s harder really a question. I think not. Victory Van Damme!! I bestow the rating of three and one-half Jean-Claude Van Dammes to “Hard Target.”

The Last Action heroes want to hear from you!!! They can be reached at [email protected]. Your comments or questions could be featured in an upcoming column! If you would like to help Joe and Derek settle their Seagal vs. Van Damme debate, send them your vote or call Badger Herald Editor-in-Chief Cristina Daglas at (608)257-4712, ext. 140 and cast your vote over the phone!