Our lesson this week is moving to the big city 101 for December graduates.

Once you leave college, the next step is loneliness. Certainly, some of us out there take a different bike trail and do the whole marriage, kids, shopping-at-Wal-Mart-without-irony, getting-fat thing.

For the rest of us, those fools with parents that told us, “mija, you can do anything that you want,” and believed it, look forward to a future filled with Target appliances and lovers that come and go like Ikea furniture.

Just wish you could Scotch Guard your feelings like an off-white couch.

The way Maria was sobbing on Gato’s shoulder, seems like her last man had spilt grape juice and let his cat pee all over the créme fabric of her fragile soul. She was also getting eye makeup all over Gato’s winter whites. But good friends are more important than a nice wardrobe — most of the time.

Maria’s roommate Abel said Maria suffered from moveon-a-phobia. “She’s one of those people who stays in a college town after she graduates with no great career promises, meeting the same sorry types of guys,” Abel said.

Gato reminded Abel that he had also stuck around after finishing college. “But, I’m going to graduate school,” he said defensively.

Resigned to a life between lonely and lustful, why not make heartbreak happen in a metropolis big enough to avoid Love-of-Your-Life after they change their name to Ms. That-Crazy-Bitch or Mr. Stinking-Lying-Full-of-Himself.

Maria knew she needed a city like that right now.

After making Gato’s Banana Republic cashmere sweater seriously Goodwill worthy, Maria stopped crying and asked Gato to walk her to her Inherited Volvo. As we reached the sidewalk Gato was stunned to see the back filled with Maria’s every possession.

“You and Abel are right Gato. I’m moving out of Madison,” she said.

Gato figured she was heading to Chicago but when Maria said “no, the East Coast,” Gato went crazy like an actor on that Mexican TV comedy “El Chavo del Ocho.” Gato is more protective of his girlfriends than his source for fell-off-the-truck designer clothes.

The Rotten Apple seems to be the place to go after Midwestern break-ups. Hollywood makes the NYC seem like naked cuddle central. It’s easy to get some naked cuddle there if you’re English or European. For the rest of us, we’re as alienated as President Bush in from Paris.

Chicago used to be a great alternative and a good step into the New York job market. However, as rental prices increase against stagnating wages, scouting a Chicago move is best done from a sister’s couch.

Before Gato could talk Maria into that alternative, he found himself speeding on I-80, signs reading ‘Cleveland next exit’ all in his face.

Maria informed Gato that she had $2000 saved and said she was going to get more cash after selling her car. Gato warned her that it was bad luck for anyone to sell the Inherited Volvo, “It’s like denying la Virgen de Guadalupe.”

Native New Yorker’s can live in New York on entry-level jobs because they’re tapped into the word-of-mouth apartment market. Outsiders have to navigate Village Voice listings, craigslist.org or satanic apartment brokers. Gato thinks it’s more realistic to make a first move to a stepping-stone city.

In that spirit, He suggested to Maria, “What about Philadelphia? We could at least stay there, and you could check it out.” Gato does not want anyone living in The Inherited Volvo or Staten Island.

Philadelphia is representative of stepping-stone cities. San Diego is another one for those in a West Coast mindset. In terms of economic vitality, there is a real correlation between the social life of a city and job opportunities for college graduates; it’s called the Bohemian index developed by Carnegie Melon professor Richard Florida. Stepping-stone cities like Philadelphia rank high on this index.

The index measures the concentration of artists, foreign-born people and the gay population as indicators of growth in high-tech and knowledge-based industries. And you thought all Gato’s chatter about style and culture was liberal arts balderdash.

New York City ranks permanently high on the index because there is enough creative industry to support unconventional professions. Chicago is not as much of a research-based economy.

One of Gato’s past paramour’s worked for Mayor Daley’s wife, and the city had a meeting with Florida two years ago to discuss how rising costs were decreasing the city’s competitiveness with smaller markets.

Gato believes the rise of the Eurex, the European futures market, in Chicago will change that.

Compared to Chicago or NYC, finding roommates or your own apartment in a city like Philly is easy. A walkable mile from downtown, rent from $375 to $500 is as easy to find as a Philly cheesesteak.

To find Maria an apartment, we went to visit Gato’s good friend Mark B, owner of North 3rd in Northern Liberties, the hottest East Coast ‘hood outside of Brooklyn.

Neighborhoods with a high level of relocations, like Wrigleyville in Chicago, may seem harder to penetrate because there are fewer folks with roots. Gato calls it the Bottle Blonde Index, the more roots you see, the less roots people have in the area.

If you don’t have a job in your new city and are too proud to work at Borders, your first step will be an employment agency. Bar none, the best agency in Philadelphia is Boss Staffing (contact at 610.668.3456). Localized agencies like Boss have relationships with big players in the market; in Philly that means pharmaceuticals.

Walking into a placement with a degree, you won’t be thought of as a temp but a consultant. Many times, you’ll be filling the space of someone the company fired. Take on your assignment like a team regular, and you’ll often be hired on.

As a newcomer to a city, working ‘temp’ allows you to learn the job market; you’ll have weekly pay, overtime, and you won’t have to do the bitter kow-tow, serving sushi to stuck-up classmates with connections.

If you have no casual business wear, search for the secondhand shop where designer professional clothes are dumped. Even though Maria wasn’t sure she was going to stay in Philly, we visited Sophisticated Seconds (114–116 S. 18th St. 215.561.6740) then shopped secondhand stores in wealthy suburbs.

As a nearby resource in Chicago, the best locale is the Salvation Army Thrift near North and Pulaski. Gato got six pairs of wool Ralph Lauren slacks there, no pleats, for $15. Women will always find Ann Taylor and Banana Republic on the racks.

Finally, all men relegated to the nice-guy role have to find other men without ulterior motives to service their friend’s sobbing.

If Maria was going to be in Philly, she needed to adopt a new Nice Guy. Philadelphia’s LGBT area, the Gayborhood, is the most fit in the nation for Madison community relocators. It’s straight, friendly, over-flowing with handsomeness and Gayborhoodies know Wally Lamb’s “She’s come Undone” is a book and not a disco remix.

Philly is like Madison, a city filled with people who believe the unexamined life is not worth living. People are career-oriented but well-rounded, something people can be when homelessness isn’t one lost paycheck away.

Almost every community in Philadelphia has a young, active temple, mosque or church congregation. As an extension, almost every Philadelphian is involved in volunteer work. For anti-corporate types, Philly is a mecca for non-profit and arts work.

And finally, like FDR said to Daddy Warbucks in the musical Annie, “Republicans, too Oliver.” Upenn’s YR group is one of the most vital in the country, leans libertarian and extends a warm welcome to Republicans of Color.

Gato had to get back because it was finals week. At the Amtrak 30th St. Station, he gave Maria a big hug, a handful of condoms he never used anyway, and reminded her only to call if she got stilted during free weekend minutes.

Next Time: Finding jobs in the music biz. Also Gato will have a comprehensive list of moving resources for Chicago, New York and Philadelphia ready in January. E-mail [email protected]