When last we met, the topic of discussion was the seemingly bright future of the action genre. A spirited debate pitted the merits of Vin Diesel against those of The Rock. Since the printing and syndication of that illustrious debate, we have made a most horrific discovery that threatens to throw the entire action genre into a state of disarray. One of our beloved heroes has fallen victim to the evils of Hollywood and a Disney corporation. Vin Diesel will be starring in “The Pacifier.”
**Derek:**
STOP.
We’re talking about the little device that babies suck on when they don’t get enough food to eat or have to take a crap. Is this 1988 all over again? Let us examine the movie.
“The Pacifier” is about a disgraced Navy S.E.A.L. (V.D.) who fails to protect an important government scientist and in an effort to redeem himself, agrees to take care of the man’s children, only to find out that child care is his toughest mission yet.
Not only does this reek of 1988, it smells of “Kindergarten Cop.” Is V.D. trying to make himself into the next Schwarzenegger? Let’s examine the movie a little more.
The director is Adam Shankman. Yes, the Adam Shankman who had significant parts in the following films: “Stuck on You,” “Dudley Do-Right,” “Inspector Gadget,” “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,” “George of the Jungle,” “Casper,” “The Flintstones,” “Adams Family Values” and “Weekend at Bernie’s 2.” That list doesn’t include “The Wedding Planner” or “”Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” We’re talking about a crap film directed by a crap film director headlined by what is supposed to be the next action legend.
Since when did V.D. start taking on roles once reserved for Robin Williams? The choice is now clear, The Rock is presently the only hope for the action genre.
**Joe:**
I can remember when I discovered that Santa Claus did not really exist. It was a harsh reality check, like being woken in the middle of the night and simultaneously slapped in the face and punched in the groin.
After learning a fat, magical man who lived at the north pole and rode in a sled powered by flying reindeer did not, in fact, truly exist, I said to myself, ‘Why? Why would such a silly roués be played on a young child? Why must the gifts of love be accompanied by such lies?’
Now, we are confronted by a much greater case of deception. Why would Vin Diesel, a great and powerful action warrior, stray from the path of righteousness and into the land of Disney? Have enough evil-doers met their demise at the burly hands of Mr. Diesel that he has been forced to take up babysitting? If the answer is ‘yes,’ then perhaps the future of the action genre is in danger and we must place all our hopes in a former professional wrestler Canadian Football League washout.
This, apparently, is how kids felt when they found out Pete Rose bet on baseball.
**Derek:**
The year was 1988. Arnold Schwarzenegger had just completed a ruthless string of hardcore action flicks starting with “Conan the Barbarian” and ending with “Red Heat.” For five years, Arnold pumped out some of the most memorable action movies of all-time and finally a viable rival to the likes of Jean Claude Van Damme seemed apparent. Then all came crashing down with a tagline of “One of a kind … or is that … two?” The action movie genre was brought to its knees with the release of “Twins.” The sun set from that day on for Arnold and the action genre was left looking for the next heir apparent.
At the dawn of the new millennium, Arnold, Van Damme and Steven Seagal had all passed their prime and the action genre was left searching for its future. Enter Vin Diesel and The Rock.
The Rock was already an established professional wrestler when V.D. was lending his voice to children’s movies. In 2002, The Rock made his silver screen debut in “The Scorpion King.” His badditude was evident from the start as his stellar performance led to a “Scorpion King” sequel followed by “The Rundown” and “Walking Tall.”
In 2004, The Rock put away his intercontinental championship belt and decided to concentrate full-time on action movies. Next year, The Rock will be putting out no less than five action flicks. They include “Doom,” “Spy Hunter” and “Johnny Bravo.” A revolution is on the horizon.
Vin Diesel started out on shaky ground with a voiceover in “Iron Giant,” but immediately made his case to be the next action legend. Diesel’s ascent to the top of the action genre came at a “Fast and Furious” pace. Flicks such as “xXx,” “A Man Apart” and “The Chronicles of Riddick” made V.D. a bonafied contender. Then came “The Pacifier.”
**Joe:**
When first informed of the impending release of “The Pacifier,” I refused to believe it was true. Cleary, this was just Internet rumor-mongering. Vin would never appear in such a film.
Then Derek IM’d me the plot summary.
It had to be a lie. Mr. Montgomery was obviously smarting from the epic thrashing he had received in our Rock versus Diesel debate and had resorted to spreading dirty lies to get back at me.
Then Derek IM’d me a link containing more details and the undeniable evidence: a publicity photo of Vin wearing a baby harness, in a grocery store. It is true. Vin Diesel has succumbed to the family genre. He may have dabbled in it via a voiceover in “Iron Giant,” but he dove in the lame pool headfirst when he signed up for “The Pacifier.”
Finally, after summoning all my inner strength, I watched the trailer online. “The Pacifier” looks … cute. Is there a more heinous word in the action lexicon? What are you doing Vin? You should be beating eastern European villains senseless, not protecting and clowning around with children in suburbia. Besides, isn’t that infringing on Hulk Hogan’s territory? I’m pretty sure he has made at least five movies with a similar storyline. If you’ll excuse me, D-Rock, I must now partake in a long, long shower after watching that display of Richard Gere-ishness.
Before I rush to too much judgment on Vin, however, we should remember this is a man who has made great action movies. “xXx” still stands as a modern marvel in the action community, perhaps the best since “Under Siege.” The great Mr. Diesel must have good reason to embark on such a family-oriented journey, right? Right?
