Before putting pen to paper, we thought it might be a good time to open up the Last Action Heroes mailbag and see what our loyal readers had to say. This week, we received a most intriguing inquiry from Last Action Heroes fanatic Kathy Bell. Kathy writes, “Although your recent columns have been enjoyable and worthy of debate, why don’t you guys take on the dueling ‘kings’ of action heroes movies: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone? You have yet to critique these two pumped-up cartoon figures!”

Joe:

Thanks for dropping us a line, Kathy. The Last Action Heroes always love to hear from their fans. It is true, the Governator and Sly have yet to be acknowledged in these glorious pages of the Badger Herald. Let’s take some time to examine these two larger-than-life stars, shall we D-Rock?

Derek:

KBell’s e-mail brought up some interesting and important points about our column. Why haven’t we addressed the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone? The answer is simple: in order to be an action-hero visionary, you must stick to action movies and action movies only. The muscles from Brussels and pony-tailed assassin have done this. Arnold and Sly have not.

Yes, this column is named Last Action Heroes and, yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in “Last Action Hero.” Despite being directly labeled an “action hero,” Schwarzenegger’s film history fails to elevate him to legend status.

Since when have “Jingle All the Way,” “Around the World in 80 Days” and “Dr. Dolittle 2” been considered action movies? Never. Schwarzenegger has a long history of deviating from the action track. Take 1988’s “Twins” or 1990’s “Kindergarten Cop.” Once you star in a film whose tagline is “Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners,” then it’s “Jingle All the Way” to action oblivion.

We can still call Schwarzenegger a visionary. He has shown remarkable resolve and has stayed the course throughout his career. While deviating into more family-oriented flicks, Schwarzenegger has a long history of coming back hard and fast. Most of his ventures into the PG realm have been followed up with hardcore PG-13 and R-rated action flicks.

After “Kindergarten Cop,” Schwarzenegger returned with arguably one of the greatest sci-fi action films of all time in “Terminator 2.” His performance opposite Danny DeVito in “Twins” was followed up with the legendary “Total Recall.” Things looked bad for Schwarzenegger in 1996 after “Jingle All the Way.” There are few people who could recover from this movie’s tagline, but if anyone could, it’s the Austrian Oak.

Schwarzenegger battled back with 1999’s “End of Days” and followed with “Collateral Damage” and “Terminator 3” before retiring into a string of supporting roles and cameos. Schwarzenegger was preparing himself for battle, a battle that would find him pitted against a leader hated by his own people. That leader was California Governor Gray Davis.

Davis may have been the only politician in history to see his approval ratings fall with each speech he delivered. The man was in bed with energy companies and was facing an election with a man much bigger than he was. You would often see this type of matchup in a Van Damme or Seagal flick. Game. Set. Match. Arnold.

The primary reason Schwarzenegger may ultimately earn legendary action-hero status is that he was able to successfully transcend family-oriented movies and hardcore killer action flicks while controlling the fifth-largest economy in the world. His versatility and comeback ability are simply unmatched.

Once just a jacked-up Mr. Universe, the whole United States is welcoming Arnold to the wild, wild West. To a state that’s untouchable like Elliot Ness. A state where you’ll never find a dance floor empty. Arnold’s been in this action-hero game before Dre was makin’ rap tunes and before honeys was wearin’ Sassoon.

The verdict is still out on Schwarzenegger. If his first two years in office are any indicator, Arnold is well on his way to joining the likes of Van Damme and Seagal despite his deviations. Like Eminem, Arnold ain’t the first king of controversy, but he just might be when it comes to the action genre.

Joe:

There was a time when Sylvester Stallone was great. The muscle-bound Italian Stallion appeared well on the path to joining the likes of Seagal, Van Damme and Norris in the hallowed halls of the action kings. He was pumping out great flicks like it was his job … wait, that metaphor really does not work well here. Whatever. Stallone was Rambo, for crying out loud. Without “Rambo,” there may never have been an “Under Siege” or an “Under Siege 2.” The man’s also been in “Tango & Cash,” “Demolition Man” and many others. However, something happened to young Sly and he wavered from the ass-kicking path of the straight and narrow. Dude was in “Antz!”

Then comes the death nail in Stallone’s action career: “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.”

To be a true king of action, an “actor” must stick to the action path. Fight scenes, explosions and corny three-word titles — that’s what sets the great ones apart from the pretenders.

Any ounce of badass-ness, action credibility and above all, brains, clearly left Sly behind when, for whatever reason (please at least claim alien abduction or heavy drug use), he read the script (I assume there was one) of “Spy Kids 3-D” and chose to add it to his career resume. In this cinematic gem, Stallone plays “the Toymaker,” a super-villain who is so evil that his archrivals are children. Being the incredibly tough badass he is, the Toymaker designs some sort of virtual reality game and traps one of the children in it. Wow. C’mon, Stallone, have you really beaten up so many able-bodied adults that the only foes left for you to spar with are kids? And “Spy Kids,” at that?

Umm, Sylvester, I’d like you to meet your brother, Frank. He can elaborate on just what it feels like to suck. You see, Frank has twice guest-starred on “Walker, Texas Ranger” AS TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS and is currently making the rounds of lame sitcoms. Repent, Sly, repent! Otherwise you will join your brother by making cameos on “Yes Dear.” It is time for Stallone to be himself (that would be a meathead who inflicts physical harm on evil-doers) and return to the action genre.

Derek:

On the topic of overlooked action dignitaries, there is another action gem that deserves recognition. One that has deviated from the action course, but did so in a respectable and humorous manner.

Joe:

Sly has crossed paths with a truly under-appreciated action star: Wesley Snipes. Often overlooked in the butt-kicking genre of action is the martial arts ability of one Willie Mays Hayes, err, Snipes. Starring opposite Stallone in the Taco Bell-filled blockbuster “Demolition Man” (The Last Action Heroes do not condone selling out unless the price is right. Hint, hint, local businesses), Snipes portrayed criminal Simon Phoenix and coined the hit catch-phrase “exactamundo.” However, it was one year earlier he uttered perhaps the best non-Seagal one-liner in “Passenger 57.” Making a clever roulette pun, Snipes, as John Cutter, informs the airline terrorist he should “always bet on black.” That is how it’s done, action fans.