Today we tackle the question to end all questions: Who is the greatest action hero of them all? There can be only one king in the genre of action movies. In this election season, let us settle the greatest debate facing our country today. Who is superior? Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal?

Joe Ziemer and Derek Montgomery will now lay out their platforms for you and let you decide who reigns supreme in the discount DVD bin.

(((Ziemer)))

On the big screen, he’s been known as Casey Ryback, Forrest Taft and Mason Storm, among others, but around the world he is Steven Seagal, king of the action movie. There might be a lot of stars in the action universe, but Seagal shines the brightest. Just look at his impressive track record. This is the man who brought us “Under Siege,” the gold standard for action movies. He made us care about the environment in “On Deadly Ground” and “Fire Down Below” and be suspicious of the government in “Above the Law” and “Hard to Kill.” Not only is he making classic action movies, he’s raising awareness.

(((Derek)))

Roadhouse biker hooligan. Professional Boxer. Police Officer. Ex-con. Bio-weapons Agent. Fashion designer turned C.I.A. agent. Counter terrorist. Fireman. NHL Goalie. Streetfighter. Gay karate man. Military deserter. Time traveler. Cold Warrior. Universal soldier. Jean-Claude Van Damme.

The “Muscles from Brussels,” as they call him, is the epitome of action versatility. This man shows as much regard in real life for women (four divorces) as he does for the punks he waxes in such flicks as “Bloodsport,” “Sudden Death” and “Double Impact.” For 20 years this man has stuck to the action track and nothing else. You won’t find Van Damme preaching environmental awareness or whispering sweet nothings into the ears of villains. You’ll find Van Damme as an NHL goalie, blocking Tony Amonte slapshots and kicking the ass out of fellow action legends like Dolph Lundgren in “Universal Soldier.” It’s no coincidence that Van Damme made a cameo in “Last Action Hero.” It’s destiny.

Action heroes don’t come in all shapes and sizes. No single actor has stuck so closely to a single stereotype than Van Damme. Twenty years of action movies and not one deviation. While Seagal is putting out music CDs that might make Celine Dion cringe and selling out to Mountain Dew, Van Damme is managing his own action production company, 777 Films.

(((Ziemer)))

Simply put, Steven Seagal is the common man’s action star. The guy has no real physique to speak of, especially in his earlier works like “Out for Justice” and “Above the Law.” He doesn’t really look like an athlete, especially when he is chasing evildoers down the street in “Hard to Kill.” Yet Seagal takes care of business nonetheless. He’s just an ordinary guy with a ponytail and ridiculous wardrobe who happens to know a bit of martial arts and frequently finds himself in the midst of sticky situations that require him to beat the crap out of a small army of villains.

In between dispensing of his adversaries, Seagal delivers without a doubt the best one-liners in the business. I have already noted my fondness for “I’ll take you to the bank, Senator Trent…to the blood bank” in “Hard to Kill,” so I offer this gem from “On Deadly Ground:” “How do you change the essence of a man?” The intense whisper delivery of the alleged bounty hunter and CIA operative takes the cake when it comes to one-liners.

Now it is time to move this examination on to the fighting department. In doing so, we will answer the question posed to us by loyal Last Action Heroes reader and UW alum Paul Krause: “Which is better: Seagal’s style of relying on his hands to defeat his victims or Van Damme’s lethal kicks?”

Thanks for your question, Paul, and keep them coming, action fans. Hands down (no pun intended), Seagal is the superior fighter. I have seen the man karate chop clean through a pool cue and straight to a forehead, knocking out cold the fool who dared challenge him.

Those kicks might be fine and dandy in an encounter with a cyborg or some undead and unthawed soldier, but if I’m in a rhubarb at a watering hole, I’m certainly not going to be busting out the Street Fighter moves — which is not to say Seagal has a limited offensive repertoire. No fight scene featuring the pony-tailed warrior is complete without one of his trademark wrist locks and/or throws. The man can kick, too…kick ass that is!

Another thing you have to respect about Seagal is his willingness to fight dirty. When he’s in a tight spot, he has absolutely no qualms about hitting somebody in the groin. He does everything he can to get the job done, rocking the crotch included. These aren’t girl scouts Seagal is trading fisticuffs with. They are some bad dudes. Mess with Seagal’s wife, children or friends and you deserve a shot to the privates.

Also, no one — and I mean no one — handles a pump-action shotgun like Seagal. He’s not just a hand-to-hand combatant. He will shoot you.

(((Derek)))

Mr. Ziemer would like you to believe that Steven Seagal has the best one-liners in the business. Only The Daily Cardinal would attempt to pull something like that over your head. Above, Mr. Ziemer explained why Seagal will never be the epitome of action stardom. “The guy has no real physique to speak of, especially in his earlier works…” An action star should have an eight pack, a minimal neck and a chiseled body. An action star is not “just an ordinary guy…” An action star is a star.

When it comes to one-liners, both are respectable. Seagal would rather follow up the one liner with a kick to the crotch or a move that would knock out the villain for some period of time. Van Damme makes sure that those words are the last words the villain ever hears. If Jean-Claude is going to bust a move on some punk-ass, then he does so in a fashion where he won’t have to worry about the other guy wreaking vengeance. Seagal may know how to cut a swathe through a small army of villains, but Van Damme keeps an entire staff of forensic scientists in constant business identifying the DNA fragments he leaves in his wake.

When it comes to one-liners, this guy talks sweeter than Smoove B. In “Sudden Death,” he remarks: “Don’t f-ck with me. I’m about to have a very bad day.” Let me remind you, he doesn’t convey this message with a soft-spoken whisper. Whispering is what you do when you’re six years old and you and a friend are stealing cracker jacks from the old man at the Kwik Trip on Main Street. Van Damme doesn’t deliver whispers. He delivers closing statements.

(((Ziemer)))

I’ll be the first to admit, defeating Dolph Lundgren in “Universal Soldier” is an impressive addition to Jean-Claude’s resume. But Seagal is more than just a fighter. He’s an action tactician. Not only has he matched wits with Michael Caine (who was quite dastardly as a singing and dancing Scrooge in “The Muppet Christmas Carol”) and Kris Kristofferson, but he’s outfoxed Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey. Seagal has street cred, too — he’s co-starred with both DMX and Ja Rule. Holla back, JCVD, where you at?

(((Derek)))

No amount of video editing will ever convince a true action aficionado that Seagal has better fighting moves than Van Damme. Van Damme’s stunts are so intense that he films them outside the United States for fear of being sued. Seagal likely needs to take a Mountain Dew break after every third fight scene. We’re talking about a former European Karate Champion. In 1979 he participated in the world championships but lost. A few months later, Van Damme returned with a vengeance, annihilating the opponent he lost to in the world championship in less than two minutes. This wasn’t a film. This was real life.

When you’re an action hero, you have nothing to lose. Why not leave the job to homicide instead of letting your opponent live another day. Crotch shots or not, action heroes have free reign on the kill button. Punches are known to knock people out, but how many punches have you seen that break people’s necks? One shot to the head with Van Damme’s foot and the villain most definitely won’t be gellin’. And when it comes to handling firearms, Mr. Ziemer needs to look no further than some of the publicity shots for “Universal Soldier.”

(((Ziemer)))

Lastly, I would be remiss to exclude Seagal’s off-screen persona. Not only is he an actor, but an activist and a musician. His latest CD, “Songs from the Crystal Cave,” is tearing apart the French music charts in true Hasselhoffian fashion. He’s a true action renaissance man.

“I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day,” Seagal once said, “rather than a sex symbol.”

Amen, Steven. Amen.

I rest my case, Mr. Montgomery.

(((Derek)))

Finally, Mr. Ziemer would like you to believe that Steven Seagal is a versatile human being. If versatile means putting on 100 pounds and becoming a singer and human rights activist, then by all means, Seagal is exactly that. Van Damme’s versatility, on the other hand, is as impressive and as long as his filmology.

The man learned English by watching “The Flintstones.” He takes the initiative in all he does. He studied classical ballet for five years and is fluent in English, French, German and Spanish. He’s an entrepreneur, having opened his own gym and fitness center while simultaneously founding and managing his own film company. Throughout all this, Van Damme was constantly filming and redefining the action genre.

When it comes down to it, there is only one choice. Jean-Claude, you ask? Van Damme right.

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