Social associates often ask Gato if he is on the left or leans towards the right. He replies that given the choice between holier-than-thou on the left and holy rollers on the right, Gato chooses the politics of the sample sale. The sample sale represents a world where, there is income and power disparity, but even a service industry worker can buy a Marc Jacobs or Narcisico Rodriguez piece for $25.

Gato believes that in times like these, in a culturally and politically divided America, only fashion can bring us together. Like Seven Jeans doing wonders for a flat ass, fashion lifts the spirits and gives all who understand how to use it a sense of equality.

In that spirit, Chelsea boys and Cheyenne, Wyoming ranch hands have united in bringing the most American of footwear, the cowboy boot, back on the fashion A-list for fall. Caroline S., graffiti artist and global AIDS activist, buzzed me from New York this weekend to shout that “everyone and their mother” was wearing cowboy boots.

Gato saw the stampede coming with a GQ spread last spring, their cameo appearances on Bravo’s Queer Eye, not to mention that every shoe store in the Village was stocked with beauties that screamed, “USA! USA!” in a thick Italian or Brazilian accent. You’ll be hard-pressed not to find me with Saddam-kickers on this fall — ostrich, python, eel or manta ray.

Gato gets his shock and awe at Alcala’s Western Wear in Chicago. Alcala’s has been outfitting both celebrities like Marc Anthony and everyday Mexican machos for 32 years. What might cost $500 in an all white store playing electronica can be found for $200 or less.

Cowboy boots aren’t for everyone — or for every place. In the wisdom of JayZ — change clothes and go — you have to know the place for Tims and the place for Prada. Being caught in the public eye of the bar scene wearing the wrong outfit for the place is the equivalent of being locked out of your car in 40 below weather wearing a micromini. Also, you’re a man in the parking lot of a redneck bar.

Because we’re talking bars, these consejos, bits of advice, are directed to all mariposas over 21. Torros y tigres, we’ll deal with you in the future. Gato could give a phonebook worth of tips, but he only has 1000 words.

Department stores have rolled out the ponchos like pumpkins at Halloween. Wear one Cinderella, and that’s what you’ll be. Overplayed like a Britney Spears song.

Nobody got sick of Outkast and nobody is sick of cashmere. Tight Juicy argyles for Stillwaters, Anthropologie’s vintage looking sweater skirt for Café Montmare.

One thing that hipsters, hoochies and the trust-funders will have in common this fall is an accessory. Big baubley brooches and fur collars are must-haves adornment from the Slipper Club to Blue Velvet. The return of fur is like Audrey Hepburn coming back to life to star in a feature with Gato. Fury NYC has some of the most luxurious pieces, especially the “Brooke” scarf.

If you need to be a little more Natalie Portman, Keim furs produces fun pieces, all real, for under $60.

Now for makeup. As Mies VanDerRoe and Mary Kate Olsen always say, “Less is More.” Lose the foundation, eye shadow, and blush keep the lipstick and mascara. If you have to powder, try Senna Glisten.

As colors paint the leaves of the Poconos and Door County, Gato will have more for you.

Throwing the Pre-Barring Cocktail party

When the economy shrinks, the press buzzes that Americans are cocooning. With the stock market hovering in the low 10,000’s for about four years now, the crafty classy have to find new avenues for extravagance. Hence, the revival of the cocktail party. Not only is starting the libations before you hit the bar scene economical, it ups the ante for the night and provides leaders of tomorrow important social training. After all, Gato’s first time in the United Nations was for a cocktail party. Yours won’t need security clearance three weeks prior.

Because you are the host, you also have to play bartender. Cocktail parties should not be Wal-Mart, they should be boutique; limit your concoctions to a small range of liquors.

Cocktails are gendered, especially for men. Sweet drinks are for dames and dusky drinks are for dons. A kier royale cannot become a drink for toros y gallos. Since it’s Indian summer, Gato will introduce drinks made from sweet mixers that don’t take the play out of the playboy. Our base liquors will be vodka and an Irish whiskey. Gato suggests Bushmills because it’s flavor is sweeter rather than smokier.

To mix the drinks properly, you’ll need a shot glass to measure and if you can’t find a mixer, use two cups, one that fits into the other.

The first drink is a marriage between the Midori slice and the melon sour. Gato calls it a Santo Domingo Seduction.

Crushed ice

1/2 Glass Lemonade (Minute Maid or Paul Newman’s)

1 shot (measure) of Vodka

1 shot of Midori

1 shot of Cointreau

Pour the lemonade over the ice; add Midori, Cointreau and Vodka. Shake it like your butt during a fast merengue; pour and enjoy.

Cosmopolitans are so ‘TBS clean reruns of “Sex in the City,”‘ so I-think-the-Lower-East-Side-is-cool. Melon Martini’s are the “over-it” drink.

Ice

Prepare the glass first by chilling it and kissing it with a bit of vermouth and swirling it in with the ice. Pour vodka and Midori over the ice in the shaker. Shake it like a skinny girl riding the Cyclone at Coney Island. Throw out the ice from the glass and pour. Garnish it with Kiwi.

So you have the Jenna Bush drinks covered; now you have to serve the James Carvilles and the W’s. Offer a mint julep. You’ll need:

Mint sprigs

Put mint, powdered sugar, and water into glass with ice. Stir gently until sugar and mint is diffused throughout. Top with mint sprigs.

In addition to cocktails, have a few bottles of wine on hand. The Wall of 100 at Bariques Wine Cellar on Monroe, just past the stadium, features 100 wines under $10, most ranking at 85 or above in the Wine Spectator. In a white, Gato’s palate recommends Hope, a Portugese-style Vedelho vintered in Austrailia that is filled with snappy kiwi and apple. In a red, the Altas Cumbres Malbec, a mix between a heavy discussion about Spanish literature under Franco and reciting Pablo Neruda.

Where to find it:

Alcala’s Western Wear http://www.alcalas.com/

Keim Fur’s http://www.keimfurs.com/

Barrique’s Wine Cellar 1831 Monroe St. 608.284.9463

Next Week: Gato helps you roll out Brazilian Churasco (BBQ) for the next football game