I’d like to begin the first installment of “Nothing Buttsex” this semester by welcoming back any regular readers and greeting all the “Nothing Buttsex” virgins out there.

Moving on, we all remember that episode of “Friends” where Monica passionately screams “seven,” while explaining to Chandler the seven erogenous zones. Chandler knew nothing of more than a few of these zones, and whenever I see this episode, at least one person in the room seems as clueless as Chandler. So what better forum is there to clear that up than this one?

If you didn’t watch “Friends,” here’s a quick synopsis. In the episode, Monica draws a little diagram of a woman complete with labels for seven erogenous zones. She then explains to Chandler how to go about using this knowledge. “A one, two, a three, six,” Monica begins, and gradually she becomes more and more turned on, calling out numbers, imagining it actually happening, and eventually the performance culminates with her repeatedly yelling out, “Seven!” Then quickly her voice fades before she says it one last time and lies down on the couch in ecstasy.

What then are those seven erogenous zones? Surely, you can pick up on which particular zone seven itself is, but that leaves six other zones. And, boobs and nipples all only count as one. Now would be a good time to point out that these general zones apply to both male and female bodies, but clearly, the equipment in a few zones is quite different.

The nape of the neck is a fairly obvious spot for kissing, sucking or light biting. I say light biting because hickies are kind of pointless and just unnecessary. Nobody wants to worry about wearing a turtleneck at this time of year. Then again, the whole “collar up” thing is in right now, so maybe this is a perfect time for covering up those hickies. Popping the collar is only fashionable about once every ten years though, so capitalize now while you can. In any case, this zone is fantastic when used in moderation and as long as you refrain from biting so hard that it leaves a mark.

The next zone is this column’s namesake, the butt. Butt play should not be reserved only for gay men. It works for everyone. Still, some guys and girls might be a little apprehensive about it. Maybe guys think it will make them gay or something. Maybe it just doesn’t work for some people. I don’t know. Either way, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

To keep from becoming vulgar, I’m going to switch now to a different end of the body and say a few things about the ears. Ears make for an excellent place to move to from the neck, and you’ll likely send shivers up and down your partner’s spine. Just be sure to stick a Q-tip in there from time to time in case you’re ever on the receiving end.

The lips are perhaps the most important of the erogenous zones. By the way, if you thought of lips other than the ones on a face just now, you probably have a dirty mind. Anyway, the lips are an important erogenous zone because sex is fairly meaningless without kissing, and the way someone kisses can be a very important compatibility test. People don’t usually date incompatible kissers for long.

The inner thighs often remain overlooked as an erogenous zone, probably because of all the other interesting things around there. Regardless, it is a great place to visit if you’re in the area. It really drives some guys wild. With that, we have covered seven zones: lips, neck, nipples, genitalia, ears, butt, and inner thighs.

According to askmen.com, however, our list falls a bit short of complete. The site apparently did some sort of survey and listed the top 10 responses for female erogenous zones. It also goes a little more into the instructional side than I did. The three zones this site lists that I didn’t cover here are the back of the knees, the feet, and the wrists. Should you visit the site, I have one caveat for you. It lists the male erogenous zones as the wang, the balls and the butthole, and apparently everything else must be numb. I assure you that this is not the case.

For the record, I’m not a sexpert or whatever you would call it. Still, I do have formidable knowledge of the subject, and I simply try to write entertaining and informative columns.

If you would like me to write on any particular topic or if you have any questions, you can e-mail me at [email protected].