I would be remiss if I didn’t start my first entertainment column of the year by acknowledging what was undoubtedly the biggest worldwide television event of the summer: the World Cup.

I’ll pause here for your groan. Done? Don’t worry; this is in no way an attempt to validate that other sport that Americans will never, ever be able to fully embrace. I just need to vent.

It is estimated that about 1.5 billion people tuned in to the World Cup final on June 30. A tiny percentage of those 1.5 billion were Americans, and of that tiny percentage, half were most likely fickle girls who turned it off after discovering Landon Donovan wasn’t playing.

I’m guessing (and hoping) most of the other half were people like me — guys that have owned more imported leather boots than P. Diddy, have had their fair share of orange slices and/or juice boxes and still think their USA Cup ’95 shirts are fashionable barwear.

We are America’s soccer fans, and we demand a little mainstream recognition. Moreover, between our burgeoning Spanish-speaking population and a generation of young people quite literally raised by soccer moms, we’re getting to be too large a group to ignore. So why do the American sports media always seem to be giving us the cold shoulder?

It’s been the same old story since the 1990 World Cup. U.S. soccer captures Americans’ attention for a month, the media hypothesize and prophesize the ways in which we can bolster soccer’s popularity here, then everyone’s interest wanes upon the arrival of football preseason and baseball playoffs.

The reason this happens is that football, basketball, and baseball are not only American sports, but American industries — something American soccer has yet to become.

Soccer, of course, is not an American sport, and therein lies the problem. MLS (which has been mired in financial stagnancy since its inception) lacks the flat-out money, major corporate backing and media coverage enjoyed by the big three.

Advertisers, publicists and league executives seem baffled as to how tap soccer fans’ would-be spending potential, but continually overlook the basic formula that made other foreign sports (hockey, for example) domestic sports institutions — Americanize it. Here’s how:

Personality problems: Admittedly, trying to find colorful characters on this summer’s U.S. World Cup roster was probably like trying to find clean criminal records at the FSU athletic department. That’s still no excuse. The body type of a soccer player (average height, lean and sun-weathered) is quite photogenic, so even if they didn’t make the most enthralling of talk-show guests, there’s no reason Brian McBride and Landon Donovan shouldn’t have been modeling everything from Adidas to Armani and presenting at music awards shows.

MLS could also do with some personality off the field. It needs a Mark Cuban or Deion Sanders to start a soccer riot, get caught with a transvestite or start a soccer riot with a transvestite.

Know your fanbase: Soccer is an insanely popular sport among that coveted 18-to 25-year-old demographic, so why not act your age? Get James Van Der Beek and Katie Holmes to do some of those laying-around-couches-and-fake-flirting promos they do on the WB for the MLS. Have B2K sing the national anthem at the next Chicago Fire game. Send Carson Daly to a remote Micronesian island for the next 40 years to find the next big soccer star.

TV tips: Sports highlights shows and networks have just as large a role in shaping the popularity of the game as publicists and league executives do. ABC and ESPN (who, the last time I checked, are owned by some parent company that may or may not specialize in entertainment for young people) would do well to spice up their coverage.

Wouldn’t screams of “Gooooooaaaaallllll!” be more entertaining than Ty Keough’s trite analyses? Wouldn’t a Champions League game between Real Madrid and Liverpool would make for better primetime programming on ESPN2 than the umpteenth rerun of “RPM2Night?” Couldn’t Stuart Scott and Alex van Pelt even pretend to get as excited about a blistering strike from Clint Mathis as they do a layup from Lisa Leslie?

International spices: Should all attempts at making the game our own fail, we may have to (gulp) import the Europeans. Not their players, but their sensibilities. Sure it will take focus away from the American aspects of the game, but a little titillation never hurt anyone.
You want scandal? Every weekend some footballers are sure to get into a row at a pub or club. Power couples? David and Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham grace the cover of British tabloids on a daily basis. Exorbitant salaries? European players swap clubs for transfer fees that make A-Rod’s payout look like that of a grocery clerk.
Give Americans a reason to watch American soccer, and they’ll eat this stuff up.