It’s another cold, fall night in Madison, and you’re all alone in your nice, big bed. As the soft warmth of the blanket curls around your legs, you lie back and enjoy the gyrating hips and jiggling thighs of the latest MTV video of the week. With all that tender flesh bouncing before your eyes, your mind naturally begins to drift to things of a more amorous nature. Or maybe MTV video vixens are not your style? Then perhaps you are entranced by the half-naked hedonists on E!’s “Wild On.” Whatever your late-night viewing pleasure might be, the fact is you are all alone, in your bed, in the dark.
“Now wait,” some might be saying, “where is this chick going with this? I mean, if you’re all by yourself, and no one else is there to do anything with, what’s the point, right?”
Wrong. There is a point, a very firm one at that. You see, my little lovebirds, there is someone waiting for you. All you have to do is pick up the phone.
Now I know some people might not be comfortable with the idea of solitary sexual exploration, so we will ease you into this. I’m not asking you to just jump in the sack with yourself and go to town; let’s just call up your significant other and see what happens …
The transition from regular phone call to hot, passionate phone sex is a relatively simple process. All you have to do is lower your voice a few octaves until you’re in the real husky “I want you so bad right now” range and begin to ask your partner something simple, like “What are you wearing, you naughty thing, you?” For those of you with a little more discretion, you can also try asking them what they are doing, but use your best come-hither voice to imply you know what they should be doing. If they don’t pick up the hint that you are fired up and ready for action after a few minutes of this lusty, albeit lame, hint-dropping, you should probably hang up the phone, because you are dating a moron.
On the other hand, if they do pick up on that naughty tone in your voice, it’s time to let the fun begin. Once your partner realizes that you are both all alone in your beds talking to each other in voices ordinarily used by call girls, the idea of taking things further may not seem so intimidating. So lock your door, close your eyes and start getting freaky.
If you have someone you care about, and they treat you with love and respect, the world of cellular collation can be a beautiful thing. Besides, there’s no way anyone’s going to get pregnant or get an STD over the phone, so it really is one of the safer alternatives out there.
Phone sex is not something that can be done just anywhere or anytime, though. This will involve privacy and a secure phone connection. Imagine getting all hot and heavy with your lover … feeling the tension building and building … and all of a sudden your phone cuts out. Talk about a letdown. Besides the fact that often, you may not realize your phone has died until you’ve been moaning and groaning into what is essentially a hunk of plastic for about three minutes now. This can be prevented by using a regular phone instead of a cell phone, which should help to cut down on the chances of losing contact with your partner right at the crucial moment. Imagine being on the other line, listening to the one you care about breathing heavier and heavier into the phone, randomly murmuring your name until they just can’t control it anymore … and then nothing. You did all that work and used your sexiest voice just so they could cross the finish line without you. Sad.
Sometimes even the use of a land line cannot protect you from the mojo-depleting interruption of the call-waiting, though. You have finally opened up to your partner, you’re both feeling relaxed and toying with the idea of slipping out of those itchy undergarments, when your little sister beeps in to tell you “night night.” Not only is it bad enough that you can only hear every other moan your lover emits due to the nagging beep of the other line, but now you are confronted with the decision to answer the call or not. What if it is an emergency? What if something has happened? For most people, the possibility of possible disaster is bound to win out over even the steamiest of phone calls, and now you are dealing with the embarrassment of telling your partner to hold on (literally) while you grab the other line. This situation is pretty much impossible to avoid, but hopefully with a laugh and a quick return, you can have your partner back in the sack in no time.
Although I am sure many of you still think that nothing compares to the wonder of sex with someone right there on top of you, hopefully you will open your mind to the idea of phone sex for certain situations. With absolutely no risk, other than the possibility of your roommate picking up the phone to order Gumby’s mid-scream, and no side effects, phone sex is a safe alternative for lovers everywhere, whether you’re five miles apart or 5,000.
