Football is big in Ohio. Beating Michigan, that’s nearly a cause for a religious celebration. So who could blame Buckeye fans for setting some ritualistic blazes to appease the gridiron gods after they aided OSU to a victory over Michigan for only the fourth time in 15 games?

The ungrateful Ohio State administration, that’s who.

As triumphant Bucks fans paraded around Columbus, dousing themselves and the town in alcoholic jubilance, some fires happened to spring up, some cars happened to get blown over by the gusting winds of victory and some plate-glass windows spontaneously lost their structural integrity.

Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, countless videotapes of the melee have emerged. And now, tapes in hand, Ohio State officials are threatening to expel students convicted for their post-game tomfoolery. Expel. Police are using the highly advanced technique of looking at news- and amateur-video footage to see if they notice anyone they recognize. And then they nab ’em.

What OSU officials don’t realize is that they should be as ecstatic about the riot as the fans were about the win over Michigan. The Bucks fans displayed tremendous spirit, teamwork and perseverance in accomplishing their mass destruction and should be commended for it.

Let’s start with the fires. Reports say that over 100 street fires were set, and we’ll award one point for each that didn’t burn out in under 10 minutes. That’s about 100 points, which is more than the Buckeyes scored in their last five games combined. Score one for the fans.

Now the cars. Those things are tough to flip over. Trust me. Maybe if the Buckeye O-line was doing the overturning, I would be a little less impressed. But those ruffians are used to flipping burgers, not Yukons. Hands got cut, fingers crushed; there was probably even a broken foot or two. Just nails.

Now for the really impressive part: Police reported finding a single-file row of nine cars, lined up in order of smallest to largest, just like in those middle school photos, all set gloriously ablaze. That’s teamwork.

Flipping cars is tough, but keeping them in line and lighting them on fire right at that synchronized moment to keep everything looking aesthetically pleasing, that’s damn near impossible. Maybe the chancellor’s Benzo was somewhere toward the middle of that line, wishing it were taller, and that’s the cause for the backlash.

Award five points for sheer toughness and at least another five for impeccable teamwork. They should set up some event like this in one of those outdoor “trust” courses that develop cooperation and functioning as a team.

Let’s keep going. Police were nice enough to unleash gallons of tear gas and make use of guns loaded with wooden pellets affectionately known as “knee-knockers.” The tear gas was, of course, a terrible idea, as rioters simply ran away from it and firefighters and police officers were forced to delve into it to extinguish the ever-spreading flames. Subtract three points from the cops.

And the “knee-knockers”? Man, whatever happened to the venerable rubber bullets, those wonderful low-lead substitutes? Splinters hurt, no matter where you get one, but the knees? Ouch.

Rioters forged on, though, lighting more fires and flipping more cars, caring not if their knees had been knocked. Maybe the crazies had donned their football pants, complete with kneepads, because the splinter-filled pellets didn’t send the rioters home crying but rather to the next block over, where they began the insanity anew.

The rioters keep piling up points for their toughness and tenacity, and the trend hasn’t changed. Add four tally marks to the ruffian column for out-splintering the “knee-knockers” and keeping the party going; subtract one point from the cops for abandoning the trusty rubber projectiles in favor of their tree-born counterparts.

The roving hooligans managed to find their way into the basement of a local apartment south of the football stadium, where they set ablaze a pile of clothes. Estimated cost of damage: $4,000. Score the rioters two points for something that should have been done a long time ago: finally disposing of the most unnecessarily expensive, Gucci-laden wardrobe in the long history of spoiled, overspending college students.

That brings the final score to 116 to -4, with the rioters securely in the lead. With the negative score, the cops don’t even get to participate in Final Jeopardy. The rioters stumble home at 6 a.m., legs full of splinters but none worse for the wear and content in their rousing victory.

On the football field, of course.