If you’re like me, October 31 has crept up on you faster than a movie theater usher when you’ve brought your own snacks and have your feet on the seats. Once again the big day is here, and I’ve got no costume. It is a problem that I have every year, and it leads me to Goodwill to purchase some checkered pants to sport with whatever wig I can dig up on the sales rack. Not exactly the most impressive of costumes.
It’s just that being a sports junkie/editor just doesn’t correlate with being the sort of person that begins thinking up a great, original costume two months in advance. Rather, Halloween is often better celebrated by those more in tune with popular culture.
I marvel at the people who will appear at the party dressed as Hansel from Zoolander, wearing a suede tassled jacket and riding a razor scooter. Now that’s just trendy and cool and everything that my Halloween costume has always struggled to be. No, I’ve never been cutting-edge.
Perhaps I’ve always approached this thing in the wrong manner. While I don’t know much about popular culture, I do know a lot about sports and the people that make up the sports world — and there are a few colorful individuals out there. So for all you costume-less column readers, here are a few last-minute costume ideas for you . . . and me.
“The John Madden”
While most people just want to slap John Madden silly while he commentates for ABC every Monday night, the man does have one of the highest Q-ratings ever. Let’s not forget that recognizability equals fun.
For this costume you could go to the store and pick up a pricey Madden mask, or you could download a picture of him, blow it up to life-size and print it. Punch out some eyeholes and you have a homemade Madden head.
Now you must find a cheap suit. Remember it should be well oversized because you will need to pack it full of pillows to get the desired Madden look. The final and key element is the yellow pen. Use the yellow pen to circle things throughout the night. Don’t forget that, as is the case with the real John Madden, there is no such thing as rambling too much or circling too many things with your yellow pen.
“The Rocky”
This is certainly one of the old sporting costume standbys, but it just doesn’t get old. All you need to pull off this look is a short pair of red boxing shorts, some red boots, a chiseled sweaty torso, a speech impediment and a big left hook. Endless fun can be had with the costume by yelling traditional catch phrases like “Yo, Adrian.”
Timeless fun. In order to take it to another level, go ahead and have your buddies dress as the entire cast of colorful characters, including fighters like the Russian, Clubber Lang and Apollo Creed.
“U.S. Postal Service Lance Armstrong”
The idea may sound boring at first, but if Lance is portrayed correctly this one could be great. The drawback is that you might need a few items that are hard to fake and still be recognized. You will need a U.S. Postal jersey, shorts, a bike, a water bottle and, of course, a helmet for your safety.
While this may seem ordinary, just think how great it will be to ride your bike down State Street with the crowd parting as though you were completing the final stage of the Tour de France. Increased fun will be had by having one of your confederates run ahead and hand you a water bottle every so often.
The kicker is that, in true Madison fashion, the water bottle is in fact a vodka bottle, and before long you will be a drunk Lance Armstrong.
“The Rainbow Warrior”
Oh wait, this costume isn’t reserved just for Halloween, so you should feel free to make an investment in this outfit. In fact, I saw a man at a gas station, of all places, filling up his car last Sunday wearing the Jeff Gordon jumpsuit.
No sooner did he finish topping off his gas tank than he jumped through the window of his car and squealed out of the Mobil station. All you really need is the race suit, a Pepsi (for promotional purposes) and sunglasses. A special Halloween touch could be added by driving down State Street in some sort of power-wheels vehicle.
“SportsCenter host”
The key here would be to make sure you were recognizable as being on SportsCenter, because you don’t want to merely look like some desk-jockey local sports guy. So you’ll need a nice suit, a slick haircut, an ESPN pin to put on your blazer and an earpiece to act as though you are listening to your producers.
Another nice addition that could make or break the costume is the SportsCenter theme song. Just carry a portable radio with you with a tape of the show’s theme on it — every fifteen minutes or so, cut away to a commercial, and when you come back from commercial play the theme song. “This is SportsCenter . . .” you know how it goes.
While I still don’t know what I’ll be going as, things don’t look quite as bleak as they once did now that I have a few ideas running through my head. I would be going as a legendary sports figure, but Ben Robinson has already put dibs on being Emmitt Smith, and I’d hate to steal his thunder.
