Ah, once again, the end of the semester is upon us, students of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and we all know what that means. Yes, lengthy papers, the primary product of a university, are being requested by the administration, presumably to fuel the great fires of the Madison Boiler Room, provider of heat, light and delicious steam for both the main campus and the secret, underground Mole Campus. If you are anything like me, the pointlessly wordy and frequently tangential TC MASK, then writing these lengthy pieces of shameless factoid linking is something you put off until the last moment. As such, I present to you TC MASK’s tips to successful paper writing.
To begin, we must first determine what there is to actually write about. This requires a vague idea of what class this paper is for; I suggest at least reading the course description before beginning this task. If it’s the night before, however, this step can be skipped for Joycean stream-of-consciousness musing about any topic even tangentially related to the department your class is in. After all, we all know that the formatting is all professors have time to read. As such, all papers must contain an introduction, several long transitions from the four pieces of information you vaguely remember coming up in lecture and the one book you’ve read, and a conclusion that proves that your theories are roughly equal to the words of Siddhartha Gautama.
The next task is, of course, deciding how to commit your brilliant idea to paper. I say paper because it has becoming increasing difficult to obtain the proper type of gypsum needed for tablet-inscription without a note from the Anthropology department, and the bookstore is usually out of regulation chisels. The next best choice is, of course, the manual typewriter, stalwart companion of great writers everywhere. While this does make correcting the inevitable errors of haste somewhat troublesome, it allows your words to ring with an authenticity far greater than that afforded by the more base scribblings of pen, crayon or charcoal on blocks of wood.
If you find yourself unable to secure a typewriter, then your last option is, of course, the computer. This then begs the ever-present question: what word processor should one use? There are many options available to the modern student, each with its advantages and disadvantages. Microsoft Word, the ever-popular option, combines the ease of basic text editing with the security of knowing every dollar is used to fund Bill Gates’ orbital laser. Macintosh users have the option of using Nisus, which is pretty much the same as Word, but with 38 percent more indie cred. Unfortunately for all six students outside of the CS department who use Linux, the only option you guys have is Emacs, which, while a pretty good operating system, could be better for word processing. Whatever you choose, it will be your closest companion in this increasingly time-pressed quest for academic paper completion.
Seeing as all the important tasks are over, it’s time to get down to paper writing. Still, should things be TOO easy, you might need to tweak the settings of your input device in order to enhance the difficulty of typing. I, TC MASK, input all of my word-processed documents in Morse code using my spacebar, thus adding to the needed lead time on my oftentimes painfully idiotic columns and allowing me to broadcast them to my increasingly-annoyed editor in real time over this wonderful new innovation known as the telegraph. Should this method seem somewhat archaic to our more tech-savvy readers, you can have fun by setting your keyboard to randomly change layouts every thirty seconds. This has the added bonus of keeping you sharp when you hit hour six of your desperate, desperate rush to finish this Belialian task.
Once you’re sure your system is set up to properly receive the distilled wisdom about to flow from your fingertips, it’s time to get down to business and slay this beast. In order to concentrate properly, I suggest listening to relaxing music. The works of Merzbow, a noted ambient musician, are quite helpful for concentration while attempting to slam out 400 more words on the perceived homosexual subtext present in Joseph Heller’s famous novel of vengeance and Electral love, Catch-22. Indeed, after formatting, spacing, lucky writin’ pants and proper mood lighting, music is the most important part to writing a paper. Make sure everyone around you can hear the noise leaking from your headphones while you furtively scan Pandora at two in the morning in College Library.
Well, now that all the atmospheric stuff is taken care of, it’s time to write down the things you know regarding your topic. This should take roughly ten minutes. After finishing this step, it’s time to start bullshitting, which usually involves interpreting deep meaning in relatively minor points of dialogue (for English majors), drawing shocking conclusions from otherwise-mundane graphs (Sociology and Statistics majors), and coming up with shocking new theories about things other people have read a thousand other times (Theology and History majors). This will, of course, fill the rest of your paper with the kind of meaty padding that every professor loves to read. After all, they receive tenure based on how closely their class fits a proper Gaussian curve.
By following these tips, I guarantee an enjoyable paper writing experience will be had by you!
TC Mask ([email protected]) is a luchador writer.
