Students, faculty, alumni and homeless people using this paper for shelter against the inexorable wind and cold of Madison, there has been a terrible crime of late. Many people, whose names will be withheld out of courtesy, have alleged that this fine newspaper, normally a paragon of truth and journalistic integrity, has committed dangerous acts of libel, slander, calumny, vilification and dekulakization against those pillars of the Madison academic community — the fraternities. Let me be the first to say there is no truth in these allegations, and we at The Badger Herald are great fans of the Greek system that we can only observe from afar with envy and secret desire.
Nonetheless, what was meant to be taken as a simple commentary on events was cruelly misinterpreted as an attack nearly as grievous as the first blow in a nuclear strike betwixt our great United States and Russia at the height of the Cold War. The Herald noted this issue, and realized that much of its staff would not be seen as acceptable to comment upon the powerfully virile men living out on Langdon Street. To address this deficiency, it sought out the only writer capable of matching the sheer unbridled masculinity of the fraternities. That is I, TC MASK, luchador writer and tower of obviously-heterosexual manliness.
The heart of this issue is not, however, the fault of the writers of the Herald, however girlish and uncool they may be. Instead, the key problem is in the respect these fine organizations are failing to receive from the campus at large. To rectify this problem, I suggest a proper display of the power, ability and general awesome-dudeness of the fraternities be instituted. While there are a number of possible activities that could be suggested (beer consumption competition, exhibition moped riding, popped-collar endurance test), I instead chose to look to the past and decided our best option would be to bring back the old tradition of fraternal dueling, known as mensur to the Germans.
To understand this change and clarify how it may apply to us in this day and age, we will have to go back and examine this tradition. The origin of fraternities (divisible as frater, meaning “One who drinks at Brothers”, and nity, rendered as “While visored”) is a great and mysterious thing, lost but for a mention in the Dead Sea Scrolls. Founded around the time of Christ (1345 A.D.), they were originally groups of Roman men who presided over the corridors of Socrates’ famous Think Academy, devising great philosophies and consuming copious amounts of lead-flavored wine, which is thought to be an early precursor to Pabst Blue Ribbon. Although these origins were lost during the burning of the Library of Alexandria (caused by an improperly-extinguished Roman cigarette), the traditions survived and spread to Germany 23 years later, where they decided the philosophizing part could be replaced with hitting one another vigorously with swords.
Now, there are a few problems with this system. To start, there is far too much babying in the form of ‘protective gear’ and ‘rules’, and this would only limit our superior American skills and ability. Normally, the target area is the upper cheek, with both participants wearing heavy protection and seeking to inflict a scarring wound on their opponent’s face. The protective gear, consisting of a heavy mail shirt, glove, collar and goggles will have to go. Rather, these bouts should be performed shirtless, to maximize the impact of their superior musculature gained from hours lifting weights in the SERF, and the target area shall be changed to the entire upper body. After all, how cool is a dinky little facial scar when compared to a real man’s jagged gash across his rippling pectorals? To get the full experience, I also suggest the participants be oiled, so the inevitable Facebook pictures of their prowess give a nice lens-flare effect.
Secondly, the Germans view this as a solemn test of bravery, with no real winner or loser. We can definitely lose that part, as it ignores the fact that you want attractive women to see how brave and sexy you are by severely injuring another man with a sword. Instead, we shall abide by the policy of “Two Bros Enter, One Bro Leaves.” While this may seem a bit excessive, it will ensure those who survive are, without a doubt, exceedingly hardcore dudes, obviously deserving of respect. In addition, I suggest side bets be officially organized by the hosting fraternity, with all proceeds to be donated to charity after the costs of doctors, space rental, funerals and emergency hair-gel repairs have been deducted. That way, the grand spirit of manly fraternal charity is maintained, along with the safe, wholesome environment that only drinking, gambling and violence can provide to our future leaders.
I think this suggestion will be well-received by the fraternal organizations on campus. After all, there’s nothing manlier and obviously heterosexual than two shirtless, oiled men seeking to penetrate each other’s virgin flesh with a gleaming, naked sword.
TC Mask ([email protected]) is a luchador writer.
