Downtown Madison couldn’t find a way to land Epic Systems. Or the Hall of Fame Grill. And most likely, the new Edgewater. To the glass half-empty crowd, such a track record might suggest Google Fiber should pass over Madison like the Angel of Death staring at lamb’s blood. But as an optimist, I humbly disagree. It’s time to switch bats, take off the gloves and end this hitting slump, and here’s how we do it:

Madison needs to disable SafeSearch.

First, let me explain. In an attempt to land a spot as one of the testing grounds for Google’s new super-Internet, cities across the U.S. have been forcing cutesy gestures upon their populations. Topeka, Kan., changed its name to “Google” for the entire month of March — once April hits, it will revert back to SuckItLincolnNebraska, Kansas. Greenville, S.C., is going to make the first Google chain using glowsticks, and although I have no idea what that means, it seems just stupid enough to come from South Carolina. But as a Union state, we have to up the ante. And that’s why we’re disabling SafeSearch.

For those of you who don’t use Google Images, SafeSearch is what prevents Google from showing you naked ladies — no matter what you’re Googling. Want “puggles”? You’ll get naked ladies. Learning about “Avignon, France?” No, you’re learning about naked ladies. Need to find “Madeline Albright?” Don’t. Children will weep.

To do this, all Madison needs to do is pack the town with naked ladies. One easy step. Google can’t say no to that. Neither can grandpa or Rabbi Kowitz. Or grandma. Just think how much fresh air you’d get if the parks were swarming with naked ladies?

Google would run to Madison. And yet, Madison would have no use for the Internet.