On a crisp fall day in 2009, inside a small, unsuspecting apartment, David Carter’s life changed forever:

There he was, young and virile as ever, flipping through the few channels his TV gets.

“This chocolate ice cream stain isn’t going to come out,” he figured, as his eyes drifted slowly from the TV to the large brown blob on his pajamas.

Smells of beer, garlic pizza and some kind of rash medicating cream were emanating from his body. David hadn’t left the house in three days, except to buy ice cream after he mistakenly thought he heard the ice cream man and, as a result, got the taste for some.

Suddenly, the WISC-TV newscaster’s voice broke up the monotony of commercial jingles and deals for four payments of $19.95, which grabbed David’s attention. “Representative Jeff Wood was arrested again last night on suspicion of impaired driving. It’s his third such arrest in just 10 months.”

David turned off the TV and sat there in shock. Minutes later, his brain had formulated what psychiatrists call “a thought.”

“If that’s what it takes to be a politician, a leader, then, maybe, one day I too could,” he paused, “amount to something.”

And just like that, the world had opened its arms to David Carter and every person like him. From that day on, people who were always told that their poor work ethic would be their downfall began to believe in themselves. They rejoiced, realizing one of their own had made it to the top. They had found their hero in the form of a stumbling, mumbling inspiration named Jeff Wood.

To show his appreciation, David felt compelled to defend this man’s honor:

In October, Jeff Wood was arrested again for suspicion of driving while impaired; his fifth arrest for such a charge and second in just a month. Today, Wood is fighting to keep his job before a committee of nit-picking representatives, who are eager to expel him because of his perceived “inability to service the public.”

Spearheading the effort to expel Wood is the lowly Rep. Stephen Nass — a man who Wood nobly condemned for failing to pay child support only 15 short years ago. Nass, likely still buzzing from his ability to ditch out on child support without serious reprimand, didn’t attend the recent hearing on Mar. 3 that allowed Wood to plead his case in front of the committee of special ethics. Had Nass been there, committee chairperson Mary Hubler might have scheduled a vote to expel Wood.

During his hearing, Wood gallantly continued his mudslinging as he spouted off a list of 30 former lawmakers who have broken the law but kept their seats regardless. It’s a tactic we’ve all used when trying to negotiate a punishment with our parents.

From Jim Doyle on down the political ladder, Wood is thought to be a reckless drunk, unfit for the State Assembly. Yet much to the contrary, I feel Wood and his actions should be seen as a source of inspiration to every college student in this country, from coast to coast, sea to shining sea. His face should be in the center of every beer pong table, at the bottom of every beer mug and sold on T-shirts at every university across the United States.

Jeff Wood is proof that a person can maintain a steady drinking and drug habit, get arrested for those habits five times, disregard responsibility and still become a high standing figure in society. He has paved the way for countless overindulging college students. He is truly a role model.

Through his recent tribulations, Wood has created a legacy that will live on regardless of whether he is expelled from the state Assembly. Through his teachings, the worthless masses have become empowered and encouraged to continue with their lazy, do-nothing agendas.

For all of those that dread thinking this beer bong may be their last before they graduate: Don’t, because there’s Jeff Wood.

For all of those that like to make themselves a cocktail of cough medicine and numerous prescription drugs every once in a while: Continue, because there’s Jeff Wood.

For all of those that like to drink, smoke weed, break the law over and over again and then jump bail: Jeff Wood says he understands.

He is a man that knows no limits, legal or otherwise.

When people said, “But Jeff, you can’t drive that car!” He answered back triumphantly, “I can do anything!” And he meant it. (Well, except pass field sobriety tests.)

Here’s to Jeff Wood: The man, the inspiration, the patriot.

Pieces of shit around the world can finally unite to form a voice of solidarity as our leader fights for his very livelihood. He’s done what he can for students on college campuses everywhere. Now it’s time we show him our support. Don’t let the Wisconsin State Assembly expel Jeff Wood. For his expulsion will expel a piece of us all.

David Carter ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in forestry.