Barack Obama, the next president of the United States, has a fearsome task ahead of him. Beyond permitting the insidious Muslim third column that will eventually send this country to the welcoming arms of the new caliphate in a handbasket, our new president will need to maintain the industry of a busy housewife as he scurries from bank account to bank account, gobbling up the greenbacks of hardworking Americans so he can finally throw us to the hungry hounds of socialism, culminating in a protracted act of fellatio at the feet of his mentor — Karl Marx. All we can do is wish Barack Hussein Obama our best.

However, regardless of whether he manages to liberate the American people from the tyranny of plump bank accounts and property ownership — surely his objective from the start of his candidacy — Obama does have a unique opportunity as president to continue the long-running suppression of American civil liberties — absolutely essential in an age when we are threatened by terrorists in our midst, a rampage of homosexuals quietly intent on fornicating in front of your children betwixt showings of “Thomas the Tank Engine” and the nagging fear that even if we meet these calamities with a firm hand, the entire fabric of society may nonetheless be obscured in the smoke and flames resulting from an untended marijuana cigarette. It’s enough to catch any good authoritarian with his political dick in his hand.

Obama’s first test will come with a review of the Foreign Intelligence Service Act of Bush-era fame. The provisions of FISA are generally not particularly shocking; they authorize spying on foreign powers we don’t like very much. However, FISA also gave a group of patriotic telecommunication companies immunity for spying on American citizens. Obama originally promised to fight the bill, but when push came to shove, Obama mavericked all over our inconsequential civil liberties.

Obama will also likely manage to keep America safe from the horrifying specter of the drug monster; although he originally pledged to decriminalize marijuana and allow the sale of the drug for medical purposes, marijuana has been all but extinguished from the campaign rhetoric of any serious candidate. This is partially due to the fact, as many can easily point out, that Obama needs to distance himself from the scruffy-haired socialist troglodytes of his youth. But the extinguishing of marijuana from the campaign trail by Obama and every other politician is a grand act of political cowardice that neglects the fundamental culprit of America’s inner city-debacle: The more things you criminalize, the more criminals you will make for yourself.

Pot brings out the funniest reactions in people; even the biggest advocates of limited government are quick to point out that Americans have no right whatsoever to choose their own herbology — government must do that for them, while a long dynasty of liberals have ceded the issue to Republicans in order to not look weak. If Obama decides to step beyond the pleasant confines of education as a means of inner-city empowerment and acts with any principle on the issue of drug policy — beginning with marijuana and progressing to crack cocaine — it will be a shocking departure, and one that also finally reaffirms the basic precept of liberty often used to justify abortion — my body, my choice.

Obama’s stance on gay marriage, on the other hand, is a very principled defense of the Nickelodeon crowd. As the generation of anachronistic cave-dwellers that brought you Jim Crow begins to disappear, carried to heaven on a direct line from the 700 Club, Obama will be hard-pressed to justify something that is at its essence a concession to bigotry.

In any case it is a foregone conclusion that our new president will mandate charity, that he will obligate us to care with our wallets, and that he will serve as the final justification for a generation that regards economic liberty as a discarded piece of garbage still spouted by a few — “thankfully” — insignificant dinosaurs of the fiscally conservative persuasion. What still rests in the hands of fate is whether everyone’s favorite demagogue will have the courage to protect liberties that tend to go out of fashion when convenience gives us the reasons we think we need for abandoning them. Ironically enough, it is this same climate of fear that proves the greatest testament to civil freedoms: If we muster the courage to defend them when it is deemed impractical, we earn the right to liberty under all circumstances.

President Obama, the American people have given you an unadulterated mandate to dig into their wallets. But if you have even the most trifling measure of respect for the starry-eyed worshippers that have placed you in our modern Parthenon, please, stay the hell away from my body, my soul and my telephone.

Sam Clegg ([email protected]) is a sophomore majoring in economics.