When I go to my local polling station to vote today, I’m bringing a football with me. And when I emerge from behind that curtain, my sense of democracy fulfilled, I am going to spike that football. Hard. I will not spike it because I’m excited at the prospect of a new president, but because I want that little piece of sewn-together synthetic pigskin to feel the pain I’ve dealt with for the last year. For too long I’ve been tortured with attack ads, debates, staged public appearances and substance-free stump speeches. This was not a race, but a poorly scripted, primetime TV show. And judging by how the public made out after this endurance test of negativism and rhetoric, I’d call that show “Lost.”
Remember Rudy Giuliani? Or how about John Edwards? The marathon for the presidency is running so long it’s hard to remember all the players. There was a time when nobody thought Barack Obama could beat Hilary Clinton, and even fewer people thought John McCain was actually alive. It’s easy to see why presidents appear to age physically at an incredible rate; I swear this campaign lasted decades. Arguing Barack Obama lacks experience is foolish when he’s pretended to be president for the last three months. He’s not a politician. He’s an actor. Or as a puckish John McCain ad I’ve seen a mere 100 times would say, he’s a “celebrity.”
But it was unfair of McCain to label Obama like that. Ultimately, they’ve both become celebrities. They’ve both toured the talk show circuit, basking in constant media spotlight. Obama bought a half hour of airtime to remind America how horrible the middle class has it, and McCain sent his VP to the Rockefeller Center to smile at jokes. Do McCain and Obama think the American public spends all its time watching TV? Apparently, as evidenced last night, they think we do.
Monday night, with their final moments of airtime before the levers start falling Tuesday, both candidates were on TV in an exclusive interview with, you guessed it, ESPN’s Chris Berman. John “Still Raising” McCain and Barack “The Boat, Baby” Obama will sit down with a man whose political credibility is only matched by his ability to narrate a Home Run Derby. This is demeaning to the job of commander in chief, and Congress should get together to pass a law banning any person with presidential aspirations from appearing on a show with a Hank Williams Jr. theme song. I’m relatively confident his intro to Monday Night Football is pumped into cells at Guantanamo Bay.
At this point, it isn’t even important who wins. It just needs to be a landslide. I want a good, clean election with a projected winner by 9 p.m., and I’m looking at you, Fox News. I don’t want stories of disenfranchised voters; I don’t want talk about lawsuits or recounts. If this election takes any more time, it will qualify for Medicare benefits, assuming they’d exist under the new president’s health plan. If this job requires decisive action and “3 a.m. phone calls,” there’s no need to wait this long to vote. Cardinals manage to elect a new pope within weeks, and their choice needs to be unanimous. All-Star balloting takes a month or two, but it determines home field advantage in the World Series, something that’s a little more important than the head of the executive branch. The American public might watch too much “Dancing With The Stars,” but it’s not totally devoid of brain cells, and I’m pretty sure we’ve been ready to check the right box for a while now.
It just feels like that third “Lord of The Rings” movie. As soon as the screen fades and you think you’ve finally hit the end, there’s another scene full of small people with hairy feet. I want to see the credits roll on this election. In fact, I’d like to see them fast-forwarded, like they do with movies on TV. No Jackie Chan-style outtakes, no extra scene with Ben Stiller in a fat suit, just a bunch of thank yous followed by blackness. This election needs a black ending, so make it happen. And don’t make it close.
Sean Kittridge ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in journalism.
