This may be the only time the Randolph-Macon Yellow Jackets beat us in anything. Never heard of the Ashland, Va.-based Randolph-Macon College? You aren't alone. But do a quick Google search for the 2008 Princeton Review Party School ranking, and you'll find the Yellow Jackets. I'm not sure the Princeton Review knew the college existed before its students' debauchery propelled the college onto the list, yet the students of Randolph-Macon found a way to out-party the nation's best: us. Although I can't speak to the wisdom of the Yellow Jackets' inclusion, I can speak a truth about our erstwhile party school reputation few students on campus wish to admit: We no longer deserve it.

A party school list bereft of the University of Wisconsin is like a Subway commercial without Jared. I have no doubt that plans are now being made to restore us to our party school glory days. Kegs are being bought, mattresses are being placed beneath balconies, and fraternities and sororities are issuing fake IDs as if it were a civic duty. However, before you increase your alcohol consumption, know that your attempts will be in vain. It will take far more than beer to get us back to the top.

Princeton Review saw fit to rank Bucky first in "Lots of Beer." The irony of a school that has no equal in drinking, but can't seem to get an honorable mention on the party school list tells me that drunken debauchery alone will not restore our reputation. UW's party scene has a fever, and the only prescription is prayer and property destruction.

You'll notice a pattern when viewing this year's Princeton Review top 5 party schools. Each school is comfortably ensconced in the temperate warmth of the South. The average January temperature at the third-ranked University of Texas is a stifling 49.8 degrees. A sizable portion of our student population is immobilized during the frigid winter months, confused by the voluminous amounts of snow covering Madison's walkways.

It would seem God Himself has seen fit to ensure that our campus enjoys several months of party-reducing coldness and snow. A snow-muffled silence usually greets students returning from winter break, and frost-bite inducing temperatures turn a simple bike ride to class into a frigid bout with death itself. The average student is happy to survive a walk home from class without a humiliating slip on ice covered sidewalks.

So you want your ranking back? Then pray. Pray that God sends the warmest party-conducive winter Wisconsin has seen in years. In years past, authorities had to deploy pepper spray and SWAT teams to get riotous crowds off State Street. Last year, visitors left early grumbling about the cold and two-foot high piles of horse manure.

The truth is Halloween gave us a party school reputation that reverberated across our nation's campuses, and preserved our party school prestige during the winter months. One Halloween, years ago, a costumed reveler stumbled over to me. He stood on the corner of State and Lake Streets, glanced from Bascom Hall to the Capitol and back again. He took in the tens of thousands of costumed revelers trying to squeeze their way to the chanting crowd gathered around the fire in front of University Inn, and he turned to me and asked, "Where's State Street?"

"You're on it," I responded. "And a long way from home."

Halloween visitors used to come from all over the country, attracted by the appeal of our destructive celebration. Windows were broken, storefronts were mangled, and innocuous objects were extemporaneously burned. Mobs ruled State Street, and the evening ended in billowing clouds of pepper spray and SWAT shields. My sophomore year, when I was forced off of State Street on Halloween coughing and crying from the sting of pepper spray, UW was ranked No. 1 on Princeton Review's party school ranking. Last year, a $5 cover charge kept many students — and out-of-towners — away from State Street. A year later, and you'd think Princeton Review heard we'd started an exchange program with Brigham Young University. Coincidence? I think not.

A few years ago, Princeton Review didn't have to survey students about UW's party school deservedness. They just had to read the headlines: "Madison Halloween Celebration Ends in Riot Again."

You can't drink your way out of this one. If you want your ranking back, you're going to have to forfeit the entirety of State Street to the drunken disregard of out-of-towners for an entire weekend, and do your part to ensure that enough property damage and civic disobedience is committed to necessitate a heavy-handed reaction from the city.

And in case you weren't around the last time Halloween set State Street ablaze, I'll let you in on a little secret: It's not worth it.

Gerald Cox ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in economics.