Let me start my summer movie column by saying this: Don't go to the movies this summer. Fall in love this summer. Watch a baseball game this summer. Clean your refrigerator this summer. Just please, for the love of God, don't go to the movies this summer. Let me rephrase: Don't go to the movies this summer if the movie in question features a grown man in a spandex costume. It demeans us all. I realize that expressing anti-summer movie sentiment is — to paraphrase the recently departed Kurt Vonnegut — like expressing anti-glacier sentiment. Really, there is nothing more to say about summer movies: They're long, they're stupid, and most of them aren't worth your time. Allow me to make a suggestion: If you have 30 bucks burning a hole in your pocket, don't use it to go to the movies (except maybe "Knocked Up" or "Waitress"), but use it to buy the newly released "Not Just The Best of 'The Larry Sanders Show,'" a collection of the best episodes of what is probably the best television show in history. Along with being undeniably hysterical, "The Larry Sanders Show" is probably the most influential television show in history. If you enjoy "Arrested Development," "Scrubs," "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or either version of "The Office," thank Gary Shandling for making it possible to produce an ensemble comedy program that is dry, acerbic and profane. Let me repeat: Nothing this summer will entertain you more than just one episode of "The Larry Sanders Show." Nothing can come close to the brilliant byplay between Shandling and his supporting cast, which includes, at various junctures, Rip Torn, Jeffrey Tambor, Jeremy Piven, Jon Stewart, Sarah Silverman, Wallace Langham, and Janeane Garofalo. To prove my point, I'm handing out very funny quotes from the show to the various stories that I will not be paying attention to this summer. "Watch your step. I mean, career-wise." Larry's pithy advice to Jon Lovitz goes out to Zach Braff and Lindsay Lohan, two young stars who have seen their careers plateau in recent years. Braff is still churning out good work on the increasingly punchy "Scrubs," but he has yet to recapture his post-"Garden State" momentum ("The Last Kiss" was awful, and his new film "Open Hearts" got shut down in pre-production). This summer, he's starring in "The Ex," a broad comedy with a stellar cast that includes Amanda Peet, Jason Bateman and Charles Grodin. The one problem? The movie is supposed to be terrible. Lohan has the bigger problem: Just two years after being labeled the next big thing, she's managed to charge her way into rehab and lose the one thing (or two things) people really liked about her. This summer, she's in "Georgia Rule," from schmaltz-peddler Garry Marshall and the dopey thriller "I Know Who Killed Me," which should appeal to people who didn't like the other three dozen supernatural thrillers we've been treated to over the past two years. "I'd fucking kill myself if I had your job." For Jessica Alba, who is a funny, attractive, talented, young actress, she unfortunately is spending her time toiling away in "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer." Wow, sorry about that, dear. "What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the fuck was so comical about that?!" "Umm, it was a back tooth, Hank. … I just … I don't know how you did it." The most inexplicably hilarious moment in the history of the show goes to Judd Apatow's "Knocked Up," which looks poised to break away from all the superheroes movies and be the must-see movie of the summer. This may or not be as strange as Hank's accident involving a urinal. Apatow — a former "Larry Sanders" writer-producer — scored huge points on "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," but "Knocked Up" may eclipse even those lofty numbers. This seems to be the one movie that everybody is excited for this summer, and is the only movie I plan on seeing on opening night. This is going to be huge. (As long a we're talking about laughing, let me just say that nothing — and I mean nothing — makes me laugh harder than when Garry Shandling and Jeffrey Tambor share scenes during "The Larry Sanders Show." Just a dream team of neuroses and madness.) "It wasn't a sketch: It was a massive spastic fuck-up." "Transformers": the one movie this summer that seems to fit the above description. Look, I don't care how great the trailer looks: This is a Michael Bay movie about robots that invade earth. Oh, and the whole premise comes from a set of toys from the 1980s. These are not the elements that make up movies traditionally thought of as good. [Hank Kingsley (Jeffrey Tambor) puts on a pair of coke-bottle glasses and begins making faces at Elvis Costello as he tries to perform.] "What are you doing, Hank?" "I'm mocking him because he's an asshole." This is for "Sicko," Michael Moore's new movie about the pharmaceutical industry. It's so strange. Last week, I was watching "Roger & Me," and I was shocked by how much Moore has regressed as a filmmaker. He really used to be a talented filmmaker. Now, he's become a personality — and a disagreeable one at that. I can safely assume that there are going to be no revelations in "Sicko" that will surprise anybody who has read a newspaper over the last 10 years. (Side note: One of the greatest contributions from "The Larry Sanders Show" has to be the use of pop music on the soundtrack. Back in the mid-1990s, this was revolutionary. Before Shandling and Peter Tolan came along, nobody thought to use a variety of pop artists on a sitcom soundtrack. Now, it has become standard. Go figure.) "I've been in this business almost 40 years. I know things, Hank. Let me tell you one of the things I know: You do not suck." For the long-delayed Drew Barrymore-Eric Bana gambling picture "Lucky You," directed by Curtis Hanson from a script by Eric Roth, most observers seem to think this is the most likely big-studio release to tank this summer. (The movie has been sitting on the shelf for two years.) Here's the thing: I think "Lucky You" looks really good. Great trailer, great cast, great writer, great director. Also, everybody I've talked to who has seen the picture tells me it's pretty good. I don't care if America's fascination with poker has waned in recent years. The overarching metaphor behind the picture still has me enthralled, and not just because the idea of a compulsive gambler who can't hold a woman hits very close to home for me. Also, if you're not psyched about this movie, I encourage all of you to show up at Madison Avenue on Thursday night and watch me and other luminaries (people who aren't famous and you've never heard of) play in a charity poker tournament to benefit Women's Cardiac Care. It's a great cause, and there's an 85 percent chance you'll get to see somebody at the table punch me in the face for quoting "Rounders" every time I win a hand. "I saw your balls." Arguably the most famous line in the history of "The Larry Sanders Show" (delivered by guest-star Carol Channing) goes to Sony chairwoman Amy Pascal, who showed everybody in Los Angeles her, um, courage by spending a reported $500 million on "Spiderman 3." I guess I'm not totally sold on the idea that "Spiderman 3" can run away with the summer movie box office. For one thing, the buzz surrounding the movie has been iffy. The production was chaotic, to say the least. The villains look uninspired. And, perhaps most importantly, the field is stacked with similar movies. Now, obviously, I'm not saying the fanboys are going to pass on "Spidey" altogether, but the presence of so many tent-pole franchises means the producers might not be able to count on people seeing the movie three or four times. Such a result could make Spidey's box-office tally seem very ordinary come August. "That's what America's all about. … It's what makes us a great company!" "Country, Stevie." "What did I say?" Larry's conversation with his money-hungry agent (played by Bob Odenkirk) goes to "Live Free or Die Hard," probably the most blatant cash grab we're going to be subjected to this summer. Did anybody ask for this? Don't get me wrong, "Die Hard" was pretty cool, but I don't see any circumstances that could lead to me plunking down $8 and two hours of my life to see Bruce Willis make wisecracks at Justin Long, who I once saw get shut down by a group of freshmen outside the Kollege Klub last fall. By the way, the premise for "Live Free or Die Hard" honestly sounds like an action movie parody. Wow, Detective McLane has a wisecracking kid for a sidekick who also happens to be a computer whiz? Cool! Ooh, and the bad-guy is a charismatic terrorist who wants to take down the economy using — get this — the Internet. This would be a hell of a premise in, say, 1995. Ray Gustini is a sophomore majoring in English and journalism. Looking forward to seeing "Spidey's" third installment, or does the thought of Tobey Maguire playing a superhero still leave you cold? Send your questions and comments to Ray at [email protected].