This Valentine's Day, there is good news and bad news for romantic foodies. The good news is that aphrodisiacs, those foods that supposedly drive us wild with passion, actually work in some ways. The bad news is that they are not the magical substances that many believe them to be, and in some cases they can even be dangerous. All of the foods people typically think of as aphrodisiacs — oysters, chocolate, asparagus and so on — have no direct effect on sexual arousal. Some are thought to be aphrodisiacs because they are similar in shape to either sex's genitalia, and some are thought to stimulate arousal because of other physiological effects — such as lowered inhibitions from alcohol or an increased pulse rate from spicy food. In both cases, the idea that there is a scientific reason that eating something will make a person overcome with desire is absurd. In fact, some supposed aphrodisiacs can have the opposite of the intended effect. In the case of alcohol, Shakespeare put it well in "Macbeth" when he said it "provoketh the desire, but taketh away the performance." Spanish fly, a powder made of dead, dried beetles, can have even more disastrous effects on what should be a romantic evening. Although very small doses stimulate arousal by irritating the urogenital tract (which is exactly what it sounds like), if taken in too great of quantities, it can result in scarring in unfortunate places or even death! However, in spite of the significant drawbacks of a few aphrodisiacs, some foods actually can get people frisky, but only under the right conditions. According to the FDA, foods that alleviate nutritional deficiencies can have aphrodisiac effects. The surge of passion that some people feel after a romantic dinner of oysters on the half shell may be due to the general sense of well-being that comes with an adequate zinc intake. Even more surprisingly, powdered rhino horn, traditionally thought to be an aphrodisiac because of its phallic appearance, has a similar effect on calcium or phosphorus-deficient people. However, neither of these foods has any aphrodisiac effect on people eating balanced diets. This is good news for budget eaters and lovers. Oysters are always expensive, and the markup on powdered rhino horn is ridiculous at this time of year. For modern eaters, it appears the true power of aphrodisiacs lies in the messages they send to the eater. In other words, if you want that oyster to put you in the mood, it will do just that. For those of us getting enough of our essential vitamins and minerals, it is our own thoughts — not the shellfish — getting us ready for love. At first glance, it appears sad that all of these legendary foods do not do what they are supposed to do. Life certainly would be easier if all it took to woo someone were a plate of oysters or a box of chocolates. However, if viewed in the right light, the fact that these foods do not serve their intended purpose can be liberating. Rather than trying to deceive the senses into attraction, we can use food to send a message to the people we care about. By taking the time to prepare a special meal or by carefully choosing a restaurant, you can show somebody you truly care — something that no amount of powdered rhino horn could ever do. Foods that I would consider true aphrodisiacs are ones that you know the object of your affection would appreciate and those that take time and effort to prepare. In other words, if the guy or girl you're after loves burgers and fries, you're not doing yourself any favors by eating oysters on V-day. If, on the other hand, you make something from scratch or remember a special food or restaurant that your guy or girl loves, your feelings should be crystal clear. Sometimes, food can speak volumes when we cannot utter even a word. Whether it's in your kitchen, your dorm room or a restaurant, I urge each and every one of you to eat something meaningful with that special someone this Valentine's Day. You might be surprised at how well it turns out. Jason Engelhart is a junior majoring in economics and history. Do oysters get you excited? Tell Jason all about it. E-mail him at [email protected].