I never thought any American could possibly make Pat Robertson look like a rational human being. But that all changed when I left Humanities last week and came upon a group of religious zealots whose logic was so deeply flawed that their parents almost certainly shared a common cousin.
Every year around this time Library Mall plays host to those whose main goal in life apparently is to deliver the grim news that all passers-by have a one-way ticket to hell, where their souls will burn in damnation for eternity.
These individuals truly are a unique breed. Any casual observer can notice a world of difference between them and other religious activists who paint a picture of a peaceful and compassionate deity. Yet the protestors in question are so far removed from the mainstream and lead such sheltered lives that it is difficult to separate them from your run-of-the-mill brainwashed doomsday cultists.
It is individuals like these who test the boundaries of free speech every time they set up camp on Library Mall. Another city, perhaps, would have none of this and would grant a heckler's veto to the crowd and forcibly remove those preaching such a tremendously unpopular message. But not here. Students realize the First Amendment is specifically designed to protect speech that is reviled by so many, and I was happy to see the crowd engage the protestors in debate rather than deteriorate into an angry mob.
And because the demonstrators don't bother to show up when the temperature drops below 50, I completely forgot these militants existed prior to last week. During the winter months, from what I can ascertain, they hibernate in their subterranean lairs dreaming of the good ol' days when feudalism reigned supreme and the church ruled England with an iron fist.
I knew the campus was in for a treat the moment I realized the fundamentalists had returned. Although they make about as much sense as a rabid monkey giving a lecture on astrophysics, they are exceptionally entertaining to watch.
As I made my way through the hordes of students already assembled, I came across a sign telling me that Jesus rejects fornicators, drunkards, Muslims, Buddhists, Roman Catholics and "lesbos and homos," just to name a few.
After giving the sign a quick once over, I took a step back for a moment to ponder the situation. I wasn't deeply offended by their blatant display of bigotry, nor was I trying to rationalize their arguments.
What confused me here was that virtually every student in Madison fits into at least one of these categories. How could such painfully devout folks possibly stomach being surrounded by a group of unmistakable heathens? My best guess is that they are so conceited as to actually fashion themselves after the apostles who traveled far and wide to convert the barbaric masses thousands of years ago. Apparently they decided academics, free thinkers and disc-tossing hippies are the modern day equivalents of the Colossians (ancient people who had strayed from Christianity).
But this loathsome sense of self-righteousness shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, they probably embarked on this crusade after seeing the face of Christ in a jar of Skippy extra chunky peanut butter.
As I prepared to join my fellow hell-bound companions and opine on the matter, two ladies who were holding hands garnered cheers from the crowd and scowls from the preachers when they took a very visible stroll through Library Mall, sending a clear message that not even the kooks waiving the Bible could misinterpret.
"Here's my chance," I thought to myself. "Hit 'em while they're stunned."
Only seemingly every other onlooker had the same plan, as the crowd immediately began bombarding the demonstrators with a barrage of questions and comments that put the Kohl Center student section to shame.
While waiting for the seemingly endless stream of queries to die down, I took a moment to reread the sign that spelled out exactly who could expect a meeting with Lucifer himself. After noticing I had skipped over a line proclaiming Jesus rejects women
who kill their children, I realized the extremists were also holding a banner that said "Homosexuality is sin." I mean, come on. That's not even original. I can turn on Fox News any time I feel like it and see the same thing.
Moments later I decided to take advantage of a brief lull in the conversation and yelled out, "What do you think of the study that suggests Jesus walked on ice and not water?" Unfortunately, my question fell on deaf ears, as the momentary pause in the conversation proved a bit more fleeting than I had anticipated.
My stay in Library Mall was cut short after coming to the realization that I had become horribly late for my next class. So I hurried away and let my fellow students fight the good fight, knowing that once again our paths will cross.
Rob Hunger ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in political science and journalism.
