The thing nobody ever told me about writing a column for the Badger Herald was that I'd get letters. This was really surprising to me: the only feedback I was expecting would be from my dad ("I'm so proud of you!"), my mom ("I don't understand anything you write") and maybe some of my friends ("You may have your own column, but you and I both know you can't beat the Patriots on All-Madden"). Not true, though: as it turns out, writing for a weekly column can actually generate a lot of mail not from your friends or relatives, but from fellow Badgers. At first, this creeped me out, considering that people were going onto my Facebook profile in order to get my e-mail address. But then I started actually reading what people wrote and, I have to say, the people who read my column are actually pretty funny. Inappropriate, to be sure, but funny nonetheless. In light of the holidays being a time of sharing, I thought I might share a few of these emails with you and respond to them in print.

What's your favorite bad performance in a good movie?

I love this question for the simple reason that nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing a great movie get knocked down a peg by a horrible supporting performance. Look, the fact is, there are already enough great movies, but not nearly enough "What the hell were they thinking?" supporting performances. I liked this question so much, I actually brought up this question to my dad, who nominated That Spooky Skinny Woman Who Played Pacino's Wife in "Heat" (dad and I later find out her name is Diane Venora, although I still feel more comfortable calling her That Spooky Skinny Woman Who Played Pacino's Wife in "Heat"). This is a good choice, since she just killed every scene she was in — although she did inspire one of my favorite Pacino moments when he screams "YOU DO NOT GET TO WATCH MY F— TELEVISION SET!" at her boyfriend and then takes said television from the house.

Still, as bad as Venora (it still feels weird to call her that, but my editors insist on it) was in "Heat", the truth is that in spite of her shrillness, "Heat" is still one of my five favorite movies of all-time because of Pacino and De Niro. Totally off topic: my favorite underrated line from "Heat" is when Pacino shouts "I had coffee with McCauley half an hour ago!" at the top of his lungs at his partner. A classic "Al Pacino is out of his freaking mind!" moment.

My choice: Billy Zane in "Titanic." What in the world was James Cameron thinking? This was the most expensive movie ever made, and he goes with Billy Zane for a key supporting role? You're telling me he couldn't have ponied up a little bit more and gotten Cary Elwes or Bill Pullman to play the role of the Kate Winslet's sinister boyfriend? Instead, we get the guy who played The Phantom skulking around the boat like a villain from a silent movie. All he was missing was a cane and a little pencil-thin moustache. High comedy. His performance has only gotten more enjoyable in recent years since viewers can now yell out "Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude" whenever he starts arguing with Kate Winslet.

Did you notice that Miller High Life is using the theme music from "True Romance" in their new commercials?

I know! I can't believe I didn't pick up on this earlier … I'm really upset about this turn of events. "You're So Cool" (the name of Hans Zimmer's theme for the movie) has always been one of my favorite underrated themes from a movie, and now it's getting pimped out for a High Life commercial, which I just know is going to ruin my enjoyment of the movie in future years. I'm getting upset just writing about it. Let's just move on.

I know you are a D.C. boy, so you're going to like this: I was at the Wizards game Tuesday night and I saw Sean Taylor, Clinton Portis and Santana Moss so I started to scream "The U is blowing up!" at them until they looked at me. I thought you'd like that story. I'm drunk.

A few things you should know about this e-mail. First of all, the letter is heavily edited, since I received it last Wednesday at 3:30 in the morning and it was practically unreadable and full of obscenities and basically outlined for me what this guy did the twelve hours before and after the game. Still, I really do love drunken e-mails from the D.C. area, whether they come from readers or friends. They make me feel like I'm home, although I was a little disappointed this guy didn't stop in for a late night plate of pancakes at Steak n' Egg, a staple of any evening of debauchery in my hometown.

Still, I'm not sure why this guy would try to start something with Redskins safety Sean Taylor aka The Scariest Man on the Planet. If you want to pick on a Redskins player, how about Robert "I can't catch a cold" Royal? Sorry, I'm watching the Redskins game as I write this column and Robert Royal has been gawd-awful and it looks like he's going to cost them the game.

This e-mail also proves my thesis that D.C. has the funniest sports fans in the country. Our teams may not, you know, win, but nobody quite analyzes it the way we do in the nation's capital. The truth is, we have a lot of material, from Redskins coach Joe Gibbs starting every sentence with "Hey," to Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas throwing his jersey into the stands after every game, to my personal favorite, Redskins backup quarterback Patrick Ramsey, who always, without fail, wears his helmet while standing on the sidelines. I was talking to my old psychology teacher about this and we concluded he took so many hits during the Steve Spurrier era, he's keeping it on to be safe. And yes, I realize that the only people still reading this are from the DC metro area, and even a few of them have probably given up. Okay, time to get back on topic.

I'm 21 years old: is it wrong that I think Emma Watson from Harry Potter is sort of cute?

First of all, I cannot tell you how many times this particular subject came up when I was hanging out with my buddies from home over Thanksgiving break. The thing is, I've been on the "The girl that plays Hermione is smoking hot" bandwagon since I saw the trailer for the third movie and I was all by myself until everybody started jumping on after they saw the newest Harry Potter movie and realized that, wow, Emma Watson is beautiful. We concluded there is nothing wrong with saying that Watson, who is fifteen years old, is attractive: we were doing the same thing last year with high school freshmen girls, and it wasn't creepy back then. But if you're 21 years old, yeah, I actually do think it's sort of creepy.

Here's my thought when it comes to lusting after underage film ingénues: if you ever could have been in high school with them, it's okay. I would have been a senior when Watson was a freshman, so I think I'm okay. Of course, this means that once you turn 23 you are no longer allowed to find underage actresses attractive, except in the classical sense. So, in conclusion, there is something wrong with you thinking Emma Watson is cute: you're 21, which means that when you were a high school senior, she was in sixth grade, which just made me throw up in my mouth.

Ray Gustini is a freshman majoring in political science and history. He can be reached for question or comment at [email protected].