With Major League Baseball apparently unable to free itself of the stigma of steroid use that has shrouded nearly every major accomplishment of the past 10 seasons with doubt, the United States Congress jumped into the fray, requesting the presence of some of baseball’s biggest names to come testify about steroid use in baseball. Apparently the House Committee on Government Reform believes that by sending out a handful of subpoenas and then placing the players under oath that everything will be brought to light and baseball and America will move on from this dark period in sports history.

The laughable thing is, it’s a group of politicians, people not exactly known for their unwavering honesty and integrity, who are trying to ferret out the liars and cheaters in baseball. What it boils down to is that Congress wants a little piece of the media circus that is the steroid scandal, despite the fact that their involvement will do nothing to change the status quo or get us any closer to knowing for sure who did what and when.

Still, the subpoenas have been sent and March 17 is shaping up to be the start of a McCarthian like witch-hunt for steroid users in baseball. Here’s a small sample of some of the questions and answers that can be expected as current and former players like Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa testify before Congress.

Congressman: We’ll start with you Mr. Canseco, as you’re obviously one of the most concerned individuals over the welfare of baseball. Please tell us what you can about steroid use and how it is ruining baseball.

Jose Canseco: I’m sorry Mr. Congressman but I’ve been advised by my counselors that I should not answer any of your questions at this hearing. However, the answers you seek can all be found in my book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big which is available at Amazon.com for $15.57. Buy two, the IRS is breathing down my neck.

Congressman: Okay, well let’s move on to Mr. Sosa. You and Barry Bonds are the most logical steroid users based on your enormous homerun totals and your loose morals. Did you ever take steroids?

Sammy Sosa: I only did it for the fans. It is hard putting on a show for the fans everyday during batting practice; I get tired.

Congressman: So is that an admission of guilt? You are admitting to taking steroids?

Sosa: Steroids? I thought you were still mad about the corked bat. I’m sorry, my English is not so good, I am having a very hard time understanding your questions, I can answer no more.

Congressman: How about you Mr. McGwire and Mr. Palmeiro, what do you have to say to allegations that you have been using steroids to help pad your homerun totals?

Rafael Palmeiro: I’ll plead the fifth.

Mark McGwire: I’m going to plead the fifth too. I also want to say that I’m disappointed that you seem to believe the lesser of the two bash brothers on this subject.

Congressman: That brings us to you Mr. Giambi. You’ve already as much as admitted to taking steroids. My question for you is, hypothetically speaking of course, if a congressman were to, say, take extra money from a slush fund and then I, err, our hypothetical congressman were to be implicated in this scandal, how would you go about regaining the voters’ confidence?

Jason Giambi: Apologize. Just make sure you don’t actually apologize for anything in particular; that way your voters can take the apology any way they want.

Congressman: Very informative, very informative (frantically taking notes). Alright that brings us to Mr. Selig. What is baseball going to do to try and cut down on steroid use amongst its players?

Bud Selig: I don’t know. Haven’t you figured out that I’m just a figurehead, the overall inept leadership that is at the forefront of Major League Baseball? I don’t actually make any of the important decisions; the players association does all of that.

Congressman: Well then Mr. Fehr, what is the players association going to do about steroid users?

Donald Fehr: Mr. Congressman, our members only can make money if they are performing at their best and we support anything that will help our players perform better.

Congressman: Even though steroid use can have potentially serious side effects?

Fehr: The long-term health of the players is not our concern, making mounds and mounds of money right now is our concern, oh yeah and the players’ right to privacy.

With all the hemming, hawing and dancing around delicate questions that are sure to take place, no real answers will come of these hearings. No one will get ousted or charged with any crimes, simply all the fans will get is a chance to see our favorite baseball heroes in nice new suits instead of at spring training taking some practice cuts.

The hunt for steroid users in baseball is a wild goose chase that will never come to an end. No one will know for sure just who took what and when, and perhaps it’s better that way. What are needed are tougher penalties and stricter testing policies so that baseball can simply move on from the steroid era, instead of these ridiculous song and dance routines designed to point fingers and name names.