I’ve never understood awards like the MVP and the Cy Young.

At various times in my life, I’ve pretended to. I’ve gotten into the arguments, tried to appear irate and slung out made-up opinions to counter the made-up opinions of friends and analysts.

But, really, that’s just because I like it when people get all worked up about stupid things; it has nothing to do with any actual veracity within the system.

I mean, I understand what they’re worth — a fat paycheck bump and such. But, really, that’s just what they’re worth to the player. That has nothing to do with what they’re worth to posterity, to the league, to the fans and (most importantly) to me.

The problem is that these sweeping types of awards try to take far too much into account. The MVP award tries to boil down a thousand unrelated arguments into one answer — an answer that, by definition, can’t be a complete one.

It’s like a citizen being asked: “Who understands social welfare?” “Who cares about education?” and “Who’s smart enough to be trusted with the security of America?” and answering Double-U. It just doesn’t make sense.

Invariably, the same ridiculous and unfair arguments result. This year it goes something like: “Well, clearly Adrian Beltre was the most valuable player to his team, but Barry Bonds had the best numbers, but Pujols was the best player on the best team, but how about that defensive/offensive monster Scott Rolen, but what about what Todd Helton did in Colorado?”

It’s comparing apples to oranges.

So, I’ve decided that — in the spirit of a season of elections that showed that, no matter how hard you try, you really can’t make a difference — I refuse to go by their standards any more. I’m creating my own awards and they’re going to actually have meaning. Here are the first ever Country Grammar Awards:

Barry Bonds Retirement Fund Award (given to a player with numbers from a different planet): Barry Bonds. Umm … in a squeaker, the award goes to its namesake. Though Barry couldn’t quite hold off Ichiro at the end of the season and finished with an average ten points below the American League’s champ, he finished an amazing .553 ahead of Ichiro in OPS. The unfortunate downside inherent in Bonds is that, with him, you get a player that is walked too much to have the impact of a typical middle-of-the-lineup batter; but, even without his 234 walks, Bonds would have finished nearly .1 ahead of the second best player in the league in OPS.

Runner up: Brad Lidge. The Astros closer fanned 157 batters in 94.2 innings (1.67 per inning). Out of 60 major league pitchers that pitched at least twice as many innings, Lidge had more whiffs than all but 21.

Dirk Diggler Award (making up for the fact that his teammates look like 4th graders): Adrian Beltre, Dodgers. Beltre wasn’t just good this season; he was phenomenal. He finally proved that all the hype for all the years wasn’t just blown smoke, crushing a major-league leading 48 dongs, hitting .334. Beltre also was the only major leaguer to gather 200 hits and also finish with an OPS over .990 — that may seem like a meaningless stat; but, on a team without another hitter to rely on, it means that Beltre wasn’t waiting on walks. He was attacking pitches and making things happen.

Runner up: Bonds. The guy got on base as many times as any two of his teammates combined.

Rob Schneider In The Animal Award (a performance of such genius that it took skill to waste): Randy Johnson. People love arguing right now that Randy Johnson deserves a Cy Young. To be fair, by the standards that award has been decided under in my lifetime — though Randy was great — he doesn’t even qualify. No starting pitcher has ever (other than in strike years) won the award without 17 wins. Not ever. The Unit may have been the best pitcher in baseball this year, but his team lost him a chance at due credit.

Runner up: Ichiro. Seattle was almost an unquantifiable disaster this season. I’ll try to quantify it: after averaging 98.25 wins per season between 2000 and 2003, the Mariners dropped to 63 wins in 2004. None of that was Ichiro’s fault. He broke an ancient MLB record and stole 36 bases to set the table for those hitting behind him; yet, with a team around him that hit just .255, Ichiro barely even made it to 100 runs (he had 101).

Shot In The Arm Award (no, not that kind of shot in the arm, Sammy): Carlos Beltran, Astros. Without Beltran, the Astros were a middle-of-the-pack performer in the National League. With him, they came within one road victory of a World Series berth. Beltran had the second highest OPS on the Astros, had more stolen base than any three of his teammates combined (without getting caught once) and — all told — finished within four home runs and two steals of going 50-50.

Runner up: Larry Walker. Walker was the only Cardinal who didn’t mysteriously fall apart in the Series … hmm … not enough exposure to LaRussa?

Ozzie Smith Is God Award (try your hardest not to hit it at him): Scott Rolen. Rolen has the quickest reflexes in the majors, the strongest arm in the majors and the most accurate arm in the majors. And (as Derek Jeter just proved for some reason matters for an award meant to reward fielding), Rolen hits well enough that people notice him. Is it any coincidence that he just became the first third-baseman to win five straight Gold Gloves at third base since George Brett and Mike Schmidt’s streaks both ended 20 years ago?

Runner up: Andruw Jones. I watched Andruw on TBS a bit this year and got to see him in person a couple times and he’s not who he was five years ago. He plays at least five feet further back in center and doesn’t have the same speed (though he still gets the same breaks on the ball). He’s still the best outfielder in the game, but the door’s starting to swing open.

Fox Sports Coverage Of Cricket Award (it’s good, so why aren’t people watching?): Jake Peavy. Peavy managed to sneak in just enough innings in 2004 to qualify for the ERA title, which he won by a full half point. He won 15 games and lost only seven, whiffed more than a batter per inning and allowed more than three earned runs in only one of his 27 starts. He was, far and away, the best pitcher in California (not Jason Schmidt or Tim Hudson or Eric Gagne or Jose Lima or any of the fifteen pitchers that have gotten more buzz) and, consequently, has been entirely ignored. Wait …

Runner up: Todd Helton. Helton’s deserved it every year of his career. He’s one of the best four or five hitters in the majors year in and year out, and, by the way, won his third Gold Glove. The numbers aren’t Coors’ induced hallucinations; Helton is one of baseball very best.

Liberal arts degree in a Bush economy Award (just worthless in every way): Sammy Sosa. Corky ranked third on the Cubs in home runs, fourth in OPS and RBIs, fifth in runs scored and sixth in hits, doubles and OBP — pretty good for a guy that made $17 million in 2004 (more than Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Mark Prior, Corey Patterson and Carlos Zambrano combined). And now he’s whining he doesn’t get enough respect?

Runner up: Mark Prior. From Prior’s number (6-4, 4.02 ERA), it seems unfathomable that he actually started 21 games. He wasn’t awful; but when a player has the ability to be so much better, it just seems like a waste. Prior needs to find a way off the Cubs fast.