We are delighted to announce Nikki Signer and Rachel Dickens are our new Hump Day columnists! You’ll be seeing them in Wednesday’s Badger Herald when the fall semester rolls around. And to give you a taste of what kind of sexpertice they’ll be offering, we’ll be posting their winning entries. First up is Nikki Signer:

I love my ex. We can’t ever seem to really break up. The sex is so great! We fight, but then makeup…. I can’t seem to leave him. What should I do? –Distressed and Horny.

The on-again, off-again. I’m sure by now you’ve been through this a few times, your friends hate hearing about it and you hate dredging it up once again. You think, I’m sure I could get good sex elsewhere if I tried looking, but the process is long and at 2 a.m. I have no other options on my speed dial. You don’t want to call it “convenience,” but what other choices are you faced with? Let’s examine the facts.

The fact that you’re calling him your ex is significant here; clearly there was a distinct breaking point. This is important to remember, because it means a lack of communication. If I have to give the main ingredient in any sort of relationship, it will always be communication. Are you able to talk to each other? I don’t mean the ability to text GET UR ASS OVER HERE, I’m talking being able to have an honest discussion about your relationship with each other.

So how exactly does this affect your sex life? You say the sex is great, and that seems to be your main reason for staying. I don’t blame you. Over time, sex can be a very determining factor in deciding if you should stay or go. You guys know what makes each other moan without all the guess work. It’s easy, simple and yes, convenient.

Training someone else in how to push your buttons seems frustrating at first, until you add that magic ingredient, communication. Tell him where to lick, how to kiss and when to bite.Guys like this. The number one complaint I hear from guys is that girls never open up in the bedroom. Why the hell not? Blind exploration can lead to lost focus and lost orgasms; give him a map and you’re both likely to end up in Pleasuretown.

Ok, now that you know it’s possible to find sexual satisfaction beyond your ex, what is it still holding you back? You’ve relied on him for your carnal enjoyment, but you also sound pretty emotionally tied down as well. This isn’t anything to be ashamed of, but it’s also not something to be ignored. It’s ok to lean on your friends (male and female) for support if you see this as a dead end. But remember, only you can decide whether you want to keep going with him or cut him loose. Either way, you have to realize that something about this has to change; it’s way more fun to be horny when you’re not distressed about it.

I want to give great head. For every type of person. What are the best tips for eating out and blowing someone? –Mr. Cock and Pussy.

I once had a friend declare that she’d rather have vaginal sex before oral sex with a guy, because oral is just so in your face. I didn’t forgive her for the pun, but she did make a very valid point: your genitalia is under inspection when you’re receiving head. The hope is that the other person is enjoying the view as they do their thing, but it can be nerve-racking, especially for the first time with someone new.

Now that you realize that the person receiving is on unsteady ground too, it’s a little easier to approach giving head. If you haven’t gotten checked for STDs with your current partner and don’t know his/her sexual history, use a condom or dental damn. This sounds more surgical than sexual to some, because without a risk of pregnancy latex may not seem necessary or worth it. I beg to differ. Condoms and dental dams come in all sorts of flavors, and if you can’t find those, there is the wonderful world of lube. With any sort of sex, the wetter it is, the better it is. Water-based lube can be used on the outside of the condom and on both sides of the dental dam. The latex won’t feel like a tongue, but it will produce its own sensations that are nonetheless titillating.

Alright, now that you’re all suited up, it’s time for some technique tips. An old standby is that teeth equal tears. An occasional brush-up against the teeth may cause an unexpected thrill, but when sucking someone’s dick remember to roll your lips over those chompers. Some guys are so big that fitting it all in your mouth is impossible without gagging. This is not a prerequisite for giving good head, though watch enough hetero porn and you might think otherwise. The most sensitive spot on the penis is right below the head on the underside, also known as the frenulum. If you concentrate on licking that area you’re moving your mouth up and down over the shaft, the results will often be delightful for your partner. Don’t forget the testicles either; a light grabbing or holding sensation as you perform fellatio will further stimulate your guy.

And let’s not forget the ladies. The clitoris is equivalent to the male head of the penis, and its sole function is for pleasure (which is pretty awesome). This is where to concentrate your tongue as you perform cunnilingus. You could lick up and down, side to side, in a circle around it or combine all of the above. You can lick the area around it (the vulva) which also is very sensitive. Statistically, this is the way most women can achieve orgasm, and so a lot of tongue action may be involved to make sure she crosses the finish line. Have fun with it! Try nibbling on her inner thigh every once in a while, or let your hands explore the rest of her.

More sensation equals a higher probability of orgasm, but not all sensation will be completely pleasurable. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner if they like what you are doing, or what they would like to see you do to them. You’ll have the most fun if you keep an open mind and aren’t afraid to try something new.

I have to ask…does size truly matter? –Worried in WI

To answer your question bluntly, yes. But the yes is not meant to be discouraging. In fact, the yes is an indication of just how wide open people’s preferences are.

If everyone was a porn star, we’d live in a very cheesy world. Unfortunately, so many people’s first taste of sex and overt genitalia was through porn, producing a very warped bodily image. I don’t own a single pair of platform spike heels, my boyfriend does not get his body waxed every week, and somehow we get along just fine. So if we aren’t expecting ladies to look like porn stars as they walk down the street, why do we expect guys to all have huge cocks? In truth, we don’t. In fact, many women hope that guys are smaller because their vaginal tightness would otherwise cause discomfort during sex.

So what is “small” and what is “big”? Statistically, most men are between 5 and 7 inches long (from tip to abdomen) and 4 to 6 inches in circumference when erect. It is important to not judge a penis size when flaccid; “show-ers” are just a bit smaller flaccid than they are hard, while “grow-ers” can triple in size when erect. For some people the average is small and for some it’s huge. It’s all relative, usually to what they’ve experience before.

When size really matters, however, is during sex. If your partner is on the smaller end, the good news is that thrusting hard, fast and deep is usually ok; while if your partner is well-endowed, it may feel like you are being stabbed. Experimenting with positions is the best part of finding what works for you and your partner, and if you don’t rely on porn for all of your techniques, you have nothing to be worried about.