So you read Nikki Signer’s winning entry, and here is our other new columnist, Rachel Dickens:

I want to give great head. For every type of person. What are the best tips for eating out and blowing someone? –Mr. Cock and Pussy.

Wait…that’s your clit?

Note: the following statement is undoubtedly false.

Nothing in this world is more heinous than bad oral sex; and, as these things often do, it usually stems from ignorance. Sure, it’s pretty much guaranteed that within each of our lifetimes, we’re bound to encounter our fair share of trysts-gone-wrong, but that certainly isn’t to say they should be swept under the rug like the alcoholic uncle in a WASPy family.

Being caught in the heat of the moment makes it pretty tricky to recall that Cosmo “how-to” article you read while standing in the check-out aisle last Tuesday, or those sure-fire tips your friends shared with you before you scored big at flip night.

That being said, I’ve found that covering the basics, with a few natural twists thrown in there, is much more helpful in getting your own creative juices flowing (both mentally and genitally speaking, of course) than a laundry list of kinky things to do with your tongue.

Anatomy 101

Simply put, reaching orgasm and maintaining a steadily increasing stream of pleasurability beforehand are the basic goals of oral sex, in addition to being a great contributor to the foreplay lineup. Because eating out and giving head – namely the former – are hardly oral simulations of vaginal/anal sex, knowing where to lick and suck is pretty fucking important. Pun intended.

For the 65,400,000 and 63,200,000 of you who respectively googled “how to give good head to men” and “how to go down on a girl well,” the following should (hopefully) come with minimal shock value. The clitoris and the penis, while highly discrepant in size, are both connected to the dorsal nerve, and thus contain roughly the same number of nerve endings. Although being touched or licked virtually anywhere in the groin area feels great, paying close attention to a woman’s clit is bound to elicit some deliciously positive results.

Now, for an Everything-You-Always-Wanted-to-Know-About-Sex moment – the clitoris is located at 12? longitude and 46? latitude. Meaning, the point at the top of the vagina where the inner labia come together. If that’s too clinical – which it probably would be for me if I didn’t wikipedia “vagina” every two seconds – just ask your lady friend to point it out (hopefully, she knows).

The penis, on the other hand, is much easier to locate. If you’re having trouble, assistance from your local optometrist would be of the utmost help, as you’re…probably blind.

I wanna get physical, physical (and…mental?)

A friend once said to me, “Most things you do are oral,” in response to telling her I was about to give an oral presentation to my Italian class. Considering this and the fact that my last name is “Dickens,” you should have no trouble believing me when I say how often this subject crosses my mind. Usually during some absurdly boring 300-seat lecture. (I’ll refrain from listing the particular classes to avoid offending all you PoliSci majors out there….oh.)

While I have no qualms in parousing the latest “scorching hot tips” online, despite the undoubtable likelihood of one of my classmates catching sight of the words “BLOW HIM OUT OF THE WATER” sprawled across my screen, I often find myself generating a list of potential techniques in my head.

It’s always good just to think, “What could I possibly be doing right now?” as opposed to, “What’d Scott say made his girl cum all over the place last weekend?” That way, you’re using your own creative stimuli and forming a technique unique to your instincts and the desires of your partner.

In addition, the pre-oral teasing process is always a good time to think of new ideas. Meaning, before rushing to go down on your partner, get them going by lightly massaging around their groin and sexually licking their ears and neck. This’ll get your partner extra excited for what’s to come, and it’ll give you time to figure out what tricks you’ve got up your sleeve (or…in your mouth?)

Look at eating out and giving head as processes of trial-and-error; that way, when you make a creative or perhaps “risky” decision, it’ll be without hesitation or anxiety over your partner potentially abhorring it. Some of the best things I’ve ever done have been completely out of left field, which is, more often than not, a pleasant surprise for both you and your partner.

XXX FREE PORN XXX

Okay, so Monica Lewinsky and Divine Brown may have made a name for themselves sucking high-profile dick, but amidst the controversy, no one ever bothered to ask Bill and Hugh the most valuable question of all – how was it? (Again, this is probably not true. Just go with it.)

That being said, I’d like to emphasize the benefits of online porn – a source that allows the Sherlock Holmes in all of us to investigate how the amateurs go down on their co-star counterparts. It’s free, it’s fun, and it can make for a hilarious situation if you choose to view it in public (remember this the next time you find yourself bored to the point of watching 7^th Heaven reruns in your 8:30 AM power lecture).

Anyhow, the next time you’re feeling curious, I highly suggest searching “blow job” or “eating out” on these sites for some helpful, often humorous up-close-and-personal visuals. A particularly informative video entitled “Big Time Blow Job With a Side of Huge Tits” can be found on www.youporn.com, as can the two-part spectacular, “The Nurse Will Eat you Now.”

While I’m definitely not suggesting you blindly emulate some Jenna-Jameson-wannabe’s entire technique, watching porn can be an incredibly helpful tactic for both men and women hoping to better their oral prowess.

Suck and Blow? More like lick and lick and lick and occasionally suck and blowing is kind of irrelevant.

The best pointers for blowing and eating out have little to do with the terminology of each act. While most of you probably had the “blow jobs don’t actually involve…blowing?” epiphany at some point during high school, it’s often more difficult to grasp the concept that, despite it’s misleading name, eating out hardly involves ravenous-individual-dives-into-Subway-sandwich types of motions. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

The “buildup” element is a key pleasure booster for all types of head. Before diving in, try teasing your partner by softly kissing, licking, and biting his/her nipples, chest, and sides. After gradually moving downward with your mouth, begin grazing their inner thighs with your lips and tongue. Inciting a sense of anticipation within your partner will increase the playfulness and sensuality of the overall experience.

Although varying degrees of pressure are integral to any oral sex experience, most women enjoy repeated, light flicking of the clitoris with the tongue, much like how playfully licking the tip of a guy’s penis stimulates a sensitive area. That being said, a circular motion with the tongue, alternated with the aforementioned light, back-and-forth flicking motion, is sure to get your girl going.

Reiteration: your tongue is an AMAZING muscle, people. When you’re sucking dick, start off by licking all over the shaft (and, in many cases, balls too) to increase overall wetness. The age-old “hand-job blow-job” combination is also a great technique, and it feels both comfortable and natural for you and your partner. Without using your entire hand (that can just get clunky. Unless you have some sort of baby hand deformity, in which case…cool.) form a circle with your index/ring fingers and your thumb, and clasp it firmly around the base of the shaft.

Use your partner’s increasing wetness and hardness as a cue to increase the speed of whatever you’re doing. This is also a perfect time to ask how what you’re doing feels – or, if you’re the recipient and want to give some reaffirmation to your partner, don’t be afraid to get vocal. Creating a buildup of licking, sucking, and touching can help create a rhythm by which you can gradually increase both speed and intensity. The closer your partner gets to the big O, the more he/she will want to really feelwhat you’re doing.

Oh yeahhh baby, how does that feel?

Although blurting out, “How does it feel when I circumvent your clit with my tongue, sweetheart?” during the middle of a heated sesh might evoke some initial awkwardness, there’s definitely something to be said for open communication. Even with a mouth full of saliva and discharge, talking to your partner will make a worldof difference. (I promise you, even Ron Jeremy asks for progress reports now and then. Unless he’s a total fuckhead, which is possible.)

If the possibility of sexual criticism makes you feel all uncomfortable, just realize that communication is a two-way street to better sex – when you ask if he likes that thing you’re doing with your mouth and his balls, just remember – you’ll want him to know exactly what makes you wet the next time he goes down on you.

Not into the clinical stuff? A reaffirming “Just…keep…ohhhhskdjalfa...doing….THAT!” during oral, or debriefing afterwards, totally works too. Not only will you eliminate the risk of “ruining the moment” with something that may be considered critical, your partner will gain a sense of confidence and reassurance for the future (meaning, ten minutes later).

I was gettin’ some head, gettin’ gettin’ some head…

These suggestions aren’t designed to be an all-encompassing guide to oral, but rather a variety of tactics to get you thinking in the right direction. Maintaining creativity and an open-mind, as well as communicating openly with your partner about your likes and dislikes, are the basic keys to any positive sexual experience – naturally, this applies to giving head.

Bottom line: YES! WE! CAN! These three little words, though popularized by a man who was probably referring to lowering the national budget deficit, do a great job of describing the attitude everyone should have before going down on their partner. Head is not the enemy, and shouldn’t even be considered a daunting quit-pro-quo activity. It’s fun, guys. Embrace it! (orally speaking, of course.)