In the wake of defeat Saturday, the Dirty Birds’ “newspapers” finally came to some use: as tissues to wipe away their staff’s unusually salty tears.
Unfortunately, the sheets couldn’t handle the Cardinalistas’ bitter emotions brought on by the 4-3 loss to the Gentle Clowns, as the two-page pamphlet became filled with more tear drops than content.
There was just no consoling the feathered failures, who had come in with heads larger than their Managing Editor Jonah “Silly Boy” Beleckis’.
“Wait, who told you I had a big head?” Beleckis questioned repeatedly after the game to no avail.
When Herald Sports Editor Dan “Snarknado” Corcoran caught a pop out to end the Dirty Bird’s beleaguered victory attempt, the Gentle Clowns celebrated a sporting victory three years in the making.
“Jesus, my back is killing me,” Corcoran muttered as he nursed a warm Hamms. “I think I’m going to go home and ice.”
The humble Heralders had allowed two runs in the bottom half of the first inning, permitting the Dirty Birds to go home with at least some sense of self-worth.
But it was all Gentle Clowns from there, as rising star and Copy Associate Amy “I’m Wide Awake” Sleep put together the game of her career. Although Sleep’s day ended with her only empty trip to the plate, she drove in the winning run on the same play thanks to a DC error. After retiring Sleep, Dirty Bird first baseman and Sports Editor Jim “SPF Still Not High Enough” Dayton tried to nab Corcoran advancing to third but threw the ball away, much like UW students are accustomed to throwing away the DC’s paper, which tumbles around in the elements for several days before finding the nearest sewer.
Despite being a seemingly close contest, the Gentle Clowns could have easily put the game to bed much sooner, which they actually did with Dirty Bird pitcher and EIC Jack “Five More Minutes” Casey when he had to take a nap during the third inning.
“Some of their players were just really grumpy, and I think they could have used a nap too,” explained Herald EIC Tara Golsan, who helped corral Casey and quiet him down after a 20-minute tantrum.
But even with wasting multiple scoring opportunities, the Gentle Clowns pitching and defense were just too much for the Cardinalistas to overcome. Ads Director Nick “Every Day Is Leg Day” Rush and Business Manager Tyler “Silent Assassin” Lane patrolled the outfield with an unforeseen ease, while Herald Sports Editors Eric “Where’s My Clipboard” Kohlbeck and Chris “Yo” Bumbaca locked down the left side of the infield.
“We got some tremendous work out of our starters today,” Kohlbeck remarked while trying to put back together his shattered clipboard. “Kudos to the Birds, they prepped well, but when we tried to let them get back into it, they just folded their cards.”
The legacy of this Herald crew will live on for quite some time, and if you’re in Vilas Park late one night, you still might be able to hear the next in-line Herald EIC Aliya “Spell My Last Name Right” Iftikhar shouting in jubilation,
“YAAAAASSSS, NOOOOOOZZ.”
The Herald thanks umpires professor Lucas “Is that the 4th strike?” Graves and Dave “Do you listen to WSUM?” Black for their fair and balanced calls.
