The Wisconsin football team isn’t the only squad looking for redemption this weekend.
The clever, smart and good looking Gentle Clowns of the Badger Herald are looking for their first win in their annual flag football bout with the Dirty Bird since 2007. While the nation’s eyes will be on the lights of Camp Randall Saturday night, the real show is at Vilas Park Friday afternoon (Versus, 4:30 p.m.)
The gridiron losing streak is a sore spot for the Herald, which has trumped the Dirty Bird in the annual spring softball game two years in a row now, but has failed on the football field. Player/owner/coach and Sports Editor Adam Holt said he’s undertaking the task in the name of eternal glory.
“We’ve got to turn this ship around. We’ve got a real chip on our shoulder – you know, a real chip, like a Lays or Dorito, none of that Pringles shit,” he said. “We’re defending our honor, Genny Light’s honor and America’s honor.”
Of course, the Herald squad faces the prospect of replacing some key players from last year’s roster. Becky “The Punctuator” Vevea will be replaced at center by News Editor Carolyn “Staple Fetish” Briggs. Briggs gained a fearsome reputation on the line during her elementary school days that has followed – and haunted – her ever since.
“Briggs, she’s a dangerous one,” said Deputy News Editor Addie Blanchard, in hushed tones. “I don’t like to spread rumors, but I heard they based the movie ‘Hostel; on things she did in Europe.”
“And,” she added, “she’s killed a man.”
Also new to the team will be Associate Sports Editor Elliot Hughes, who will spend time at receiver, safety and quarterback, in addition to serving as designated slasher-of-Dirty Bird-tires if the Herald were somehow to lose. Hughes joins after a short stint in the Exhibitionist Football League, which was shut down by the city of Albuquerque shortly after the first quarter of play in the season opener.
“I’m not worried about Elliot being rusty,” Holt said. “He’s got a fire in his eyes that tells me ‘I’m ready to play.’ Either that, or it says, ‘I might have rabies.’ Probably the first one.”
A new addition to the Herald’s defensive scheme is their “Meagan” package, featuring the playmaking talents of Co-Design Director Meagan Stilp. Similar to the UW football team’s 3-3-5 “Badger” package, the “Meagan” package gives the BH the freedom to let Stilp rush the quarterback or use her prodigious pass-coverage skills, which have been described as “Charles Woodson meets the BP oil spill.”
The Gentle Clowns also look to feature a more explosive offense this year, as a strategy of calling actual plays has been implemented by Holt, which has seen positive results in practice.
The Herald also gains some unprecedented height, with Hughes and College Editor David Brazy looking to be dangerous red zone targets. Brazy’s wingspan is akin to that of a California condor, not to mention the similar eating habits between the two.
“I’m looking to score three, four times this game. I’m like a frickin’ redwood tree in the endzone, except that I’m a person, so I can move and stuff,” Brazy said. “It’s pretty sweet.”
Injuries, as usual, could have an effect in the game. BH Editor-in-Chief Kevin Bargnes is questionable due to dental issues, while Opinion Editor Jake Begun is probable with a case of the general ouchies. Publisher Chris Grady will also be absent, as he’s teaching underprivileged, inner-city orphans in Chicago to read or something noble like that.
Early indications from the Dirty Bird camp are that sports veteran Nico Savidge will again be held out from the game in a desire to save face and maintain a semblance of self-respect. Sports Editor Parker Gabriel has said he isn’t worried about the California native’s continued absence from the lineup.
“Well, we’re trying to win, so…,” he said.
Asked for comment on the traditional chug-off that takes place in lieu of a coin flip, DB EIC Emma Roller only quivered and asked not to have to face “that monster,” in a rematch of beer consumption.
“I’ll do it,” Bargnes said of the chug-off. “I may have to take that fake front tooth out, but I’ll do it.”
And while BH Advertising Director Bree Bunzel was unsuccessful in her bid to procure Nike’s “Pro Combat” line of uniforms for the Herald this season, the athletics apparel giant did agree that the whole idea would have been pretty totes sweet.
“We’re not going to look super great, but the DB will be pretty oh-em-gee regardless, after we el-oh-el them off the field,” Bunzel said.
Much like their lesser-celebrated counterparts in Camp Randall, the Gentle Clowns are confident they can break the losing streak that has embarrassed them so. Either way, the BH is winning the drinking battle, which is, in its own way, the bigger victory.
Asked if the Gentle Clowns were going to reverse the curse, Sports Content Editor Max Henson had a simple answer.
“Sure,” he quipped. “Fuck ’em.”
