When words fail to decide disagreements, the human race has found a much more primal way to decide its differences. It’s a sport riddled with has-beens, glory-seekers and drunk college students as both sides struggle to hack away at a slow moving ball the size of a grapefruit.
Yes, the game of softball can heal all wounds and open existing ones as well.
In a classic showdown, the Gentle Clowns (1-0) of The Badger Herald will square off in softball against the Dirty Birds (0-1,000) of the Daily Cardinal Friday afternoon at the illustrious and goose-crap ridden haven that is Vilas Park.
After passing down a historic 19-13 victory in the intra-campus newspaper football game this past fall, the Gentle Clowns hope to cement their total domination over their “Little Sisters of the Poor” on campus.
Associate Copy Chief Sarah Witman isn’t taking this challenge lightly. After training for this past fall’s BH-DC football game by benching with the likes of mega-hulks Chris Borland and Mike Taylor in the weight room, the junior has taken a more subtle approach to preparing for this year’s softball rivalry.
“Just taking plenty of creatine, HGH, muscle milk and I also had some gene therapy over spring break,” Witman screamed over the whine of an industrial blender, beside which laid a few questionable syringes. “I’m really irritable right now and may be growing a handlebar mustache. I’ve been hitting up the SERF, getting ready to become a human pain machine.”
While Witman struggles to keep her rage contained within her small yet powerful frame until Friday afternoon, master architect of the Saints’ bounty program and chief strategist Ryan Durkin Rainey has worked diligently to make sure the Gentle Clowns are poised to exert dirty bird-crushing dominance.
“The options to fill the cleanup spot are honestly a bit overwhelming right now,” Rainey said. “You could put in a classic like Addie “Snuggles” Blanchard, but I’m not sure if she really cares to show up after dominating the past couple years. Personally, I think Taylor Nye looks like our best choice. She strikes out less than an athlete at the KK and can really drive the ball with the best of them. Plus her strike zone is smaller than Nick Korger’s GPA.”
Usually, cleanup duties would by default go to the greatest Clown of them all, Signe Brewster, but the leader of the blue and white has mysteriously vanished once again from the ranks of the Herald office.
Brewster could not be reached for comment.
Pitching on the mound for the Gentle Clowns will be fan-favorite and blue-collar legend, Associate Sports Editor Ian McCue. McCue was drafted out of his Jamestown, Va., high school by the Washington Nationals in 2009. His fastball rivals that of Jennie Finch – whom he dated for several years – while his changeup evokes the deceptive “super slow-mo” pitch in the classic computer game “Backyard Baseball.”
“Yeah, I played against Russell Wilson in minor league ball last spring,” McCue scoffed as he sipped some Beer 30 with a patronizing tone. “After I was done fanning him I could see why he stuck with football. I’d be in the majors by now, but I blew out both of my knees playing pickup basketball with Mike Fiammetta last semester. Guy plays as dirty as he looks.”
If McCue’s reconstructed knees can’t hold up or the brash pitcher is already comatose from his notorious pre-Mifflin training, the Gentle Clowns have a plethora of other “Stretch Armstrong” aces, including Lin “Sanity” Weeks and Eric “Billiard” Wiegmann.
Wiegmann, a gangly engineer who fantasizes about the day Chicago’s sports teams will win a championship, is excited to try out his newly perfected Cobra pitch. With rumors of the Cobra’s development brewing for months, Wiegmann showed off his new pitch to a select group of friends in a workout Thursday.
The Dirty Birds know they are in for a long afternoon, especially after Managing Editor Nico Savidge announced he would be limited to the bench once again this year. Early reports indicate he sustained minor facial scratches in a fit of rage after confusing the Herald’s annual satirical issue with the actual Daily Cardinal.
“I may or may not have realized my mistake while brushing my teeth,” Savidge said. “I may or may not have lost control of my toothbrush. No one can confirm that the bristles caused my injury.”
Matt Kleist is expected to step on the mound for the Dirty Birds with a reported 8.63 ERA, but the Daily Cardinal is making sure they stock up a cadre of underperforming relievers.
“It’s not so much about skill,” DC Editor-in-Chief Kayla Johnson said. “We believe good things come in small packages in all aspects of our work. We can only hope Kleist finds the confidence to get the ball across home plate.”
While the Gentle Clowns have a solid roster, some key faces may be missing due to injury. Sean “Wolfman” Kirkby is out (full moon), Elliot Hughes is probable (Keystone Light/Asian Kitchen-induced hangover), Kelly Erickson and Leah Linscheid are questionable (Milk Duds overdose) and Reggie Young is doubtful (hemorrhoids).
Former supreme leader of the journalism school, Professor James Baughman has agreed to oversee the affair. Baughman wanted to make clear that he would not pick favorites since he was officiating the game, but did indicate that if the Daily Cardinal’s daily coverage is a sign of the potential outcome, the Gentle Clowns have nothing to fear.
“I just want to call a fair game,” Baughman said. “Sure, I can control their grades in the end, but I don’t need anyone to get mad as a wet hen.”
