Howdy there, rest of campus.

You may have been looking at this page and the slew of insider talk about the Associated Students of Madison and thinking, “Hmm. This seems rather convoluted and ridiculous. I really would rather go on an all night bender, but thanks for the information!”

And while you should have some knowledge of the problems with our student government, you’d still be right.

FACES may have run on some holier-than-thou progressive savior campaign regarding your tuition and the slate-that-never-was. The responsibility slate was more concerned with having determined, reasoned leaders, but the campus doesn’t care.

You know what? Maybe I should run for Student Council next semester on that platform.

Jason Smathers for Student Council: Fighting for students who don’t give a shit.

And hell, I might win.

Back in the day, former County Board Supervisor Ashok Kumar once told me in an interview that students care about human rights, the environment and social justice.

Aside from the possibility that not everyone shares his political beliefs, students, for the most part, don’t care about those things. If you ask them if they think human rights are important, no ones going to say, “No, sir, I’d prefer those Tibetans die.” But one half of campus isn’t going to join Amnesty International either.

And those are issues of relative importance.

Now insert the issues ASM deals with.

No, wait. Insert the issues ASM talked about at their last press conference: improved appointment processes for Shared Governance, committee upon committee conversing with Steven Olikara and Academic Affairs using better accounting software so they could all work on spreadsheets at the same time (and yes, that was mentioned as a serious success).

I don’t care. And if someone like myself, who reads minutes to Student Council meetings under my covers after bedtime, doesn’t find that enthralling, you can bet the rest of the campus doesn’t care either. Seriously, how exactly were the campus press supposed to parlay a talk with Damon Williams as a tangible move on behalf of students?

Yes, I care that there’s accountability for GSSF groups. Yes, I care that you’ve made sure there’s a more respectable vetting process for Shared Governance.

Your average student doesn’t know what any of that means, and when they find out you’re taking their money for something involving an acronym, they’re going to be pissed. Unless they belong to a group getting that money — then they’ll just know they have power over you and shame you in front of your colleagues.

They only care about something if it matters to them. Unfortunately, sometimes they don’t know that until they’re told in common sense terms.

So, fine, you’re starting a new year and are ready to really work on behalf of students.

Do us all a favor — stop talking to the rest of campus through the campus press and policy wonks. Talk to students.

No, seriously. Talk to students.

Take an issue like changes to UW Conduct Code Chapters 17 and 18.

If you had started the conversation like that, you would already be talking to air.

Instead, say, “Hey, did you know that the university is taking away your rights when punishing you? Oh, and they can kick you out of school for things you did back home. Sign this petition?” I assure you’ll get enough students who fear an underage ticket jeopardizing their college education that they’ll sign whatever petition you put in front of them.

And they should, because it affects them. But when you talk about “The Board of Regents” or explain the “Non-academic misconduct panel has said…” they lose interest in something they actually have an interest in.

All the new ASM leadership has to do is talk like human beings. Robert’s rules can’t permanently turn you into androids, can it?

But students have to do their work too. But in that case, it’s easy enough: Just ask, “What have you done for me lately?” ASMers will protest with a few things and say, “It’s not that simple — we dole out a lot of grants and services.” But if you’re not satisfied with the answer, tell them, “Hey, my tuition is going up; what are you doing about that?” or “Remember those course evaluations you used to have? What the hell happened there?”

Because even though people like myself go on about what ASM NEEDS to focus on — like appointing members to the Madison Initiative Shared Governance committee or getting a student to the Alcohol License Review Committee — this is one of the few times that populist demands actually make sense.

And sometimes, those demands actually work. Remember the wristband system?

So, for next semester, all I can ask of both groups is to stick to the sensible goals. If students want a new 24-hour library, work for it. If students want more learning communities, give it to them.

Don’t worry about the internal mechanisms. If they screw that one up, you’ll hear about it from us.

Jason Smathers ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in journalism and history. He’ll be back next semester as editor in chief and keeping tabs on ASM (as if there was anything else he could do with his life).