The risk when you write a column on something as complex as robotics is you will end up making a complete fool of yourself, since the odds are there is someone out there who knows a heck of a lot more on the topic than a clueless moron like yourself. So, I am definitely taking a risk here, but I am going to move forward with the subject anyway, not only because I feel I have a valid argument to make, but also because this topic will provide me with the opportunity to rip on soccer.

My knowledge of robotics is limited to what I learned from the show “Robot Wars,” which ran for about three weeks during the ’90s before being cancelled. On this program, groups of nerds would build robots equipped with weaponry specifically designed to battle competing robots built by other groups of nerds. Then they (the robots) would fight, with each contest lasting for a matter of minutes, after which one android would be declared the victor (typically the one equipped with a motorized miter saw), and the other would end up looking like WALL-E would after passing through a garbage disposal.

So, it was loads of fun for an average 8-year-old boy or a middle-aged Star Trek fan to watch. But was it really what we want some of the most gifted minds in that field spending their time working on?

Now, of course, it should be pointed out that this is just one isolated example of developments in robotics. In no way am I implying that all developments in robotics involve pointlessly creating apparatuses to fight each other. They sometimes involve pointlessly creating apparatuses to play soccer against each other.

That’s right: According to a Wednesday report from CNN, “Researchers and developers are aiming to advance robot technology to the point that a team of humanoids can beat the best humans in the sport by 2050.” And you thought the “Robot Wars” people were wasting time.

Headed by the Federation of International Robot-soccer Association — an organization whose title is so poorly worded I am borderline nauseous just from typing it — researchers say they are now getting “close” to that goal (Haha! Get it? Like in soccer!). Sadly, most Americans are probably not on the collective edge of their seats, waiting for this newest innovation, because it does not involve any real practical, groundbreaking advancement and because most Americans find soccer to be about as thrilling as a movie starring Dennis Quaid.

Even when England’s David “Bend It Like” Beckham, who is arguably the biggest name in soccer (or as they call it in England, “football”), came to the U.S. to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy in something called the “MLS,” the popularity of the sport remained null. To me, if there is any absolute proof to those snooty Western Europeans that Americans are not as dumb as they think we are, it is our relative disinterest in soccer. Sure, we may not know what NATO is or where Serbia is located (answer: probably somewhere in Europe, or something), but at least we know enough not to start riots over a game that routinely ends in 0-0 ties.

Anyway, strangely patriotic off-topic rants aside, my point in all of this is that it is time that these robotics experts get their acts together and start pursuing goals that have a little more relevance than androids that can fight or play soccer. I hear the Brewers are in need of some good middle relievers.

Todd Jasperson ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in mathematics.