For hip progressives, there is nothing lamer than admitting you are a Democrat who likes Barack Obama. It’s far cooler to show your independence by proclaiming, “I would have voted for John McCain in 2000,” or even better, “We need a third party.” It perplexes me why one would want to vote for a man who sold his soul to get elected president; however, I can appreciate the desire to see our two-party system opened up to a third party.
A third party for the sake of a third party or a party with a liberal platform that sounds like Dennis Kucinich’s greatest hits are likely to derail before they leave the station, but history has shown that third parties focused on one key issue can be successful. Although the thought of a “Packers Suck Party” is tempting, a more viable option is the Mass Transit Party.
Whereas third-parties’ past have often been based around being anti-something-or-other — Dixiecrats (black people), Know-Nothings (immigrants) — the MTP promotes our national desire for affordable and accessible public transportation. Coincidentally, the current economic climate is the perfect stop from which the MTP can help America embark on its journey back to economic prosperity.
It’s no secret the American economy is currently the equivalent of a massive train wreck. The last time America faced such dire economic times, Franklin D. Roosevelt implemented the New Deal, which included a massive jobs program to build the nation’s infrastructure. If the New Deal can help break the Great Depression, an enormous mass transit infrastructure program can certainly help the nation back up the truck on Phil Gramm’s mere mental recession.
The short-term gain will be an economy riding along via the production of actual infrastructure — not funny money mortgage options — and in the long-term, the public transportation network will become a more tangible benefit for all.
The other big issues putting the brakes on the nation are energy costs and energy dependence. The MTP is the logical home for those Americans who hate paying $4 for a gallon of gas while funding oppressive regimes worldwide. Public transportation is a winner on all accounts as commuters save money while reducing their energy consumption. One might even say it’s patriotic to take the train.
Furthermore, the MTP will prove that it is a uniter and not a divider by bringing together an eclectic group inspired by mass transit’s energy-related benefits. Tree-hugging environmentalists who are stoked by mass transit’s pollution reduction will find themselves sitting across the aisle from the car lovin’ Joe-Sixpacks who are trying to save a few Benjamins on gas for their SUVs.
While the MTP is most likely to appeal to those run over by the craptacular-economy bus, it will still provide a welcome vehicle for social issue voters. For pro-choice folks, the MTP will provide accessible and affordable transportation to Planned Parenthood, and for the pro-life people, it will provide that same level of environmentally friendly service to those heading to the latest Planned Parenthood protest. And the party will be fair to both gays and straights by honoring all marriages and offering the weekend family discount to all — no questions asked.
When the focus turns to the lands beyond America’s shores, conventional wisdom would probably hold that mass transit has no role to play in foreign affairs. After all, train-mounted guns are so World War I. However, that assumption is just plain wrong. The MTP understands that the terrorists hate us for our freedom to move about the country and is committed to keeping America safe from their dastardly deeds. Therefore, Americans can rest assured that terrorists are most decidedly not welcome on the nation’s buses and trolleys.
Also, just as mass transit will be delivered to the people, wherever they might be, our military forces will be delivered to where the evil-doers are. Though Saddam Hussein was probably a train-hater, the MTP will not send our troops into future boondoggles like Iraq. And the party will try to avoid conflicts by talking to our foreign enemies, just as it will talk to enemies here at home — such as John McCain, who wants to eliminate Amtrak.
Although the election is less than three weeks away, there is still time for the American people to make a mass transit from the Republicans and Democrats to this new third-party sensation. The Mass Transit Party will provide economic recovery, energy independence and true bipartisanship, and it will even dust off that old Quad City DJ’s “C’Mon and Ride It (The Train)” song as its theme song. There is no doubt the Mass Transit Party truly is “Trains We Can Believe In.”
Zachary Schuster ([email protected]) is a graduate student studying water resources engineering. He would like to give a SO to the original mass transit guru Drew.
