Rather than spending V-Day sitting alone in your respective home, practicing severe introspection by asking yourself rhetorical questions (“Why am I single? Why?”), celebrate Feb. 14 the right way: by renaming the holiday altogether and instead commemorating Loneliness Awareness Day.
On Loneliness Awareness Day, it’s OK to enjoy the holiday in complete and utter solitude; in short, it’s OK to be single, and in fact, it’s highly encouraged.
Why Loneliness Awareness Day? The reason is extensive: dating is dead, most marriages end in divorce, men only want sex and humanity in general is defined by a combination of biological urges, blatant misogyny and misandry and unfulfilled expectations.
Moreover, you deserve a day to be completely narcissistic, to bask in your lonely gloriousness and, well, to celebrate not having to deal with any shit your companioned peers deal with.
In order to best prepare for this new jubilee, we’ve created a set of activities for you to engage in, thus ensuring that your Loneliness Awareness Day does not, in any way, resemble Cupid’s Hallmark holiday.
Use Your Time To Reflect
- Google how happy single celebrities are. They are your new role models.
- Look through all of your selfies. You look damn good when you’re alone.
- Meditate on how awesome being alone is. No one is demanding anything from you or pushing you to do something you don’t want to do.
Know How To Celebrate
- Skip the champagne. Pop some popcorn.
- Drink. Need we say more?
- Binge watch “Orange Is the New Black.”
- Be weird. Tack up some deflated balloons.
Don’t cope with loneliness. Enjoy it, get up and dance with yourself. Happy Loneliness Awareness Day from the Opinion Desk.
