Happy Hump Day, horndogs.
Because the Internet is really starting to piss me off, this week I took a look at some of the truly awful sex advice floating around out there to show you why, when it comes to “expert” advice, taking it with a single grain of salt just ain’t gonna cut it – best to use the whole shaker.
A while back, DatingAdviceSecrets.com published an article called “How To Give a Woman Powerful Orgasms During Intercourse.” Promising title, no? But the columnist goes on to illustrate the kind of scenario that makes me wonder if he based the article on personal experience or a tissue-filled evening of “After Dark” on Cinemax.
On bringing a woman to orgasm: “She may start to shake, scream, or possibly even start to cry. Totally normal … she’ll be fine.” Okay, I’ll admit, I myself have had one or two mid-coital Nirvana cries over the years. But usually, if I’m crying like I’m in pain it’s because I’m in pain.
It gets worse: “BE VERY NICE TO HER AFTERWARDS. She is going to be very sensitive afterwards. She may cry (or laugh) for a long period of time afterwards. DON’T WORRY. Just chill out and let her go through it. Speak softly and sweetly and enjoy the afterglow.”
Why yes, I am incapable of containing my sensitivity/hilarity/radioactivity at the penetrative wizardry of your pulsating man-member!
Okay, I’m being facetious. But rather than waste time prepping your response, how about focusing your attention on actually making her come? I’m not telling you not to ‘speak softly and gently,’ but when you’re done making her knees shake, try giving her another round instead of monitoring her hormones.
Next up, GQ on how to reinvigorate a stale long-term relationship: “Why not give her the illusion that you’ve been cheating on her without any of the actual cheating? Have a friend call your cell phone repeatedly at odd hours, or quickly cover up your computer screen whenever she walks into a room. Now take her in your arms. Surprise! You’ve been taking a ballroom dancing class the whole time.”
Whoa.
If George Clooney had pulled this one on me, maybe it’d be OK – but chances are you’re no salt-and-pepper movie star. Instead of lying, why not take the dance class with your partner, get sweaty together, then go home and do each other stupid in the shower?
Or, if you want an exciting take on the whole jealousy thing, go to a bar together but sit on opposite sides of the room and watch as other people try to take what’s yours. When you finally go home together, you’ll be racing each other to the bedroom. Plus, a night like this can potentially get you talking about the possibility of actually bringing one of those unsuspecting guys/girls home at some point down the line. Not feeling so stale anymore, are we?
Later on, in the same GQ article: “Disaster often brings people together. Try to engineer some kind of bridge collapse when you are together, or schedule a vacation when you think there will be an earthquake.”
Um … what?
If you need me to say it, here it is: Don’t fucking engineer a bridge collapse to turn your partner on.
Next up: Cosmo’s article, “Find His G-Spot.” In this article, Cosmo notes that the male G-spot, the “walnut-size gland under his bladder” is the “ultimate magic button to push if you want to blow his mind in bed.” To push this button, Cosmo writes, simply insert a finger (or two) right up his anus during fellatio and feel around a bit ’til you find it.
I could be off here, but my guess is that your partner isn’t going to be too thrilled about you breaking the plane without his or her permission.
Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not discouraging anal. But what I am discouraging is doing something that may make your partner uncomfortable without getting his or her clear consent. If you think your partner would enjoy that kind of stimulation, talk about it before diving in. If your partner’s not up for it, the talk will save you the embarrassment of apologizing while removing your fingers.
Now on to my personal favorite: “Why Powerful Women Have Less Sex” from AskMen.com. The article opens with the following line, which seems to come straight out of an episode of “Mad Men”: “If she brings home the bacon, you better be worried.”
The article goes on: “A survey of six African countries shows that the more household power a woman has, the less sexual activity she has. Here in America, we are experiencing an unprecedented rise of female economic and sexual power. A study by the National Sleep Foundation found that one in four American couples are too tired for sex. This statistic begs the question: Are the ‘couples’ too tired for sex, or only the wife? After all, women control the sex lives of most marriages.”
Let’s flesh this out. Some women in Africa have less sex. A study on sleep found that some American couples are tired. Therefore, if your lady makes money, your sex life is doomed. Sound logic.
My counterpoint: To be successful as a woman in today’s world, you need to be competitive. Competitive people make some of the best partners in bed because they’re not afraid to be aggressive. Chances are, a woman who is successful in her career simply took what she wanted – how sexy is that?
‘Til next week.
Send Mary a spark at [email protected].
