It’s 2:36 in the morning, and the chick working the desk at College Library is literally trying to burn a hole through me with her eyes. Maybe it’s because I’m blasting porn on my laptop and asking a group of freshman guys what makes this scene better than the last two I showed them.

“This is serious, scientific research,” I tell her, but she makes me leave.

Why am I pestering students with porn? Well, over the last couple of weeks, many of you have asked some really great questions about porn. But because there’s so much porn out there, I decided I’d take your questions directly to the student body so you can hear some real responses to your questions.

So to the students I bombarded during midterms week to ask you about porn: I apologize for interrupting your late night study sessions, but thanks for contributing (and don’t worry, I changed your names). Now let’s bust up some of those crazy porn myths.

In your opinion, what makes good porn?

“I like a story behind my porn, but the acting can’t be too shitty. And I like the girl to be loud.” (“Stu,” senior)

“I don’t like porn when only one person is getting pleasured. I mean, I like going down on a guy, but watching a girl do that in porn and not getting anything in return kind of sucks.” (“Carli,” senior)

“I like porn that can teach me something. … I’m always looking to try something new and freakier.” (“Caitlin,” junior)

“Clear picture, you know; it’s not grainy, it’s not a shaky amateur cameraman and it gives us some different angles.” (“Joe,” freshman)

“She’s not screaming the entire fucking time. But you don’t want her to be laying there like a plank either. You know, it’s not fake the entire time – you can buy into it.” (“Nathan,” senior)

“High production quality.” (“Ryan,” sophomore)

“Foreplay.” (“Matt,” junior)

If you’re online, what makes you choose one scene to watch over another?

“If it looks authentic, I’m sold. I’ll skip over any scene where the girl is obscenely screaming. … I mean, come on. I want to see real pleasure.” (“Jess,” senior)

“If I like the position, that’s good enough for me.” (“Joe,” junior)

“I always look for scenes with the word ‘college’ in the title.” (“Mike,” sophomore)

“Thumbnails make a big difference. The picture’s gotta sell it.” (“Matt,” junior)

“If it’s boring, I’m skipping it. … I like to learn things that I can try out on a future partner.” (“Megan,” sophomore)

“Sometimes I’ll find a scene that’s one of my fantasies. So, like, if I can’t have a girl then I can watch lesbian porn and explore my body that way.” (“Jess,” senior)

“If I’m masturbating, I like to watch a scene similar to what I’m doing on my body.” (“Ellie,” freshman)

What specific type of things do you want to see in porn?

“She’s at least 18, but not my grandma.” (“Mike,” freshman)

“Amateur porn, because it’s not a fake fantasy and I’m not subconsciously thinking this girl has been plowed so many times because she’s a porn star.” (“Nathan,” senior)

“Chicks with curves. If she’s too skinny, nothing bounces.” (“Matt,” junior)

“I want to see tits that are 100 percent real. The huge ones that are too big are a bit scary.” (“Scott,” freshman)

“I just want to watch normal people having normal sex. Pretty simple. Some of the shit I see, I’m like, ‘Who is into this?'” (“Carli,” senior)

What do you absolutely not want to see?

“I hate long introductions. Just get on with it already.” (“Mike,” freshman)

“No men over 40. … It’s creepy.” (“Sarah,” junior)

“The guy can’t have a fake dick with those massive cumshots. … It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me when I can’t cum that much.” (“Mitch,” junior)

“No chicks getting pounded by machines. … Pass.” (“Ryan,” sophomore)

“No fucked up teeth. I know porn is about sex, but I think you have to be attracted to the person you’re watching on a really basic level.” (“Matt,” junior)

“The guy has to look normal enough so I can ignore him, you know”? (“Joe,” freshman)

“No saggy balls.” (“Ellie,” freshman)

How do you use porn? What for?

“Well, my deep-throating skills are as good as they are thanks to porn. My ex and I would watch [porn star] Heather Brooke together, and I would do my best to imitate her.” (“Carli,” senior)

“When it’s believable porn, knowing the level of pleasure that’s attainable makes me explore myself more and let my partner explore me more.” (“Jess,” senior)

“I like to use it to help me get going when I’m alone … but I like it with a partner too because there’s something naughty, like almost competitive, about watching my partner watch me watch porn, if that makes sense.” (“Megan,” junior)

Any final thoughts on porn?

“Guys don’t watch porn all the time like girls think we do. We just get horny.” (“Mike,” freshman)

“Just that girls use it too! And if you’re a girl who hasn’t tried it yet, check it out.” (“Ellie,” freshman)

“You should tell girls who are hesitant about watching porn to search for scenes that are ‘female friendly’ or ‘couple-friendly.’ They’re usually more soft-core.” (“Kelly,” sophomore)

“I don’t know, you know, everyone has their thing. There wouldn’t be that kind of porn out there if someone didn’t watch it, so who are we to judge”? (“Caitlin,” junior)

There you have it, ya little nymphos. Til next time.