In an earlier column, I claimed that Bo Ryan would make an efficient and fair governor of the state of Wisconsin. I still stand by my assertion that our silver-haired hoops guru possesses the administrative and problem solving skills necessary to hold the state’s highest executive office.

Now it seems that another job swap is in order. In light of the severe violations committed by head coach Jim Tressel that we were delightfully informed about Sunday night, it is now apparent Jim Tressel’s tenure at Ohio State University might be coming to a close. Fortunately, there is a capable replacement waiting to replace Tressel – Gov. Scott Walker would indeed fit perfectly as the next football coach of the Buckeyes.

Walker possesses the rare combination of an honest, calm demeanor, along with the dishonest, exploitative, malevolent leadership style that would surely put him along with such great names as Woody “The Choker” Hayes and Jim “Tattoo Parlor” Tressel.

Need further convincing? Let us take a look at the job requirements for OSU head football coach.

First requirement: Ohio State coaches need to emit an aura of honesty despite the knowledge that they are telling blatant lies. Jim Tressel, long believed to be one of the classiest and most honest coaches in the FBS, knew his players were selling memorabilia for profit and tattoos, yet denied having any knowledge of the violations.

At first, Walker looks likable and believable – even Jon Stewart referred to his demeanor as “cheddar-like.” As a show of “transparency,” Walker released emails indicating he was in the process of negotiating with the Democratic senators. In reality, he was manipulating the Democratic process to pass his union-busting agenda as a “non-fiscal” bill. Telling the public one thing while sneakily doing just the opposite, Scott Walker possesses the dishonesty of any great Buckeye.

Second requirement: Ohio State coaches need to be morally flexible when it comes to fundraising. Case in point: Maurice Clarett. The former OSU star running back received over $10,000 in illegal gifts from out-of-state boosters.

Though Walker pretends to care only about the interests of Wisconsin, he took much more than $10,000 from the out-of-state Koch brothers. Like any Buckeye, Walker is willing to sell out his state to advance his career.

Third requirement: willingness to resort to violence. Every Ohio State coach idolizes the infamous Woody Hayes, whose career ended when he choked a Clemson player in the 1978 Gator Bowl. In a phone conversation with “David Koch,” Walker admitted he was considering planting troublemakers to bring chaos and violence to a peaceful rally. Walker is, again, qualified.

Finally, the most important requirement of any OSU coach is an inability to win in Wisconsin. With Walker’s approval numbers shattering faster than a dropped BCS championship trophy, the once-victorious governor is on the path to something Jim Tressel could explain to you in vivid detail – a crushing debacle at the hands of real Badgers.

Ryan Panzer ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in history and psychology.